The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says β€œMy wife’s an angel

I said, β€œyou’re lucky – mine is still alive…”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What does the angel put in his salsa for extra spice?

Halopenos.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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So God was talking to one of his Angels. He said β€œI’ve created 24 hours of alternating lightness and darkness in earth”. The Angel said β€œWhat are you going to do now?” ...

β€œOh I think I’ll call it a day” God replies.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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My son plays right field for a little-league team called the Angels

I asked him what it was like in a Disney movie. He didn't get it. So I told him he's literally one of the Angels in the Outfield!

Later I realized maybe I'd insulted him, calling his team a sort of mickey mouse club.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/voip_geek
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Kermit the frog went to the bank to get a mortgage for a new lilypad. He walked up to the desk of loan officer Patricia Whack and placed a small porcelain statue of an angel on her desk asking if she would take it as collateral. "What is that?" she asked...

It's a knick knack, patty whack. Give a frog a loan?

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/curmudge_john
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Lucifer, the gorgeous fallen angel. [X-post /r/tumblr]

http://i.imgur.com/fmGslhx.jpg

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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Angel: "Will be there anyone surviving the Flood?"

God: "I Noah guy"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOnlyFuhrer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
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An angel left the side of an old-style typeface.

Now it's sans-seraph.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2016
🚨︎ report
And lo, an angel appeared unto the prophet Isaiah, and said:

Angel: "Behold! I exceed ninety degrees!"

Isaiah: "Uh... what?"

And the angel gave no explanation and vanished.

Isaiah muttered: "What an obtuse angel."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2016
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After telling this one I could hear the angels singing

My mom turns on the radio and we are immediately greeted with that boring sort of Christian music without any lyrics or discernible point in any way just sort of doodling around. Very similar to hold music. Annoying stuff.

Mom: "How do you like this Christian elevator music?"

Me: "...It's very..uplifting"


^After ^giving ^my ^retort ^she ^announced ^that ^that ^was ^"the ^worst" ^which ^I ^immediately ^took ^as ^"the ^best" ^coming ^from ^a ^mom.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jack-elda
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2014
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Dad joke at the Angels game

At the Angels game with my dad and step mom when dad brings out a bag full of grape flavored red vine licorice.
Step mom asks why he bought that flavor. Dad: "I heard it through the grape vine that they're great!"
No one but him was happy with that joke.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tokyomaneater69
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2014
🚨︎ report
What does Los Angeles have in common with the Hobbit?

Smaug.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/inspire_me_please
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?

Re:LAX

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raptavis
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Dad joke

What do you see when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?

U.C.L.A...

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheChestar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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I need help solving a pun/riddle.

Context: I'm in a DnD campaign, for fifth edition.

So basically, one of my characters told a horrible pun to a planetar (Massive angel-like being) over Sending (A spell letting you communicate over long distances). "Whaddya call a celestial who likes to fish? An angel-er." and then he got asked to put his journal in the box that suddenly appeared behind hm, He complied, and when he got it back his name was gone from the first page of the book, and there was a golden box, that read "Tell me what I've pun, wizard" So I'm assuming he needs to answer in some sort of pun related to his name, Klaus Hallowmantle.

However, my brain is smoother than... I can't think of anything to compare it to all of a sudden. Oh well. Anyone who can help me with this?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Hipster_Fox
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between The University of California-Berkeley and The University of California- Los Angeles?

At one UCLA and the other one UC-Berkeley.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zsm1994
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens when the smog clears from over Los Angeles?

UCLA.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spacey_kasey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
🚨︎ report
A lot of the material in my act pokes fun at the life style of people who live in los-angeles.

I call it SoCal commentary.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OgreMonk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Disaster at the Los Angeles zoo today

when the snake pit was accidentally filled in. The zoo keeper said "it's terrible terrible news, now the snakes don't even have a pit to hiss in.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mosvicious
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Looks like Los Angeles "dodged" the World Series (x-post /r/StLouis)
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bangarang0987
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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Which interview should you avoid asking Clark Kent to give?

2:30 AM: A woman accused of robbing a large bank in San Francisco

6:00 PM: A man accused of scamming high rollers in Las Vegas

9:00 PM: A man accused of shooting two rival gang members in Los Angeles

The last one: Keep him away from the Crip tonight

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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Help with puns on biblical figures

I'm performing a comedy and I have an improv bit where I call someone a goofy name. It needs to be a pun on something in Judeo-Christian cannon, bonus points if it's about the angel michael. I.e. Michael Sword-an or Joan of Snark... something like that. Yall got suggestions???

