The Black Major Puns

Crimea, Rivers.

Laugh out loud, Jay Kay.

A preliminary investigation confirmed a very large amount of dead birds on the roadway. According to the investigation, an overwhelming majority of these deaths were the result of an impact with an 18-wherler.

The state reached out to Boston College, Harvard, UMass, and MIT and created a team of experts in the fields of transportation, physics, ornithology, and animal psychology. These experts conducted a six-month-long study of the events around the Turnpike. Their goal was to determine why such a large number of birds were being killed by 18-wheelers.

The results of this study revealed that one specific species of crow (the Bostonian black) has a natural defense mechanism that allows it to audibly warn other birds of oncoming vehicles. Over time, the other birds come to depend on this audible warning. Unfortunately, there appears to be a defect in this defense when it comes to warning about the 18-wheelers.

Apparently the crow can say "caw, caw" to warn the other birds but it can't say "twuck, twuck."

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

I was listening to NPR, and the host was interviewing some astro science major, talking about Steven Hawking's black hole theory.

Then the host asks "what are gravity waves?" During the guests NPR require pause, I said aloud to myself "...this is some heavy shit."

My immediate, stupid reaction