Chinese food take away: $10. Cab fare to get it: $6. Getting back home and realising they forgot one of your containers....

Riceless.

πŸ‘︎ 214
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πŸ‘€︎ u/v_cleaner
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2015
🚨︎ report
The Blitz of Puns

It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.

Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.

When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.

The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really don’t know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you don’t overload your capacitors.

The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.

Scissors always cut to the point.

Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you don’t stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.

When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.

Mr. Tea says, ”Don’t be a fool, stay in school!”

i c e i c e w a t e r

Architecture is an aspiring career path.

β€˜Pun’ puns don’t add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.

I’ll do algebra. I’ll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.

Plants should always rooted in the ground.

Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.

Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Don’t take these puns for granite.

Cheese puns are grate because you don’t have to ask for parmesan to use them.

Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.

My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.

I am not a fan of wind turbines.

Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.

Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.

Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.

Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.

A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.

I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.

Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.

Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zmanofdoom95
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm going to have an army of angry people after me due to my bad jokes one day...

But it's okay, I'll take my pun-ishment.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeweljessec
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
🚨︎ report
30 Skeleton puns. Can you handle the skull rattling mayhem?

The Duke of Dance: If i don't stop soon, you're really gonna have a bone to pick with me.

The Duke of Dance: I need to stop being such a numbskull.

The Duke of Dance: help.

Sans: I gotta write these down.

The Duke of Dance: I don't have enough backbone to deal with my own shit

The Duke of Dance: but that's tibea expected.

Sans: I find this humerus.

The Duke of Dance: damn

The Duke of Dance: stole my next one.

The Duke of Dance: I'm not fibulaing you when i say, i'm running out of material. I'm really trying to think of more puns here, but i'm patellaing you, i'm out.

Sans: I don't even know this many bone names.

The Duke of Dance: My cranium is empty. i'm running bone-dry here.

The Duke of Dance: But you'r quite sternum in your wanting of these puns.

The Duke of Dance: don't worry, i'll stop temporalily. Not really tho.

The Duke of Dance: I'm taking these puns to the maxilla.

Sans: Can you make a pelvis pun?

The Duke of Dance: Not really. I can't think of any. So no hip hip hooray here.

Sans: That was alright.

The Duke of Dance: Are you having a femury time?

The Duke of Dance: I find myself sacruming to the need to make puns.

The Duke of Dance: helpican'tstop

Sans: I'm having a pun time.

The Duke of Dance: I'm gonna turbinate my puns, cuz i'm on my last leg-bones here.

The Duke of Dance: i'm getting desperate, you can tell.

The Duke of Dance: I didn't name a specific bone.

The Duke of Dance: Which is almost completely mandableitory.

The Duke of Dance: I have made more puns tonight than i have in a LONG time.

The Duke of Dance: Throw me a bone here, have i made enough skeleton puns?

Sans: There will never be enough skeleton puns. Mind makin' a list for me?

The Duke of Dance: Do

The Duke of Dance: Do you want me to write everything i just said down for you?

The Duke of Dance: I'm quivering at the thought of coming up with more skeleton puns.

Sans: I don't see any arrows.

Sans: Don't be a lazy bones, come up with more.

The Duke of Dance: I'll see you later, my vertebrah.

Sans: Have you any backbone?

The Duke of Dance: I already made that one.

The Duke of Dance: :3

Sans: SCREW IT, I'M MAKING ANOTHER

The Duke of Dance: Not so easy coming up with fresh material, is it?

The Duke of Dance: Also, "quiver" is another name for one of your joints.

The Duke of Dance: I'm just really looking at medical sites for this shit.

Sans: CURSE YOU GOOGLE.

The Duke of Dance: it's tibea expected. <Favorite skeleton pun, using it again

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2015
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...

β€œThis takes me back.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jonny1211
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screen shots.

πŸ‘︎ 461
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chihiro_yoru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
79% of people don't know opposite words for the following.
  1. Always
  2. Coming
  3. From
  4. Take
  5. Me
  6. Down
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tekprojekt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
The wife and I have decided we don’t want kids

They’re not taking it very well

πŸ‘︎ 181
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I've offered my elderly neighbour $20 to try out her stair lift.

I think she's going to take me up on it.

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I can't believe I just got fired from the calendar factory...

All I did was take a day off.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Ordering KFC, and I ask for a chicken wing. Cashier asks, β€œok sir, and which side?”