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tesla_pasta
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Front lawn dad joke #20
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bicureyooz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
It's Christmas morning and Mariah Carey wakes up to see what her boyfriend got her this year.

She opens the front door and there is a huge log on a chain contraption that can ram castle gates.Β  Confused, she looks past the medieval device to see her boyfriend standing in the front yard surrounded by dozens of male sheep and holding two tickets to skybox seats for football in Los Angeles.

He holds his arms wide and asks, "what do you think?"

She smiles and says, "Thank you for the rams but all I want for Christmas is ewe."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcsestretch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
If you're in a plane above LA...

What happens if you are in a plane above Los Angeles, and when you look out the window there are no clouds beneath you?U C L A

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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[request] puns for a character called Beach Hitler

I run a DnD game and am very bad at puns. Like all good writers, though, I thought of a character name that made me laugh and have decided to build a personality around it.

Basically he's a surfer bro nazi. Militantly chill. He's a villain in the game but will hopefully read as still kinda tempting to party with. The only thing I've been able to come up with that has any promise whatsoever is "Third Reichteous."

Thank you, reddit angels

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stiljo24
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call nun in heaven?

if you guessed "heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you are wrong. The answer is "nun of the above" !

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rplusg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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Hopalong Happychopper walks into the saloon and the bartender says, "Howdy stranger, ain't seen you in these parts, so you must be here to watch the hanging!" Hopalong looks the bartender menacingly in the eyes and replies, "Nope, but seeing we're talking, who are you hanging?"

The bartender responds, "Well, ain't you heard cowboy, we gonna string up Brown Paper Rattler mighty high, even the angels are gonna hear his neck break!"

Hopalong asks, "Why they call him Brown Paper Rattler?"

The bartender chuckles, "Why, old Rattler wears a brown paper Stetson, a brown paper waistcoat and even right down to brown paper socks."

Puzzled, Hopalong then asks, "So why you hanging him?"

...and the bartender replies, "For rustling."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A Rom Com Called "I've Fallin for Stalin" Where Gilbert Gottfried Plays Everyone

The plot is Gilbert Gottfried playing himself is sent back in time to kill Stalin (also played by Gilbert Gottfried). But Gilbert ends up slowly falling in love with Stalin as they bond over things like pancakes shaped like barn animals and making snow angels. The movie ends with Gilbert and Stalin getting married and raising two kids named Jenny and Egor (played by Gilbert Gottfried) in the suburbs with their golden retriever, Rex (played by Gilbert Gottfried)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anttwinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
🚨︎ report
No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the ends.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PewPewWizard2000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, β€œDo you want a lift”. β€œNo thanks”, they replied, β€œWe’re Walkers”.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all Β£5 apart from one that was Β£10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said β€œthat’s maderia cake”.


Bought some cream, it said β€œstore in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says β€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says β€œI’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.


Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.


You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say β€œOLE!”


FORGET LOVE… I’

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
🚨︎ report
I had a dad joke moment. Wanted to share.

I wasn't sure if it fit but it made me think of this sub.

I was in the hospital with my dad. Late night, new nurse walks in.

Her: "Hello. My name is Angel, and I'll be your nurse tonight."

Dad: Looks up. "Well if you're an Angel I must be in heaven."

Me: "Oh my god. Really?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Z0MBIECL0WN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2017
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An angel walks into a hardware store and says "I'd like to buy a Christmas tree."

The cashier asks "are you putting it up yourself?"

The angel replies "yes."

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RancidLemons
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2016
🚨︎ report
She's only 4!!

We've been teaching our 4 year old angel/terrorist daughter to use the phone so that in an emergency she'll be able to call me/SO/emergency services. I noticed when i got home yesterday that I had a missed call on my mobile phone from the land-line number, so I asked her: "Did you call me earlier?" Quick as a flash she replys: "No, I called you Dad!" My work here is done.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SystemCanNotFail
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Got dad joked at Guitar Center and it was beautiful!

So i made a pit stop at ol' GC to kill off a gift card from Xmas.

I needed one of those little plastic egg shakers (musicians will know) and some drum sticks. The two gentlemen were very rad & we stood around shootin' the shit for a bit.

Then the one who had my plastic shaker in his hand went to exhibit its shaker-y-ness only for it to fly out of his hands (on accident of course) and nail me in the chest.

The other gentleman responded with "That's not what he meant by drum throne!"

I swear I heard angels singing as they descended down a badly played Stairway to Heaven.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/George_F4YF
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2015
🚨︎ report
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, β€œwhat are you going to do now?”

God said, β€œI think I’m going to call it a day.”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redwitch-fr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?

UCLA.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?

UCLA

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2018
🚨︎ report

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