I almost qualified for the national curling team
But I slid out of contention.
You hear about the dude that drank so many margs he almost died?
The battle raged on for almost a yarrr
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
These kitties love puns almost as much as napping, and the rise of the proletariat.
Last week I went to the gym almost every day ...
... almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday ...
I decided to go on a vacation with my family. Almost all the hotel rooms were booked except one
It was our last resort...
Its almost the new year.
Hopefully 2021 would be better than last year, but at least we can say hindsight is 2020.
My dad after we almost hit a deer in the car the other day:
"You know, he's an expert in his field."
Since his political career is almost over the US vice president is starting his own soda company.
It's called Pence-a-cola.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
I really wanted to be there for the birth of my child. I drove like an idiot and almost got into an accident. But when I reached the hospital, I found out it was all for nothing.
Beauty and the Beast is a great story about a beast who is almost condemned to be stuck as a beast forever but gets...
Back in the old days only the rich could afford automobiles while the common people had horses. Now only the richest have horses while almost everyone has an automobile.
My how the stables have turned.
Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position. But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?
I've gained almost 20 pounds since the quarantine...
Abandoned... so you could almost say the owner was sick of this ship.
Almost got arrested by the police.
They have found some Coke in my fridge.
Almost as painful as the joke.
TIFU by boarding the wrong ship and almost starting World War III
One thing is almost certain about the adult entertainment industry in light of covid-19:
I almost fell asleep at the tire shop
Recently I took my family on a road trip, and we got a flat tire. When my daughter got out of the car to help, she almost got hit by a car.
Good thing she wasn't, that trip would've been short-lived.
So I travel around my country at the weekend taking photo graphs last week I was in London it was amazing I could almost say it was a...
My girlfriend almost left me at the store because of this one.
Her: "Aww, look at these cute coasters!"
Me: "They'd be better if they had wheels."
Her: "Why?"
Me: "Because then they would be rollercoasters."
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
What if the joke is almost family-friendly?
I almost got into a fight with the TV remote the other day...
It was really pressing my buttons...
It’s been almost 15 years since the show ended, and I can’t believe people are still making Friends references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
My wife told me the kid almost burned the house down
Now i’m really scared of arson
Got busted almost bumping into windows on the way to work today
As I was preparing breakfast for my sons, they both said they wanted pancakes. As the first batch was almost finished, they began to argue over who would get the first pancake…
I said, “If Jesus were sitting here, he would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’”
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!"
Why did the almost blind man fall down the well?
Because he couldn't see that well...
What is the almost coolest vegetable?
I almost answered the phone when my talkative German brother-in-law was calling me, but thankfully I recognized the number.
She almost ruined the joke.
We were driving across state over the holidays and my 4 year old tells us she has to pee. We just happened to be almost to an exit with several gas stations to take her. I proudly proclaimed ‘Urine luck! There are plenty of places to go at this exit!’ Sadly, I only got an eye roll from my wife.
Winter is almost over and spring is just round the corner.
Did you hear about the cow that almost ran into the fence?
Luckily it saw the fence in enough time, and it just grazed it
I almost fell down the stairs with a basket of laundry. I said “that was a close one”
My dad said “No, that was a clothes one.”
I almost got in trouble today when I walked out of the store with a wig.
I almost ate rabbit for supper tonight , but someone took the last piece....
I almost couldn't live with myself after the first half of both of my feet were amputated...
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on."
After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied, "…but I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
The phone almost fell on my head
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