I found a cool rock in my father-in-law's yard. FIL- Oh that's a native American fertility stone. Me- Really! How can you tell? FIL- ....

It's a fuckin rock.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plumbbookknurd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? A Sham Rock!

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Conrad273
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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If rocks would have a ranking system, stones would be low.

To get higher, you'll have to be boulder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dieuwt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2017
🚨︎ report
I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

It’s my jingle bell rock.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall...

But it was his own dumb asphalt...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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Why did the limestone leave her husband?

He took her for granite.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimple007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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I think this pig rock is stoned
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pocket4me
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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Snores loudly and car careens off road
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/holxino
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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What kind of rocks are sour?

Limestone! This was made up in the car by my 8 year old son as we were driving home from our Fathers Day outing. Promised I'd share it.

πŸ‘︎ 761
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnkirk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at β€œThe CafΓ©,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: β€œParking now, be there in 5.”

β€œDad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, β€œDad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The CafΓ©.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

β€œHello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. β€œI can’t believe it’s been so long!”

β€œYeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. β€œToo long!”

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sullyrr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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Pretty solid evidence.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coadnamedalex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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Marry her faster
πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobMash11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2018
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Rock puns

I have a pet rock but he's really hit rock bottom he has also got into rock and roll music and I think rocks but lately he has put on a stone or two so he get karma it would rock his world

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…

Must be some kind of milestone…

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2017
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Whoever came up with this had to be stoned.
πŸ‘︎ 753
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dankmonseiur69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2017
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What did the shy pebble wish?

That she was a little boulder!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/starshine531
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2016
🚨︎ report
I think I'm going to open a store that sells rocks...

When we have special promotions, I can make a commercial on the radio that says "don't take this shale for granite!"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkay1911
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2016
🚨︎ report
If you spank Dwayne Johnson...

You have really hit Rock bottom.

πŸ‘︎ 287
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrIncorporeal
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2017
🚨︎ report
A rock kept staring at me.

It was astoneishing.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Selenoth
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2017
🚨︎ report
I rolled a rock down the hill with an elastic band around it, and It hit a passerby.

My rock band, the rolling stones, was an instant hit.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
[Request] Tubas and Classic Rock

Every year for the past few years, I’ve written music for a tuba ensemble for a summer band camp. Last year’s music was titled β€œTubaChristmas in July,” which had β€œHallelujah” by Pentatonix, β€œCarol of the Bells,” β€œYou’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” and β€œHave Yourself a Merry TubaChristmas.” This year I’m about 90% sure we’re doing rock/classic rock. So far I have β€œBohemian Rhapsody” by Queen, β€œPaint It, Black” by The Rolling Stones, β€œLivin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi, β€œDon’t Stop Believin’” by Journey, and some fifth song I haven’t chosen yet (BTW I’m open to song ideas).

I need a pun that mixes Tuba with Rock or with Classic Rock. Similar to how TubaChristmas in July doesn’t include song names, but you know it’s Christmas music on tubas.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Leo_1110
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Walking around some outdoor shops yesterday...

...we passed by a decorative stone speaker playing some music.

My three-year old: "What's that?"

Not wanting to let the moment slip I simply replied:

"Oh, that's just some rock music."

πŸ‘︎ 199
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarkovManiac
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2017
🚨︎ report
Help: geology-themed puns needed.

My sister teaches at a high school for children with learning and behavior disorders, and every year she hosts a skills summer camp.

2015 will be geology-themed, and we need help thinking of a fun name for the camp.

Previous years: 2014 Summer Scenarios: Little Egypt (Egyptian themed) 2013 Summer Scenarios (first year had no kitchy name, but it was zombie-themed)

Potential examples: Stone Throne, Rock Steady, Taken for Granite, etc.

During the live-in camp (boarding school), they'll learn survival/outdoorsmanship skills (fire starting, gardening, canoeing, etc.), and have geologists as guest speakers.

Any high school learning-friendly geology-themed blockbusters would be welcome suggestions, too--but I'll post that for the people over at /r/movies.

