Juan's friends and family always tell him how to live his life, but he's been doing some solitary soul searching

Because it takes Juan to know Juan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"

"But he didn't listen!"

πŸ‘︎ 230
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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My friend told me he once met a lady with twelve breasts. "Sounds strange," I had to tell him....

Dozentit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jumbojimbojamo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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Man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him that he thinks he can see into the future.

The doctor asks, "When did this start?"

Patient replies, "Next Tuesday"

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marycartlizer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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My pet ted just found out he's not my biological son. So I had to tell him..

"you're a-dog-ted"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/puzzlemaster1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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Guy's doctor tells him he's sick. He says "I want a second opinion."

Doc says "Okay, you're ugly too."

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dirty_boris
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is

I said β€œNo sun”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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A kid asked his dad to tell him about capitalism.

Dad: well, in a nutshell, it's a cashew.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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My rooster is an artist. He draws on plates and I add arms and numbers, but for the life of me I can’t tell if he’s drawing snakes, mountains, teepee’s, etc., so I finally asked him and he said:

Clock’s a doodled doo.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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A guy told me he’d give me $5 if I could tell him two things that hold water. I though for a minute then said....

Well dam.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotJustAmy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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A programmer's wife tells him: "While you're at the store, get some milk".

He never comes back.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dummy_149
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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What does Adam Lambert say when you tell him you did your math homework in the snow?

"Don't give a damn about your cold calculation."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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My neighbor came over again to tell me about his new lawn, so I told him to get lost.

I’ve heard enough of his sod stories.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fish_and_chisps
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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I called my friend to tell him about my big promotion and how it comes with a lot of new responsibilities now that I'm running the business. He asked what my new job was and how I was holding up.

I told him "I'm generally managing"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shantron5000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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A rich occultist tells his Butler to get him some aged bourbon

He summoned spirits of long ago

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fukurslf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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My son comes up to me today and tells me he’s gay. My wife tried to stop me but I couldn’t stop myself shouting at him.

Hi gay I’m dad. I just get so excited at every oppertunity to say it.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AWilfred11
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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My son asked me to tell him a boat joke. I said, "I can't think of any, but...."

"Canoe?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-taco-rice-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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A guy goes into a library and asks about books on premature ejaculation. The librarian tells him the book is checked out til next week.

The guy comes in the next day looking for the books again but quickly apologizes. Sorry I came early.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mark503
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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Man looks everywhere for his colourful tie when his wife tells him "I'm afraid you can't wear it anymore". "Why?"

Tie died.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dinzll
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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What did the Mexican tell the foreigner when teaching him about stoplights?

"Red stop, Gringo."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShyGuyGamer667
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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My grandfather would talk to ghosts who’d tell him what size clothes to wear,

He was a medium.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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Why didn't Thor's brother tell him he was coming over?

It was just a low-key visit

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WantedDadorAlive
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
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My girlfriend has a fat orange cat that looks like a pumpkin. She tells him he’s beautiful.

I tell him he’s gourdeous.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cerealkillr95
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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My grandfather has a funny story he likes to tell people about how a long time ago he swallowed his wedding ring and then it came out 10 years later. I've heard him tell it many times over the years.

It's old butt gold.

πŸ‘︎ 210
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πŸ‘€︎ u/byebyebyecycle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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A chef excitedly calls up his friend to tell him about his latest creation

"I've just discovered the recipe for an amazing type of cheese sauce made with cheese, butter, flour, milk, and peppers!" he exclaims.

The friend, unimpressed, replies, "K, so?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hollowbody57
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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My son was being very noisy attaching cross-laced string to an oval frame. I had to tell him...

Stop making that racket.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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Went to a priest to tell him about my weekend he told me to do 20 hail marys...

20 hail marys? Who does he think I am Aaron Rodgers?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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What does Trump's security tell him when he is attacked?

Donald, Duck

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainOverKill16
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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The gingerbread man goes to the doctor and tells him he broke his foot.

The doctor asks "did you try icing it?"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boop108
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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Nurse comes in and tells the doctor "There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?" The doctor says...

"Tell him I can't see him!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdryan1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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An atom turns to the atom beside him and tells it a great joke but the other atom doesn't even giggle...

It was no laughing matter.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imalilfatgirl
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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I’d need to call the doctor that helped delivered me just to tell him...

β€œThanks for helping me out.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pgtart
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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Some jerk wouldn’t tell me the time so I clocked him.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyeyedmcgee
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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What do you call a man that tells the future and has four dark spots around him?

A foreshadow

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Honeytoast123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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Seems like only yesterday my brother rang to tell me I was an uncle to a baby boy, and that him and his wife were going to name him after me.

The years go by so quickly... Afterme will be 21 next week!

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cruachan2017
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him "dad, please, no jokes." And he replies, "with what you're wearing, I won't need to." I roll my eyes and say, "oh, wow, sick burn dad."

I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".

He's a legend among my friends dads.

πŸ‘︎ 658
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
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A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender tells him to get the hell out.

He says, β€œWhat’s wrong? I’m a fun guy!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JjrShabadoo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
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Never let anyone tell you what can or cannot do. Just look at Beethoven, everyone told him he wouldn't make it as a musician.

But did he listen?

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SerbianTarHeel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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Never let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do.. just look at Beethoven. Everyone told him he would never be a musician because he was deaf.

But did he listen?

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manda00710
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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My son keeps asking me to tell him what a solar eclipse is

I just tell him no sun

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scottdereddit101
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven, for example. They told him he couldn't be a musician because he was deaf...

...but he didn't listen...

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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