I replied: "Wow that is great but I could never be a nurse. I've got no patience."
"Is it manslaughter?!"
... I draw the line
Now my interest is waning.
It was a tooterbug.
"I washed the dishes with hot water under my wife's close supervision."
Man, I did Nazi that coming.
Does that mean the other six enjoy it?
It’s cutting-edge stem cell research.
I've found there's strength in numbers.
They even had a 101 on Dalmatians
And now I'm a Sigh-entist.
It was a bat chillers degree.
It makes me feel like a prisoner
Which - to me - sounded a bit obvious. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
It’s my dream job.
Namaste.
It’s my dream job.
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
I think my parents will be so proud when they learn I'm a Cardi-B-ologist.
Unfortunately, I had to drop out. I just didn't have the patients.
..It's an oxidant waiting to happen.
Last night I pulled a classic dad joke on my daughter. Normally this would make anyone groan but because my daughter is cool like me she loved it.
We were studying for her science vocabulary test. When we came to the word “organism”
she said: “Any living thing. Like an animal, plant or fungi”
I said: “You know people think I’m a fun guy (fungi)”
(Pause) she looks at me….
Her: “Oh I get it! “ then we laugh as she explains the joke I made. She’s 9.
Classic… My daughter is going to make a great “dad” one day…
So I'm no expert at it, just a pundit.
If a man takes the helm, they're afraid that Helsinki
Those guys are the bomb
A subsequent study found that it only seemed longer.
She asked me if I had a staring problem
his jokes were so funny i started crying from laughter
i guess i have a sense of aqueous humor
They said there wasn't mushroom for a fungi like me.
“Why don’t you help me with the laundry? Its whites today.” She said.
“How will that help?” I asked.
“Well I hear whitewashing is good for revising history.”
It’s literally the blind leading the blind.
I figure, what do I have Toulouse.
But it was over my head.
It’s the neck.
They were pharaoh faucet majors.
But I stopped because I didn't have the patients
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
“Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
“Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
“Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
“Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
Good thing I managed to get a B+
I showed her a stick of butter. I asked her if it was butter. She said that it was. I asked her if she was sure. She took it from my hand and started looking closer at it. She studied the label. Then handed it back saying that it was in fact butter. I said, "Good! I am just clarifying it."
She's nun the wiser!
Which to me sounded a bit obvious. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