Thanks in advance!

Edit: Thanks to everyone who actually gave appropriate suggestions, and high-fives to those who just made rock puns. My sister selected Game of Stones.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/allthedoll
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad picks up a rock on a beach

Dad: Wow! I have never seen such a beautiful sex stone!

Me (14 years old): What.... what's a sex stone?

Dad: What do you mean, "what's a sex stone?" It's a fuckin' rock!

πŸ‘︎ 585
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flutterbug32
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
🚨︎ report
Classic chain of dadjokes (no puns:

What animal can fly and eats stones? the flying stone eater.

How does an elephant come out of a river? Wet.

How do you stuff a giraffe inside a fridge? You open the fridge door, you put the giraffe inside and you close the fridge door.

How long does it take for a rock from the top of the Eiffel tower to fall to the ground? It doesn't, because the flying stone eater eats it.

What's green and smells like blue paint? Green paint.

What's white and can't climb trees? A fridge.

What's white on the outside, yellow on the inside, and can't climb trees? The fridge with the giraffe inside.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

What's green, 40 feet long and hangs from trees? Elephant snot.

What's wet and has wheels? The elephant from the river, I lied about the wheels.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dronelisk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2016
🚨︎ report
I started training at my new job and dadjoked by coworkers then got dadjoked by my new boss

So as the title said, I started training today for my new job and we had a huge meeting with all of the heads of the business and one of the heads gave everyone rocks that symbolized something or other.

I look at the rock, then at my two coworkers and say "Hey guys, do you wanna get stoned?" They groaned, as was expected, so I continued with, "Come on guys, don't be so rough on me. Making these puns was pretty hard."

My boss comes up and says "I think your puns rock".

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uldyr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2015
🚨︎ report
Was watching a NOVA documentary on Petra: the Lost City of Stone.

The intro ended with a question: How did the Nabataeans build this city of stone?

From the back of the room I hear my dad say: β€œclearly they built it on rock and roll”

sigh

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CLVN-RL
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2018
🚨︎ report
One day my dad handed me a river stone...

... it was a pretty stone, well rounded and a smooth surface.

Dad: "This is a very special stone, you should give it to your girlfriend."

Me: "Um... OK, sure."

Dad: "Do you know what kind of stone this is?"

Me: "A river stone? No, not really..."

Dad: "They call it a 'Sex Stone'."

Me: Raises eyebrow "Oh?"

Dad: "Do you know why they call it that?"

Me: "Why?"

Dad: "Because it's just another fucking rock."

ΰ² _ΰ² 

Well, I still have it on my bookshelf, and she's now my wife, so sure.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StJimmysAddiction
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2014
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
🚨︎ report
A reporter nearly erupts.

So a news anchor is interviewing the avatar of a hawaiian volcano, a man made of molten rock. The interview goes well, but the volcano god cant' seem to stop staring at the reporter's chest with his eyes of burning, liquid stone. She plays it cool, but waits for the interview to be over to call the spirit on his rude actions. He looks her in the eyes, then points to her exposed microphone, clipped to her lapelle. "What do you call that," he asks.

It's a Lavalier mic.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/necrotechnical
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Grandad got me while painting.

I was painting this rock wall for my grandfather, and he was making sure I did a good job.

I said "Don't worry grandad, I won't leave any stone unturned".

He turned around for a sec and said "Did I ever tell you about my friend who walked along the beach, carrying rocks? He always left no tern unstoned"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pasta755
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2014
🚨︎ report
Talking about Christmas presents.

Dad:"why does she want Rosetta Stone? I don't want to spend that much money on a rock."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stenten2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2014
🚨︎ report
My grandfather...

Papaw: "That over on the ground is a sex stone" Me: "What's a sex stone?" Papaw: "Some people just call em fuckin rocks."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saudiaggie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2013
🚨︎ report
I carry a stone with me to throw at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving.

It is my jingle bell rock.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
🚨︎ report

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