Juan's friends and family always tell him how to live his life, but he's been doing some solitary soul searching
Because it takes Juan to know Juan
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︎ Feb 25 2021
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
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︎ Jan 09 2021
My friend told me he once met a lady with twelve breasts. "Sounds strange," I had to tell him....
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︎ Feb 26 2021
Man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him that he thinks he can see into the future.
The doctor asks, "When did this start?"
Patient replies, "Next Tuesday"
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︎ Feb 16 2021
My pet ted just found out he's not my biological son. So I had to tell him..
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︎ Jan 09 2021
Guy's doctor tells him he's sick. He says "I want a second opinion."
Doc says "Okay, you're ugly too."
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︎ Jan 08 2021
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
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︎ May 06 2020
My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is
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︎ May 03 2020
A kid asked his dad to tell him about capitalism.
Dad: well, in a nutshell, it's a cashew.
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︎ Nov 20 2020
My rooster is an artist. He draws on plates and I add arms and numbers, but for the life of me I canβt tell if heβs drawing snakes, mountains, teepeeβs, etc., so I finally asked him and he said:
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︎ Aug 26 2020
A guy told me heβd give me $5 if I could tell him two things that hold water. I though for a minute then said....
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︎ Sep 20 2020
A programmer's wife tells him: "While you're at the store, get some milk".
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︎ Jul 20 2020
What does Adam Lambert say when you tell him you did your math homework in the snow?
"Don't give a damn about your cold calculation."
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︎ Sep 11 2020
My neighbor came over again to tell me about his new lawn, so I told him to get lost.
Iβve heard enough of his sod stories.
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︎ Aug 20 2020
I called my friend to tell him about my big promotion and how it comes with a lot of new responsibilities now that I'm running the business. He asked what my new job was and how I was holding up.
I told him "I'm generally managing"
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︎ Aug 21 2020
A rich occultist tells his Butler to get him some aged bourbon
He summoned spirits of long ago
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︎ Aug 03 2020
My son comes up to me today and tells me heβs gay. My wife tried to stop me but I couldnβt stop myself shouting at him.
Hi gay Iβm dad. I just get so excited at every oppertunity to say it.
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︎ Jul 11 2020
My son asked me to tell him a boat joke. I said, "I can't think of any, but...."
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︎ Jun 08 2020
A guy goes into a library and asks about books on premature ejaculation. The librarian tells him the book is checked out til next week.
The guy comes in the next day looking for the books again but quickly apologizes. Sorry I came early.
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︎ Jul 05 2020
Man looks everywhere for his colourful tie when his wife tells him "I'm afraid you can't wear it anymore". "Why?"
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︎ Jul 06 2020
What did the Mexican tell the foreigner when teaching him about stoplights?
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︎ May 25 2020
My grandfather would talk to ghosts whoβd tell him what size clothes to wear,
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︎ Mar 31 2020
Why didn't Thor's brother tell him he was coming over?
It was just a low-key visit
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︎ Jan 18 2020
My girlfriend has a fat orange cat that looks like a pumpkin. She tells him heβs beautiful.
I tell him heβs gourdeous.
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︎ Mar 20 2020
My grandfather has a funny story he likes to tell people about how a long time ago he swallowed his wedding ring and then it came out 10 years later. I've heard him tell it many times over the years.
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︎ Jun 27 2019
A chef excitedly calls up his friend to tell him about his latest creation
"I've just discovered the recipe for an amazing type of cheese sauce made with cheese, butter, flour, milk, and peppers!" he exclaims.
The friend, unimpressed, replies, "K, so?"
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︎ Dec 18 2019
My son was being very noisy attaching cross-laced string to an oval frame. I had to tell him...
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︎ Jan 01 2020
Went to a priest to tell him about my weekend he told me to do 20 hail marys...
20 hail marys? Who does he think I am Aaron Rodgers?
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︎ Jan 31 2020
What does Trump's security tell him when he is attacked?
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︎ Apr 17 2019
The gingerbread man goes to the doctor and tells him he broke his foot.
The doctor asks "did you try icing it?"
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︎ Nov 16 2019
Nurse comes in and tells the doctor "There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?" The doctor says...
"Tell him I can't see him!"
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︎ Oct 13 2019
An atom turns to the atom beside him and tells it a great joke but the other atom doesn't even giggle...
It was no laughing matter.
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︎ May 27 2019
Iβd need to call the doctor that helped delivered me just to tell him...
βThanks for helping me out.β
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︎ Aug 02 2019
Some jerk wouldnβt tell me the time so I clocked him.
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︎ Jul 10 2019
What do you call a man that tells the future and has four dark spots around him?
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︎ Aug 17 2019
Seems like only yesterday my brother rang to tell me I was an uncle to a baby boy, and that him and his wife were going to name him after me.
The years go by so quickly... Afterme will be 21 next week!
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︎ Jan 30 2019
Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him "dad, please, no jokes." And he replies, "with what you're wearing, I won't need to." I roll my eyes and say, "oh, wow, sick burn dad."
I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".
He's a legend among my friends dads.
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︎ Jul 27 2017
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender tells him to get the hell out.
He says, βWhatβs wrong? Iβm a fun guy!β
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︎ Mar 09 2019
Never let anyone tell you what can or cannot do. Just look at Beethoven, everyone told him he wouldn't make it as a musician.
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︎ Apr 10 2020
Never let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do.. just look at Beethoven. Everyone told him he would never be a musician because he was deaf.
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︎ Apr 27 2020
My son keeps asking me to tell him what a solar eclipse is
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︎ Sep 24 2019
Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven, for example. They told him he couldn't be a musician because he was deaf...
...but he didn't listen...
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︎ Jan 31 2019
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