I replied I had never thought about it before, but I suppose I’ll take the right side.

Cashier: β€œsir, I meant mashed potatoes, corn, or beans.”

πŸ‘︎ 335
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Fun fact about potatoes!

Fun fact, if you take a potato, cut it in half, stick electrodes in each half and bring them close together but not quite touching, then you’ve made a capacitater!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/givemeagooduns_un
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a horrific fear of elevators

I’ve started taking steps to avoid them

πŸ‘︎ 218
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tubergod1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Son: "Dad, did you see pictures of that guy at the Capitol stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium? That's domestic terrorism!"

Dad: "Wrong, son. He was just taking a political stand."

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I used to work at a calendar factory

But they fired me for taking a couple of days off

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaden_strommer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you keep a bull from charging?

Take away its credit card.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Just found out my uncle is addicted to viagra

My aunt has been taking it hard

πŸ‘︎ 94
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mitalily
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is North Korea so evil?

Because they have no Seoul.

Edit: Thanks for the support and for my first award everyone! I can’t take credit for the joke itself as a friend who passed a number of years made it up in high school, but I’m sure he’d be ecstatic to see the number of updoots and laughter it’s brought.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fourchubio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Is it wrong to hate a certain race??

Because my knees can take 5K’s any more

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Branden_the_Dj
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my friend I was going to rob a toy store for some board games

He said I could go to jail for it. I said it was a Risk worth taking

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
My Dad just said this one in the drive-thru not 2 minutes ago

First Window staffer, who takes the payment: "Hi, it's $7.30 (said like 'seven-thirty')

My Father: "No it's not, it's only 1 o' clock"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefishwhisperer1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I've often wondered, are people with photographic memories born with that ability..

..or does it just take time to develop ?

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I showed my dad marble racing on YouTube...

He asked me if it takes place in the Marble Cinematic Universe

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pandamana
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My kids were disgusted. As I choked with laughter.

Sitting down having dinner with my wife and girls (1,3,4) and my three year old says β€œDo you know what my baby does?!” And she made her doll do a backflip on the table. And almost as if instinct, I said β€œwell do you know what my baby does?! MY BABY TAKES THE MORNING TRAIN...” and I hit them with the whole of Sheena Eastons song during dinner.

It was perfect.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OldManMarc88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I robbed a cookery shop last night...

To make it big, you've got to take some whisks.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you see the video of the rioter stealing Pelosi’s podium?

The guy was really taking a stand!!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m deathly afraid of elevators

So I take steps to avoid them

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ballsquancher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy has a rough day and stops at Dick’s Place...

...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.

Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. β€œWhat IS that?” β€œThat’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.

Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.

The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, β€œThat’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, β€œNo, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I just bought a new treadmill today and I’m not sure how to process this monumental purchase.

I guess I’ll take it one step at a time.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dvddesign
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Ever Since 2020 It Just Feels Wrong That...

"Every Breath You Take" is a song by a band called The Police.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OranMilne
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
One to make you scratch your pool noodle

Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.

Lifeguard: What ya got there?

Me: Hummus

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joel_sopp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
A man was walking g down the street...

When out of nowhere, he gets hit by a car and flipped over. A woman came running over as he was lying on the sidewalk, takes off her jacket and slides it u der his head.

"Are you comfortable?" The woman asked

"Meh, I make a living." He replied.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I purchased a world map and put it on the wall in the kitchen

I gave my wife a dart and said:" Throw this and, wherever it lands, i'll take you there for a holiday."

Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mac_OrchardYT
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
How can you get drunk using your cell phone?

Take a lot of screen shots!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FrankEOG
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the best date to take a pansexual on?

Take them out for a wok.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Son: Dad, will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?

Dad: I just can't see them taking off.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AviationChic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos. A sock takes five toes.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealTripleH
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I've just found out my grandad is addicted to Viagra.

Nobody is taking it harder than my grandma.

πŸ‘︎ 234
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...

β€œThis takes me back.”

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory!!!

all I did was take a day off

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shadoslayer1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I hate elevators

I will start taking steps to avoid them

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NumberBndl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Every time I put my car in reverse.

It really takes me back.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/therealfakebodhi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Just found out my uncle is addicted to viagra.

My aunt has been taking it hard....

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wzachmorris2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report

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