I met a couple of bugs who were so disgusted by the city's infrastructure they decided to found a company that repairs alternative routes. I asked "what are you going to call this service?"

Two Bee Detour Mend

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sattoth
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2022
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Have you heard of the new alternative-fuel car called the "S Car"? It runs on snails.

It's weird, I know, but that's what makes the S Car go.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bodaciousdrake
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2021
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If there were months on an alternative β€œPlanet-B”, would they be named the same?

May-B ....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jgraybeard
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.

This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.

Joke by Terry Pratchett, β€˜The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatashiStickKid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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She gave me a BJ with some alternative rock playing in the background

I guess you can say I got some Radiohead

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diego_godean
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Whats an alternative name for the jedi

Force-kin

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saucee-boi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
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The Alternative Name for Mechagodzilla reddit.com/user/tomfriel/…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomfriel
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
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If Republicans try to push through a bill related to the keystone pipeline, they should call it the Gasoline Alternative Source act

Because I want to hear a news anchor say "Today republicans tried to pass G.A.S., but Obama blocked the move with a veto."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notiesitdies
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2014
🚨︎ report
"would you like to join our society against the use of puns and for the use of alternative protein sources?"

"no whey."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatcage
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2016
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Why’d the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?

He’s an excellent parallel Parker 😬

πŸ‘︎ 692
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πŸ‘€︎ u/enzotoretto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2021
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Why did the Spider-Man in the alternate universe do better on his driver's test?

Because, naturally, he's a parallel Parker.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ky_climber
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2021
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I need help coming up with a Punny female alternative to "Man Cave" for my girlfriend.

I am building a room for my GF to have a sanctuary to herself and I want to make her a stupid little hanging sign for the door and she loves a good joke. So the best alternative I came up with to "man cave" was Cooter Cavern, but I wanted to see what magic Reddit could come up with. Whatcha got?

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/qbergeron648
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2022
🚨︎ report
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel's hair isn't chopped off at the end.

They're calling it the Uncut Edition.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geodude532
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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Why did the valet hate working in an alternate universe?

Because it was all parallel parking!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GravyxNips
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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So God was talking to one of his Angels. He said β€œI’ve created 24 hours of alternating lightness and darkness in earth”. The Angel said β€œWhat are you going to do now?” ...

β€œOh I think I’ll call it a day” God replies.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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For the past year, I’ve been going out drinking alternating between my friend Greg one week and my other friend Ian the next week.

I’m on a Greg-or-Ian calendar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I think the debate of Nikola Tesla's origin is currently alternating.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nerdfighter8842
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2018
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Did you know that an alternate version of the Harry Potter story exists where he is never a wizard?

In that version, Harry is a simpleton stable boy who assists Hagrid in repairing hollow straw vessels that Hagrid makes as a hobby, but which are bound to break pretty quick. So he's basically a hay re-potter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLastJoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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What do Electricians and Bankers have in common?

They both deal with alternating currency.

Thank you u/Bnboeffq for the spark of inspiration πŸ˜…

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No-Carpet-7365
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2021
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What did Hoover say when he saw the Colorado River?

Dam it

(or, alternatively)

What did the Colorado River say when it saw Hoover?

I'll be dammed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mskvzdt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the best shape to catch a Power Ranger with?

A trapezord.

Alternatively, the best shape to catch a homeless crustacean doctor is a trapezoidburg.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/overachievingogre
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.

But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimothy05
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Margarine is good

But it's not butter than the alternative

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/luispe94
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a5paperblank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My car only runs every other day.

I think it might be the alternator.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sierrasport
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Bob takes a stroll while talking about an old shoot 'em up

Yeah, he's a walking Contra-diction.

Alternative for the logic nerds:

Bob is always honest, and he says he doesn't like shoot 'em ups. His identical twin Joe says he loves shoot 'em ups. How do we know Joe is honest? Because if something is true, then so is its Contra-positive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IceMetalPunk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
A List of Puns (and other excuses for good humor)

Me: You got the goods?

Dealer: I have an alloy of iron and carbon for only $1.

Me: My, what a steel!

Guy: Hey, wanna hear my joke?

Boxer: I dunno, man. People always say I ruin their punchline.

Teacher: What are the four components of DNA?

Student: Actually, there are five: Adenine, cytosine, guanine, thymine--

Teacher: Oh? And the fifth one?

Student: I got I got I got I got...

Me (metric): Why does America use the imperial system? It's stupid.

Friend (imperial): Actually, other places use the imperial system.

Me: Which other places?

Friend: The Galactic Empire.

Guy: I hate spam.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

...

Someone: Son of a gun...

Someone Else: Now you've just pistoled me off!

