My friend became monk recently. I asked him if he'd take a vow of silence, but he didn't answer
I guess it goes without saying
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z
Mom said she'd throw her son from a cliff if he didn't eat his vegetables ...
A little Christmas song. A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L...
My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now" Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher.
No idea why the school hired him.
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop the Star Wars puns.
Divorce is strong with this one.
My friends said they’d un-friend if I wasn’t a Trump supporter
So, my child told me on the phone they'd got a sex change. They could tell I wasn't too bothered...
I had become trans-parent
A widow is mourning at her husband's grave site. A gentleman walks by and says "If you don't mind, I'd like to say a word."
"That would be nice" she said. "Plethora"..... "Thanks, that means a lot."
I swear stairs are gonna be my d o w n fall, the way they keep s t a i r i n g at me...
My imterviewer asked me why I put A, C, D, E, I, M, N, O, R, and T on my application.
I told him they were the letters of recommendation.
There’s a new drug going around that is nicknamed “angle”. My friends want to try it with me, but I took a D.A.R.E. course and don’t want to do drugs, so my friends make fun of me.
I guess I’m just too square to try angle.
I was on a game show and the final question was "What do you call a 3D painting made out of plaster?" I couldn't think of the answer and I was worried I'd lose all of the money. Then I got it right!
I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing “I'm a Believer”..
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop talking in clickbait.
What happened next will shock you!
My wife told me she'd leave me if I don't stop making Microsoft puns, and I need some advice
I immediately left my Office and tried explaining myself. Sure, on the Surface I do it often, but I think it Works. It's not just about Word play, either; my Outlook on life helps me Excel. She and I have such a great Team Foundation, I Azure you. I wanted to Exchange my thoughts with her, so we could work with OneDrive. I looked her right in the Windows of her soul, to Access the deepest parts of her heart, and told her I loved her. Completely on Edge, I awaited her answer...
PowerPoint of the story is: does anyone know of a good divorce lawyer?
My wife told me she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.
I told her, "I think you mean fewer".
How'd they work out the thief was a T-Rex?
I wasn’t sure if I’d like my new Karate class.
But I'm getting a kick out of it.
I stormed into the library today demanding to know why the book on high conflict personalities I'd ordered still wasn't in.
"It's not our fault" said the librarian,
"That's the one" I replied.
But I don't think you'd get it.
I was going to tell you a joke about time travel,
I wasn't sure I'd like my quarantine beard
but I can say it's definitely grown on me.
I'd be Lyon if I said I didn't find that funny.
For father's day breakfast, my daughter promised she'd make pancakes. Then she said she wouldn't. Then she said she would. Then she said she wouldn't.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
I didn't think I'd like being the host of a parasite...
But it's really grown on me.
Can I play World War Z without having played World War A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X and Y before?
/r/ShouldIbuythisgame/com…
You don't often see "turtles" spelled T-U-R-D-l-e-s
because they're an endangered feces
Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
A mechanic fell asleep and was crushed when another mechanic didn’t see him and lowered the lift. Cause of death? He was tire’d.
I didn't know I'd turned down the wrong street in Mexico...
Til I got pulled over for wrong direction on a Juan way street.
I'd like to tell dad jokes, but I don't have kids.
My dad said he'd disown me if I didn't know a twelve letter synonym for "obstructive".
A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?
Because they're all not 'C's.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a Believer."
I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a believer"...
I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing 'I'm A Believer'...
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
I have updated the alphabet for festive period. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z
Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show
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