The last thing my grandfather told me was “It’s worth spending money on good speakers.” That was some sound advice.
Why should you follow the sage advice of a train driver?
They are always on the right track.
My son just left for the homecoming dance. Here is what I gave him for advice. If you have anything else I should text him, please comment.
“If you dance with a girl that is similar height to you, you can say “your perfume smells nice”. If you dance with a girl that is shorter than you, you can say “your hair smells nice.” If you dance with a girl that is taller than you, you can say “your underarm deodorant smells nice.”
what the difference between someone who doesnt act what he preaches advice and a guy who injures hippos?
Ones a hypocrite and the other caused a hippo-crit
Obstetrician gave the best comedy advice ever.
What's the most important advice you can give to someone opening a French bakery?
Success baguettes success
I recently asked my Uncle, who has been a lawyer for forty years, what kind of advice he'd give someone just starting out. He looked at me and he said, "One thing I learned pretty quickly is to *never* put a harp on the witness stand".
"It turns out out that they're typically lyres".
What do you call the sage advice from the guy at the urinal next to you?
What's some good advice to give to a musician who is about to cross the street?
C sharp or you'll B flat.
Found this on "Love advice from the duke of hell" web toon, heavily recommend it
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
I’ve had several people give me the advice “don’t get old,”
but I don’t think there’s an alternative I can live with.
Whenever I assemble my IKEA furniture I always seek the advice of a friend.
What is the Sorting Hat’s favourite relationship advice?
What relationship advice did the snail give to it’s friend?
The best advice my dad gave me was to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
In my my neighbor's home, their huge dog frequently sleeps at the landing at the top of their tall staircase causing a possible tripping hazard. Good advice to them....
Persons in their household should watch their steps, particularly early risers.
The best advice my dad ever gave me: if ever you are desperately searching for something, make sure to take an apple with you.
That way, your search cannot be fruitless.
The best advice for a coral quarrel
Keep your friends close and your anenomes closer
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
(Question/advice) Subway accidentally gave me the wrong sandwich in the drive thru, how do I go about getting a refund without my receipt?
I left the hospital against medical advice...
I was at the grocery store, confused about how much lettuce to buy. So I called my wife for advice.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Apparently, new government advice in light of the toilet paper shortage is to use lettuce leaves when using the toilet.
It's the tip of the iceberg (courtesy of my dad).
The trident gave me some really good advice the other day
Did you hear about the guy who expired for not following time tested advice?...
A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.
The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.
Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.
As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."
As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".
Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.
A bit of advice for whoever wrote the open letter to /r/dadjokes yesterday...
Given my experience, I’m not the best at giving advice when it comes to tequila.
So you all have to take it with a grain of salt.
Son, the best piece of advice I can give you is not to starve yourself. It doesn't help anything.
A condom manufacturer kept getting criticized because its new gimmicks never did anything for women. So they did what any good company would do and went to the most knowledgeable frog in the world for advice. You know what the frog said?
The thread on this r/AskReddit question: Married people of Reddit, what one piece of advice you wish you could give to yourself when you were single?
Some Dadjoke advice for all the lonely hearts out there
Here's what you should do:
Step 1: Buy a sheep
Step 2: name it "Relation"
And now... *drumroll* ... you have a relationsheep
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time...
The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks, "Do you like potato pancakes?"
"No," comes the answer and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.
"Do you have a brother?"
"No."
After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
My dad's amazing driving advice to my sister: "I can replace any mailbox you hit. If you collide with a cop car, I've got a good attorney. If you run over a nun, God will forgive you. But if you hit my truck, you better leave the f***ing country."
What do you call a guy who blows all his money on jackets at the advice of a psychic?
Where did the Dock go for advice?
The doctor gave me advice about my allergic reaction...
He warned me not to do make any rash decisions
Who did the unmarried house ask for advice before trying to get nailed?
What advice did one tree give to the other tree?
My dad has the best advice.
I never understood the "dress in layers" advice...
How is one supposed to dress hens and duckettes?
Turns out the sun is planning to retire and asked me for advice
"don't quit your day job," I said
What advice did the font have for his son?
What advice did the frog give to the condom manufacturer?
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