In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
Sometimes Sundays are really sad, but I noticed today that they are never the saddest of the week
The day before is always a sadder day
I like jokes with a lot of soul in them.
Patients who recover on Saturdays and Sundays have a weekend immune system.
I was sitting at a red light with my family, when all of a sudden I said "Look, son! A super hero!"
How do you make a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers.
The most important part of a mail pun, is the delivery.
Saturday and Sunday used to be such strong days…
But then they were weekend.
My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge.
Why can’t it rain on Sunday
Cause then it would be rainday not Sunday.
How do you make someone fast on a Sunday?
Saturday and Sunday are the strongest days...
The rest are just weak days
A mom joke really, as my wife said it as we walked passed an Easter service letting out where "Sunday finest" isn't a thing.
Me: "Really?! She wore ripped jeans to an Easter mass?"
Wife: "Those are her holy jeans."
Why did Dumbledore almost suck Harry Potter's soul?
Because he was dementor (the mentor).
Yeah yeah yeah, the circus fire was in tents but did you hear the one about the giant who got super drunk and threw up?
Really, you didn't about that? It was all over town.
I got tickets for the next Super Bowl plus hotel and airfare, but it turns out my wedding is on the same day!
If you'd like to go instead, it's at St. Peter's Church on Main Street at 6:00 pm. Her name is Melanie and she'll be wearing all white.
Juan's friends and family always tell him how to live his life, but he's been doing some solitary soul searching
Because it takes Juan to know Juan
Why do I feel healthy on Saturdays and Sundays, and so sickly for all the other days ?
Maybe, I just have a weekend immune system.
Which tenor took his sugar pills every Sunday?
Where do all the super heroes in South Africa come from?
I was super surprised when the cashier wouldn’t give me her number.
I could’ve sworn she was checking me out.
I just saw a super big ant
After getting my first vaccine I asked the nurse what super power do I get, but she just looked straight through me.
Looks like I might have invisibility!
For years I’ve been searching through record shops trying to find rare original U2 vinyls
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
Mommy tomato, daddy tomato, and baby tomato were all out for a leisurely Sunday stroll
They walked through the flower gardens at the park. They skimmed stones across the lake. They fed the ducks bread.
It was a perfect Sunday.
Then daddy tomato had a call that his brother was in hospital. Across the road was a bus destined for that very place.
They ran back through the park dodging ducks and tripping on stones and getting tangled in foliage.
Baby tomato was starting to lag a little. So daddy tomato, in a panic, shot glances at the arriving bus and his helpless offspring. He Ran to his son and with all his might squashed him into the pavement with his Dr Martins boots and said
"Ketchup"
My kids recently been super obsessed with the moon and my wife is starting to get worried.
I told her not to worry, it’s only a phase.
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
Super spreader
Shall I tell you a joke about margerine...?
...Butter not, you might spread it...
Did you guys know that Napoleon was super skinny?
That is why they call him napoleon boney parts.
Corona didn’t need an ad in the Super Bowl for their beer.
Somebody threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head.
It's OK though as my injuries are only super fish oil.
My dad just did this to me
I was puttering around the kitchen legit just now when my dad came in and said: "Hey, son; I got you a new--well, a used iPad."
I turn, really surprised, until he hands me a rather dusty and faded blue eye cover for sleeping.
"It's a used eye pad," he said, eyes full of that "I found a really bad dad joke" delight.
.....
.....Bless my dad's soul.
Why aren’t there any patrons in the gym on Sundays?
Have a super Super Bowl Sunday!
What causes all the super-yachts to squeeze together in the same tourist spots?
What do Demons store human souls in?
Why is Sunday stronger than Monday?
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It’s been a week now and she’s still not talking to me.
Boss: How's that new glue?
I'm quitting my soul sucking corporate job to be a marine biologist.
I've gotta find some porpoise in my life.
Sunday is sad
But the day before is an even sadder day
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