It didn't look as good as it did in the pictures.
I gotta catch this cereal killer.
Apparently it was a low “ha”.
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
We decided to name him EricEric.
And the lumberjack grinned and said "And you will Dialogue." ( Not my joke came from https://m.facebook.com/bbqwithfatboy/photos/a.202049053272555/2530717313739039/?type=3&source=48)
The lab clerk says “I thought you wanted a beakers dozen!”
After all, fare is fowl.
....Elderflower.
Husband hands me the only thing that's mine (a small 8lb dumbbell) and says "it's really time you carried your own weight around here." I think he's ready for the baby to get here.
It had only 5 things listed.
Neil before Zod!
Welp, i spent 400 dollars on a limo and I have absolutely nothing to chauffeur it.
He was overdrawn.
You could say it was a shih tzu.
Its a key role
The beagle has landed
Well it's abbot time.
What a re-leaf!
"Good," he said. "Take these drinks to table 7."
It was a mon-NOW!
Tag it and baguette.
Post Malone
"Good," he said, "Take these meals to table nine."
He apologizes for being latte
He said to the harbormaster “Where’s my boat? It’s not here!” The harbormaster replied, “No ship, Sherlock.”
... so they can beat the crowds!
Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)
A new worker, Rowan, is starting at a factory job and is receiving instructions from their manager, Colm.
"The items come out in batches over here. You're going to sort them by eye and place them into the corresponding shelves for the guys on the other side to stack and move out. There are five possible label colors, indicating destination," he gestures at the column labels above the shelves. "Within each color the stack order doesn't matter except that our most fragile product, our red flowers, have to ship out on top and then any cans of caviar just below them. So if either of those products are in the batch, put them on their corresponding higher shelf. Everything else goes on the lower shelf."
Rowan gets the gist and begins work placing items in their appropriate column of shelves, keeping an eye out for flowers and caviar.
However, there is little to do. The prodigious worker just before this step in the assembly line had been picking up the slack while Rowan's position was vacant, and hadn't been told yet that the job was filled.
So Rowan waits for any sorting to be needed, but each batch of items that arrives is only ever one color of tag, and the delicate items are always already on top. All day, Rowan only ever has to move them over to the correct column.
Later in the day, Colm is checking up on Rowan, not realizing that their work today is redundant. He sees from across the factory that Rowan isn't doing much work and has lots of downtime between new batches. So he makes the long walk over to them.
"Rowan, why aren't you sorting all those items into separate columns? You're just moving them into one column every time!" argues Colm, annoyed.
"Well, each batch always consists of only one color. I don't know what to tell you," replies Rowan.
"I'm sure thats not true! And I suppose the rose and roes just rose to the top rows?"
Rowan just shrugs and says "Look, I just column like I see 'em."
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”
“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
This was not any ordinary bird however, as he was able to speak and understand English at a perfect level. For quite a while, he didn't use it much to his advantage. He was content simply fluttering around and living peacefully with his bird wife.
But one day, tragedy struck! Our bird one day woke up to an empty nest, no bird kids, no bird wife, just him and some twigs.
He starts asking around his bird community, and eventually pieces together that his bird wife got tired of him and his lack of ambition. She took the bird kids and flew off to stay with her bird Mother.
Our bird was left with an overwhelming sense of listlessness, realizing that everything he had worked towards in his bird life was now gone.
Our bird, now destitute and lonely, decided he was tired of bird life, and wanted to use his English speaking ability to try something new.
He decides to fly into the nearest human town, and observe for a bit. He perched himself on a tree overlooking the main street of the town, and simply watched.
After an hour or two, he noticed several people heading into a building, one labelled as "Bar". He decides that if he wants to truly utilize his prowess of the English language, the best place to start is with other English speakers, so he flies down to the building and hops his way inside.
Our bird makes his way over the bar, hops up on a stool, and says "Hey bartender, can I get a drink?" The bartender and a few other people nearby notice that these words came out of a bird and are immediately and completely enthralled and bewildered by this sight.
