State 8 Puns

I was buying new tires for my car. While I was discussing my options the person down the counter was flustered at the prices she was being offered. To this she loudly asked:

"I put the same ones on my husbands Jeep last year! What happened? Why are they so expensive?!"

To which I looked at over and loudly stated. "Inflation."

The guys behind the counter laughed. The rest of the room groaned out a chorus of dadjoke music that should have been filmed live in front of a studio audience.

Rumors state that he will be positioned somewhere along the Crimea River.

and asks the bartender if they have any grapes. The bartender, puzzled, says no. The duck leaves and returns the following day, waddling into the bar to hop up on a stool and yet again ask the bartender, “do you have any grapes?” Bartender curtly replies, “no.”

The duck returns the following day, struts on in, jumps up on his stool and loudly asks the bartender once more, “do you have any grapes?” The bartender now over their limit says, “no! I don’t have any grapes! And if you ask me that again I’m going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!” Duck jumps off his stool and leaves.

The following day the bartender is fuming to see this duck come flip flopping through the door yet again, jump up on a stool and stare at them. The duck clears his throat and politely asks, “excuse me sir, but do you have any nails?” The bartender says, “no.”

“Well then” stated the duck, “do you have any grapes?”

My 5 year old son is putting together a puzzle of the states, and as he’s doing so, he’s counting all the letters in each state (too see which has the most). He then comes to Tennessee.

Him: Why do we call it Tennessee?

Shouldn’t we call it… (as he giggles to himself)… Nine-essee?

We all groaned.

She says she’s in a constant state of Missouri.

The United States of America

I'm gonna be sent to the state prism!

Talk about a sad state of affairs

A 60 year old man was arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he’d get off light but the district attorney ended up slapping a bunch of other charges on top of what he had originally been charged with, which added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and probably incompetent, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a maximum security prison with no chance for parole, so he will probably die there.

Officials all agree that sentence was way too long.

On 2/02/22, both Groundhog Day and the US State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

One involves the meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication .

The other involves a groundhog

I question the state that I was in

I don’t remember the exact episode but everyone was getting ready for a dance. In my half awake, why can’t we watch something, anything else state, I start thinking, if Mickey and Minnie had kids, they be mice. Donald and Daisy, ducklings. But what kind of kids would Goofy and Clarabell have?

Then it hit me, Bulldogs!

When my wife eventually woke up I told her the joke and she groaned and left the room.

The judge stated I was to serve my entire sentence completely alone, and in a cell made out of playing cards.

He called it, "Solitaire confinement"

Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.

I had clearly stated in my dating profile “Serious Relationship only”!

In liquid state 😛

The Vampire State Building (I know, she’s awesome).

… but everyone I know already has two.

(as told to the wife and kids on a cross-state trip this morning)

We went to a Christmas light display at a woolen mill. The entertainment was just a few minutes late starting up. The organizer made an announcement stating that the music should be beginning in the next few minutes in one of the old mill buildings.

Without missing a beat, I said, with a slightly louder voice than I'd intended, "Alright, we'll just mill around for a few more minutes."

The look my wife gave me made Hoth seem like the Bahamas.

If the two Secretaries of State have a stare down contest, ours is Blinken.

He was diagnosed with a fugue state

But clearly not the brightest state

Confused as to who it could be, he gets up and opens the door to find the county sheriff standing there.

'Why, hello sir,' he says, 'what can I do for ya this fine evening?'

'I'll get straight to the point,' the sheriff replies, 'I know you've been huntin' grizzlies in these here parts, and that's against the law!'

'Huh? I ain't been huntin' no grizzlies, sheriff,' the hunter replies, 'I been mainly focusin' on them deers i swear!'

The sheriff, not believing the hunter, insists on searching the cabin, with the hunter reluctantly letting him in. Upon his search, the sheriff finds multiple sets of the limbs of grizzly bears, providing all the evidence he needs to arrest the hunter.

The next day, the sheriff is approached at his desk by the hunter's lawyer as well as an FBI officer. Noting this as unusual he stands to greet them.

'I'm gonna have to ask you to let my client go,' the lawyer says.

'Why?' The sheriff stammered

The FBI agent interjects, 'You have violated the Constitution of the United States in imprisoning this hunter. The remains in his possession were all front legs of the grizzly bears, and as such, you have infringed upon his second amendment right to bear arms.'

A soild state keyboard, because it has no moving parts!

Because they have provinces, not states. (US joke made while in an Xbox party with a Canadian friend.)

And I said "Did you know there are four states of Adams?"

"Creepy, Cookie, Ookie, and Spooky."

And then I sung the Adams Family theme song

Founder Mark Zuckerberg states "The Meta-mucil merger will help us move things along. They are looking forward to this with every fiber of their being."

Don’t get excited. You’ll only get into a state!

If you ask me, it’s become a well unfair state.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk.” The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks." In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive; his life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is

“I live in a constant state of Missouri”

A guy was scheduled for an enema tonight... and I decided since he I a patient in a state facilty... it is an enema of the state

The tin man is walking down the street minding his own business when a steam roller comes by and runs him over.

Unable to move in his flattened state the tin man says "curses, foiled again".

Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".

Eyewitness reports state that the ship hit the flan.

so I crafted a large numeral in the back garden. I chopped, sawed, planed, sanded, and painted that number till it looked amazing. My neighbour looked over the fence and enviously stated “Nice one!”