Why did the judge set the bail so low for the ostrich charged with assault?

He wasn't a flight risk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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At the casino a woman accused me of assault

And I say "But I'm the blackjack dealer, it's my job to hit people."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nicholas-Pressey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
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What’s the opposite of assault?

A pepper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-think-Im-funny
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
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Yesterday I walked down the street and punched a white guy, so I got changed with assault. Today I walked down the street and punched a black guy...

...I got charged with apepper

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWind26
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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Hear about the Lady Gaga impersonator getting arrested for assault?

She was doing Poke-her Face.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
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Where was the bunny taken when he was charged with assault and battery?

A Dura'cell'

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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What’s the difference between assault and battery?

One comes out of a shaker and the other comes from a pack

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darkhemispheres
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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Adam Levine was sugar bombed and the perp was arrested for assault

Dad: "But it wasn't assault! It was a-sugar!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TaraNiploff
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2015
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Proud Dad Moment

Last month, a guy in Cincinnati stole a salt truck and led police on a 30 minute chase. (true story) At one point he tried to dump the load of salt on a police car. I told my teenage daughter this and she looked at me with a straight face and said β€œI guess they’re going to arrest him for assaulting an officer.” 😁

Never been prouder of my daughter. 😎

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisgoggs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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My friend, the anthropomorphic cell phone was in dire Straits

He walked into the police station and yelled "help! I'm on five per cent!" First, a cop punched him. Then, one of them plugged him in to a power bank Suddenly he had reached 100%. It was a miracle They charged him with assault and battery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WalterNewton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.

My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"

She then left the room, cackling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danieltkessler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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My grandad was assaulted in the war with pepper spray and mustard gas.

He's a seasoned veteran

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ABOYCALLEDBRYAN
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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What happened to the phone that assaulted a human?

It got "charged" with "battery".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlphaRedDiamond
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
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3 peanuts are walking down the street, and one of them is assaulted.....

Peanut.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingFisher_Th
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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I was jogging and got sprayed by a salting truck

I called the police station and said I was assaulted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rubNTugInc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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Remember the story where a woman assaulted a police officer by spraying her with breast milk?

If I were her attorney, I could get a not-guilty verdict using the First Amendment. She was exercising her freedom of expression.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
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4 prisoners are telling each other what they were convicted for

The First man says: I committed 2nd degree murder

The Second says: I committed: 1st degree assault

The Third says: I committed 1st degree possession of drugs

The Fourth man simply says: Arson

The Second man asks him: What degree was it?

The Fourth man responds: I'm not sure, it was pretty hot though. About 525 Celsius-ish

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InsectNation1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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I was in a food fight at school & accidentally hit the principal with a stale cafeteria bun...

...the jerk had me charged; assault with a breadly weapon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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Did you hear that there was a big fight down at the fish and chips shop

The fish got battered and the chips got assaulted

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmazingAlasdair
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Got arrested for doing somersault..

The cops said the less assault the better

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beardedshagger
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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A daring pun train.

A soldier drags a power cable across a battlefield. He is leading the charge.

A stray bullet breaks the cable and the soldier gets electrocuted. He was shell shocked.

The soldier starts flailing, hitting another soldier. He was charged with assault.

The charge jumps to Soldier 2 on contact. It became assault and battery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWinterPrince52
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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Dirty NASA experiment unearthed

NASA decided to send a vegetable to space. After the rough takeoff the spud soiled himself.

Operation Spud-Nik turned violent when the astronauts, due to unforeseen circumstances, ran out of food. It wasn't long before the five guys came up with a plan. They unearthed him and gouged his eyes out. As unappealing as it sounded, spud was sliced up, fried and eaten. Noone seemed to mind a little assault. Sometimes spaceflight is unpredictable and dirty sacrifices must be made.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeeSpaceApiaries
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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The cleaning crew stopped by my office to dust

I work in an office with 2 other guys and we all get along very well. Once every other week, a cleaning crew comes in to sweep, dust, mop etc.

One of the cleaning crew had a duster out and was dusting my coworkers desk. He told the lady to hit me with the duster as I was acting silly as usual. She said she couldn't as she would go to jail for battery. I said, "No. You would go to jail for assault with a dusty weapon."

The audible groans and chuckles were fuel to my dad humoured fire.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarFlipJudge
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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I kicked a nasty habit today.

Consequently, the nun wearing it filed assault charges against me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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A man has been jailed for telling too many puns

The judge called it 'Assault with a Dadly Weapon'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deadpoodle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2015
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A woman in my town was arrested for beating her husband with a flashlight.