Okay, I know these are not the greatest puns ever, but this is my first post in this subreddit. Anyway, now here are the explanations:

Joke 1 - An alloy of carbon and iron is popularly referred to as steel, and stainless steel costs $2.41, in which the item receives a 58.51% reduction in cost, which is a mighty bargain, also known as a steal.

Joke 2 - Boxing is a sport in which your only goal is to knock your opponent out through a series of punches. The ending or twist of a joke is commonly referred to as the punchline of said joke.

Joke 3 - Check out Kendrick Lamar's DNA song.

Joke 4 - Troops and personnel of the Galactic Empire from Star Wars are commonly referred to as the Imperials.

Joke 5 - Spam musubi, or just spam, is a type of sushi. On the internet, spam is referred to as the repetition of a specific message, especially when emailing, to annoy or advertise a product/website to someone.

Joke 6 - The phrase, "Son of a gun", is a friendlier alternative to the phrase, "Son of a bitch!" Also, when you annoy someone, that means that you pissed them off, which sounds a bit like "pistoled".

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/U2BURR
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do dogs go to buy used items?

At the PAWn shop

Alternatively: The FLEA market

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are asteroids vegetarians' favorite space rocks?

The alternative is meteor

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/errsta
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report
The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I prefer dairy-based protein powders

I think they're whey better than the alternatives

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cute deer?

A-doe-rable!

Alternatively: What do you call a baby Homer Simpson? A-doh-rable!

Another one: What do you call a baby door? A-door-able!

The puns work best if you use all three in swift succession :)

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chelseadaggered
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2016
🚨︎ report
O2?

In an alternate reality, Cesar lived to be an old man. One day at the Roman Retirement Forum, he saw his old friend, Brutus.

He picked up his bellows and asked, "O2, Brute?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mikilt22
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2017
🚨︎ report
I challenged, I failed. Dad triumphs.

My friend asked this on her wall on facebook.

Anyone else suffering from electricity shortage?

Dad: Nope. That would be shocking! Or revolting.

Me: Ohmm...These puns are so ampty..needs to be more electrifying

Dad: OP, Watt??

Dad: The puns are the current thing.

Me: I hope nobody breaks the circuit of these puns.

Dad: Wire you worried about that? They'll just socket to ya!

Me: This is such a Polarity moment. Say Cheese, Brofs SPARK

Dad: Don't be negative. Try alternating. It's not terminal.

Me: You have bested me, You win. #dadjokes too good

The Dad is strong, too strong.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kurizmax
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2014
🚨︎ report
Shopping for wedding rings last night, I showed promise for our future together.

We were looking at alternative metals, and we both agreed that the meteorite ring was not only the coolest looking in general, but the fact that it came from space made it a clear winner.

Her: "Maybe I should get meteorite in my wedding band too so we can match."

Me: "So you know what this means? It means that our love is out of this world!"

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/My_Dog_Sherlock
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2015
🚨︎ report
Stolen from a friends Facebook post

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Markwittz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
🚨︎ report
Whenever someone leaves the room and says, "I'll be back"

Victim: I'll be back.

Me: I'll be front! And then we can be a whole person!

Alternatively: If the victime says, "I'll be right back" I respond with "I'll be left back! Then together we can be a fullback!" It gives the added football pun.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xurandor
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2013
🚨︎ report
A young boy asked his grandpa if he minded being old, he said...

"It ain't bad considering the alternative."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SHavens
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2017
🚨︎ report
Discussion with an Anesthesiologist

This happened verbatim on Tuesday afternoon.

Discussing emergency surgery on my one month old son with the anesthesiologist. I said:

"I hope you have an alternate method for putting him to sleep. He isn't too good at counting back from 100 yet."

While the doctor got a good chuckle out of that my wife dropped her head into her hands and said "dadjokes. It's too soon for that crap."

It is never too soon for dadjokes!

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thonlo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2014
🚨︎ report
I went to my doctor and said…

β€œDoctor, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor replied, β€œIt’s very simple. You’re two tents.”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2017
🚨︎ report
The history books got it wrong ... AGAIN

New evidence as been found that in addition to trying to sway public opinion against Tesla's advocacy of alternating current, Edison went so far as to try to criminalize A/C through the courts by claiming public endangerment.

Sounds like he was close to winning, but his own hubris did him in. He tried to assure his victory by attempting to bribe the circuit court judge.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Myntrith
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2015
🚨︎ report
What phone line does the White House send its official press releases from now?

The alternative fax.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad keeps telling me trivia about Alice in Chains and Nirvana

He says it's because Alternative Facts are all the rage right now.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ennui_Go
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2017
🚨︎ report
I ordered some Yugioh cards from a store called Alternate Universes...

My dad saw the envelope and said "Alternate Universes? That postage must have been really expensive!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kona_worldwaker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2015
🚨︎ report
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, β€œwhat are you going to do now?”

God said, β€œI think I’m going to call it a day.”

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report

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