An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
What’s something you question about a clown that farts?
What do you say to someone who has been on the moon when you feel bad about something?
>You Apollo-gize
(From my son today, he has improved astronomically over the past few years.)
If you’re thinking about doing something illegal oil yourself up first.
That way you’re a smooth criminal.
Did you hear about the penny that was forced to do something against its will?
It did not give con cent.
"Waitress,can I ask you something about the menu please ?"
Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] "The men I please are none of your business !"....OOF
My 2 year old daughter was having a tantrum. I yelled "I'll give you something to cry about!". She wailed louder.
So I handed her a knife and an onion.
You want to know something about drugs?
They can sometimes meth up your life.
If you’re trying to get your point across about something, try adjusting the decibel level of your voice up and down while talking.
It will speak volumes to people.
Did you hear about the engineer who had a crazy reasoning for doing something?
Take everything you know about bread and throw it out the window. Now let me tell you something about this new thing I made...
Do you want to know something about rocks?
I would tell you something about your internal organs but...
...You wouldn’t get it; it’s an inside joke.
Sister: Did you hear about that actress who stabbed someone? Reese something or other?
Me: Witherspoon?
Sister: No! With a knife!
I learned something today. When the news anchor says, “If you know anything about the crime, call the police,”
The cops get super pissed if you call them and re-tell the news story.
You want to know something about cooking eggs?
I told my son today, "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it."
He replied, "I don't believe you, but would you care to elaborate?"
I answered, "Its true! I saw it with my own eyes!"
You know something about birds....
They are a real blessing in disguise.
Did you hear about the actress that just killed herself? Reese....Reeese something-
-Witherspoon?!
Thanks dad.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress ”Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
She kicked me out and said “The men I please are none of your business!”
I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress ”Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
She kicked me out and said “The men I please are none of your business!”
Did you hear about that actress who got stabbed last night? Reese something....
"witherspoon?"
"No, with a knife!"
Me: Did you hear about that actress getting stabbed to death last night? What's her name, Reese something or other?
Wife: Witherspoon?
Me: No, with a knife.
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