She is charged with assault, and the flashlight is charged with battery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
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Got my wife with this one this morning:

I was making food, beating an egg with a fork and the missus said

"Add salt in the egg"

So I replied

"I'm already assaulting the egg"

My wife let out an audible groan and left me chuckling in the kitchen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Svengelska1990
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2018
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What's the difference between attacking a human and attacking a pig?

One's considered assaulting with intent to kill, the other is killing with intent to salt!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SubparWalrus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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I'm a seasoned vet when it comes to dadjoking.

I bumped into my teenage daughter while carrying laundry down the hall.

D: I've been assaulted!

Me: I've been a-peppered! Haha!

D: Oh. my. god. You are the worst!

Me: It's not my fault you can't handle all this flavor!

Now she won't talk to me so I'm gonna go enjoy the solitude and play Skyrim.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sammichface
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2018
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Jimmy Buffett was recently attacked by the remaining members of a defunct New England religion.

It was the Last Shaker Assault.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SapperInTexas
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2017
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I accidentally knocked over the salt shaker near my Dad

I accidentally knocked over the salt shaker near my Dad

He said "Help. I've been assaulted".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HarrisonSchmitt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2014
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A man was arrested trying to buy seasoning and electricity.

The charge was assault and battery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aesper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2016
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Got the wife.

So I fell and either sprained or broke my ankle this morning chasing my son around.

Told my wife I had been assaulted, so she better get me some pepper for balance.

The eye roll was epic.

Edit: hairline fracture on my ankle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/giorgioisright
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2016
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This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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I dropped salt on myself while at the grocery store

My wife says: You've just been assaulted!

Me: Groan....

But at the same time, I'm so proud! :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/choralmaster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2016
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Got Em.

Hanging out with a pair of soldiers, who invited me on a ruck with them in a few days. One says "I'll bring my assault pack." The other says "I'll bring assault pack too! Hey TheVillain117 do you have one?" Without missing a beat I say "No, I have a pepper pack." Followed by a shit eating grin. They stared with blank faces for a few seconds then groaned/eyerolled as they caught the dadjoke. As pennance I have to carry 75lbs instead of fifty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheVillain117
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2015
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Grandpa hit me with this jem

So just the other day someone assaulted me with cheese milk and yogurt! How dairy

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Copper27
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2015
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Meal times with Dad

Was having dinner with my parents the night before I cam back to uni, my dad had been trying to wind me up all evening so decided to pour salt all over my wrist. I responded by throwing the salt at him at which point he cried to my mother 'I've been assaulted!!'. Couldn't help but crack a smile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marsox33
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2013
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While eating dinner with my girlfriend...

We were both extremely tired from having little sleep and we were at this diner before checking in for the night. I put my head down for a second while we waited for food and she told me she'd assault me if I didn't wake up. I promptly ignored her then felt this weird sensation on my arms and neck. I look up to see she's been using a salt shaker on me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageLikeCage
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2015
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Just got dad joked hard by my fiancΓ©

Watching COPS. Cop says "someone's getting assault." FiancΓ© looks me right in the eye and says "notice how they gave him assault but not a pepper?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mazumi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2014
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Dada Joked My FiancΓ© Last Night

FiancΓ© and I are walking down the stairs when I say something silly and she hits me.

Me: ASSAULT!

She stops in the middle of the staircase and throws back her head in a disgusted sigh...

Her: Go ahead... Say it...

Me: A PEPPER!!!

Edit: was supposed to be "Dad Joked".. Somehow it autocorrected to "Dada"...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tehOJ
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2013
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Every time we go to a restaurant..

(picks up the salt shaker and his knife)

Dad: Assault, with a deadly weapon!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyMomsMeatloaf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
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Not a normal dad joke, just a joke from my friend's Dad.

I went on vacation in highschool with one of my good friends and his Dad and another friend, who is basically the coolest fucking guy you'll ever meet (We call him Cool Daddy Mike). Its not so much a dad joke, more just a fucked up joke my friend's Dad told me, but on our way down to Florida from Ohio, we stopped halfway there to stay in a hotel and finish the drive the next day. Since it was just 4 of us for 1 night we only got one room with 2 king sized beds. When we got to the room his dad looked at me and said "If you woke up one morning with a condom hanging out of your ass, would you tell anyone?" I of course said no I would not. He then said "Well alright looks like we are sharing a bed tonight" and points two finger guns at me. It may seem fucked up but if you knew his dad like we all did, you would have died laughing with us. (Just to clarify I did not get sexually assaulted in my sleep by my friend's dad)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Longsack9
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2015
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This One was Said in my Choral Methods Class Today

When talking about a former student throwing batteries at her, my teacher told us the student was later arrested for the incident "and charged with... you guessed it assault and BATTERY!!!!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gayjewtrombone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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