A list of puns related to "Sts 5"
He was finally doing the reading for his history class. "Did you know that Bin Laden was planning to blow up monuments in other American cities?"
"I bet St. Louis was next on his list," I nodded.
"How'd you know that, Dad?" he asked in surprise.
"Well, he was our arch-enemy."
A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...
So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.
The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"
The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.
"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.
"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re
... keep reading on reddit ➡St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven."
He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?"
The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden".
St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?"
The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve."
"Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?"
The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one".
"Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."
St. Francis of a CC
Pho Ton Torpedoes.
(A consequence of reading a front page post about the sale to Taiwan while watching ST:TNG.)
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”
pauses for effect
“...I guess I let it go to my head.”
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
A slice of coconut cream pie in Barbados is $2.50 A slice of coconut cream pie in Trinidad & Tobago is $2.75 And a slice of coconut cream pie in St. Thomas is $3.25
These are the pie rates of the carribean
He ALAMO'st forgot.
You're my neck-st victim.
The first person says “I was a doctor, I saved lives.” St. Peter lets him in.
The second person says “I was a teacher, I educated and inspired hundreds of children”. St Peter lets him in.
The third says “I was a musician, I brought joy and beautiful music to many people.”
St. Peter says “ok, but you’ll have to go around back and come in through the kitchen.”
St. Ray
(12 + 144 + 20 + 3√4)/7 + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0
Well measured.
>!The expression evaluates true, but it also forms a limmerick when read out loud (click it to read a spoken version).!<
we go for a stROLL.
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking towards them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. The man says to his wife "See, and trust me, Rudolph the Red knows rain dear!"
Tony
EDIT: Alternate Ending
Dad Jokes are great and all, but I'm more into Sun Jokes. They're a little st-upiter and talk about Uranus a lot, but they're equally funny.
I went to practice my joke routine at a cemetery recently. The audience was really lifeless. Except for this one guy, he had a really deadpan laugh though.
Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself."
The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”
I am a teacher, I teach history first semester and economics second semester.
One student was upset about having so many graphs to understand and learn how to use.
St: I'm ok with memorizing everything about history, I'm ok figuring out how wars started and ended, but graphs...
Me: graphs is where you draw the line huh?
A five on the sighsmograph. Beautiful!
Edit: spelling
Two of them were still apprentices and learning the trade, but the third was a master at the craft and was also my friend. They were currently busy in the workshop working on a set of great wooden letters which spelled "BEAST". "Is your friend Paul the one working on the misshapen B?" Izzy asked. "Nope, that's not him.", I replied. "So is it the one working on the crooked E?"she responded. "Most certainly not!" I answered. I finally saw him and exclaimed, "On ST is the best Paul, Izzy!"
It is St.Fu.
Because you shouldnt press your luck!
Thanks to grandpa for this one. Happy St. Patrick's Day!
is walking in St. Petersburg Square one cold evening, when a light precipitation begins to fall.
"It looks like rain", said the man.
"Oh no dear, it's definitely snow. Look at the way it blows in the light", said the woman.
The man turns to his wife and says, "Let's ask the military officer over there. Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely rain, sir!"
"See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
http://imgur.com/ksB8cST she had to replace her phone and lost all her contacts...she posted "I need numbers.I lost all of my contacts.", so I replied "can't you just wear your glasses?!"... she wasn't as amused by my joke as I was.
St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
St. Anne.
Because the North has a supreme ruler.
Credit for original in a slightly different form: https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/aime9b/comment/eep6eyr?st=JR8D1J43&sh=307602be
St. Peter: Your number's up Euler, and Isaac Newton says you have to count all the spheres in the universe before you can enter heaven. What say ye?
Euler: Sigma balls, Dick.
Sigma is used to notate summation.
Summation is the process of adding things together.
In Barbados a chicken & mushroom pie is £2.30
In St Kitts and Nevis a mince and onion pie costs £1.75
In Trinidad and Tobago you can have a steak and Ale pie for £2.50.
These are the Pie rates of the Caribbean.
who claims he can heal anyone with magical crystals. He announces to a crowd, “anyone who needs something healed, step right up and I can heal you with my powers!” Someone steps up, on crutches. “Hi, I’m Phil, can you fix my leg?” He asks. “Yes! Of course! Phil, step behind the curtain!” Answers the crystal guy. Then, another man steps up. “You seem fine! What’s the problem?” The crystal guy asks. “I h-h-have ha-had this st-stutter since I wa-was five.” He said. “Ok, I can fix you right up!” The crystal guy says, motioning the guy with the stutter behind the curtain. Then, he says some sort of chant, moving crystals around. Once he is done he shouts, “Phil, throw a crutch over to prove you’re healed!” A crutch goes flying over the curtain. The crowd gasps. “Now, sir, with the stutter, say something!” He shouts, showing off it worked. “U-uh Ph-Phil fe-ell d-down.”
Today’s my 43rd birthday and I’m sitting st breakfast with my 8 year old. She is learning her multiplication tables and the concept of division.
Me: What numbers divide evenly into 43? Her: I’m not sure? Me: Can 43 be divided by 2?...Is it even? Her: No. Me: Correct! Since 43 is odd, we can say with confidence that it can’t be divided evenly by any even number! Can 43 be divided by 10?...Does it end in 0? Her: No. Me: Well, did you know that 43 can only be evenly divided by 1 and itself. This makes it a prime number. I guess being 43 means that I’m in my prime!
My brain:
Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it Don’t say it
Me: ‘hAvEn’t HaD A sHoWeR sInCe LaSt YeAr’
Still no idea..
A st-hiccup
u/RamsesThePigeon wrote a story. A beautiful story.
https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/640uvt/wp_everyone_with_the_same_name_shares_knowledge/?st=J18G0XCC&sh=c6efcb0f
HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. “Tim”, he said, “You have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n
... keep reading on reddit ➡Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”
pauses for effect
“...I guess I let it go to my head.”
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
St. Francis of a CC
St. Francis of a CC
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve.
They feel a slight precipitation.
“I think it’s raining," says the man.
“No, it’s snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man.
“Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
“Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
St. Francis of a CC.
...a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean
Credit goes to an excellent joke making friend of mine
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