The bartender saunters over and asks "Did you just ask for a drink? But you're a bird! I've never seen anything like this before, but if you want a drink I'm happy to oblige".
The bartender pours the bird some water, places it in front of him, and they start chatting. After realizing what was happening, every patron at the bar is standing around the bird, eager to get another peek at this otherworldly phenomenon. People ask the bird some questions, and the bird happily responds, informing them all of his plight and his goal to take full advantage of his gift. More people make their way to him, snapping pictures and videos to share with their friends. The bird loves all the attention and is more than happy to indulge each and every customer who comes up to him.
After a few hours, closing time rolls around. Most people make their way out of the bar, ecstatic to share their newfound memories with family an
... keep reading on reddit ➡It was hirsute
When the Bill arrived, he pulled out a rectal thermometer. "Damn” he said. “Some dirty bum's got my pen!"
A man gets in a cab at 33rd St. and Park Ave. and says, "I need to get to the Palmer House."
The cabbie says, "The Palmer House Hotel?"
The man says, "Yeah."
The cabbie says, "That's on Wabash in Chicago."
The man says, "Yeah."
The cabbie says, "I'm not gonna drive you to Chicago. I'll take you to LaGuardia, you can get on a plane."
The man says, "No, I can't do that, I've got a debilitating fear of heights, I can't fly. Can you drive me to the Palmer House?"
The cabbie says, "No, you can get out, walk a few blocks west, get on a train at Penn Station."
The man says, "That won't work, either. I got a conference at the Palmer House I got to get to by tomorrow morning. I need a cab."
The cabbie says, "Look, do you know how expensive a cab ride from New York to Chicago's gonna be?"
The man opens his wallet, offers the cabbie ten $100 bills, and says, "I'll give you the rest when you get me there."
The cabbie considers it, takes the money, and begins the trip.
He drives out of Manhattan, west down 33rd St. until he merges onto the Lincoln Tunnel ramp, then through the Lincoln Tunnel and into New Jersey, then through New Jersey until he merges onto the Pennsylvania Turnpike, then through Pennsylvania until he merges onto the Ohio Turnpike, then through Ohio until he merges onto the Indiana Turnpike, then through Indiana until, finally, he merges onto the Chicago Skyway Bridge.
(He stopped for gas a couple of times.)
But from the Skyway in Chicago it's a short trip to the Palmer House: he exits the interstate at Stony Island Ave. and takes it north to 57th St., where he turns right to merge onto Jean Baptiste Point du Sable Lake Shore Dr. He drives north up to Roosevelt Rd., then cuts over to Michigan Ave., takes it up to Ida B. Wells Dr., and then cuts over to Wabash Ave. He starts to take a right so he can drive north up Wabash to the Palmer House, then stops, realizes Wabash is a southbound one-way street, curses, and continues straight onto Dearborn St.
He turns right on Dearborn and takes it up to Monroe St., then cuts over once more to Wabash Ave., takes a right onto Wabash and drives one block south until, finally, he arrives at the Palmer House Hilton Hotel in Chicago.
The man pays the cabbie the rest of the fare (about $1950, but the man rounds it up to $2.5 grand with tip), thanks him, and sprints into the hotel just in time for his conference.
And, wouldn't you know it, as soon as the man is out of the cab, a woman sees the New York c
... keep reading on reddit ➡I need my vax-in-nation certificate to book some flights
Thyme waits for Noam, man.
When you hear a country song about someone's truck leaving them
The cold shoulder.
You know how Elon Musk is building those tubes under Los Angeles and San Francisco so people can get to work in their teslas faster than regular roads? Well there’s a problem … the cars go so fast that the passengers are terrified. Whole cars full of commuters arrive at their destination so cramped up from grabbing their seats or steering wheel in terror that they can’t even use their hands to type…
People are getting carpool tunnel syndrome.
He was the fleeced na'vi dad.
Merry Xmas y'all
He was going semi fast
Man, talk about Asia vu.
Upon arrival he asked his daughter the following...
Are you twerking hard or hardly twerking?
That means your time is here
The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”
Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said, “and you will dialogue.”
