Soccer Captions Puns

What do you think r/soccer?

Greetings snarkers, here is my first instalment of “I watched her stories so you don’t have to!” Brought to you by me.

Brittany and Jordan have been on an adventure! They attended a football game - that’s a footy match for any antipodean readers. Not to be confused with the British style of football that is also called “Soccer.” And. Erm. Also not to be confused with the other footy called Rugby. So it’s actually Gridiron. I don’t know why it’s called gridiron. I see no cast iron pans, no cattle grids… it’s all just a little confusing. That could just be me, though. Strap in! It’s a mild ride!

Scene One shows BD and JD walking through a desolate, barren, post apocalyptic environment. Oh. Wait. Sorry. It's actually a gigantic concrete carpark for a stadium. So... well, my first take could technically be considered correct. (No offence to fans of all forms of sportsball.)

Brittany, in her strange, twangy accent admits that she has never been to a football game. She's bought her HuSbAnD tickets. I assume due to Christmas, but maybe she actually bought them as a special gift for him being such a racist cunt? Nobody knows!

Regardless of this, she is wearing a beanie declaring her a chiefs fan. We all know Britt loves a good costume. Much like her faith in Jesus, she loves fitting in and looking the part. She's obviously spent some hard grifted cash on the headgear. I wouldn't have expected anything less from our Queen. Jordan looks excited. Maybe he thinks there could be a lynching at the half time show?

Scene Two and it must be as cold as Brittanys heart. 57 degrees Fahrenheit. Okay, I have checked, and that's 11 degrees Celsius for everyone who isn't in America. So not as cold as her heart. Maybe as cold as the glass diamond in her engagement ring? Who could tell?!

There's a stadium filled with people screaming and wearing red. I would suggest that I have never seen so many white people gathered in one place at one time, but I have seen video footage of rallies Trump held. Just know it is super white. Everyone is excited. I don't know about you, but I sure am! What could happen next?!

The players take to the field. I just googled the 2021 team, and there seems to be quite a lot of POC represented. I suppose minorities are used to being yelled at by large crowds of excitable white people? Maybe these black people are the "good ones?" I have no idea.

Scene Three is a picture of a gigantic pretzel. Britt captions the picture "pr

Do your worst!

It really does, I swear!

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

Posting this here as well because I need advice and the other subreddit didn't give me enough insight. I'm looking for some advice on the situation since this is a lesbian relationship.

I'll call the girl I was dating Sharon. I knew of her existence before we actually met and started dating, but I didn't know anything other than her name and heard a few things about her here and there since she was a friend of a semi-close friend (24F). We never hung out, because we had different friend circles, but we were aware of each other's existence.

About two months ago, Sharon saw me on my friend's instagram story, showed interest in me, and naturally her friend introduced us. We got along great, went on a few dates, slept together multiple times and about a week ago decided to make things official. However, this entire time up until this weekend, I was under impression that she was 22 years old.

I assumed she was close to my age, since our friend group ranges from 21 up to 28 year-olds. I even asked her on our first date, and she said she was 22. This lie was very believable, because she has a similar lifestyle to a young adult in their 20's. We were talking every day since our first date, meaning we told each other about how our days went. She has a job and is saving up to move to another country for college next year, she is finishing school and she hangs out with people older than her (co-workers). I met her friends and most of her family.I had no reason to even think about her lying about her age.

Then one day, she reposts a story her friend tagged her in. It was a picture of them in school uniforms, after their school's soccer match. It was our local secondary school's uniform. This shocked me, because she told me she's finishing high school she dropped out of, and i went on her friend's profile and found a posted set of pictures from a party that took place months ago, captioned something along the lines of "Sharon's 18 birthday". I was so shocked I sat in silence for probably way too long before calling her over to confront her.

She cried and said she lied because she's into people older than her and she knew I wouldn't give her a chance if I knew she just turned 18. We are currently not together and took some time apart to think things through. Our mutual friend knew about it and kept her age a secret for the same reason.

I have trouble accepting both her lie and the age gap. I think I can forgive the lie, but I don't think I can get past the fac

They’re on standbi

Buenosdillas

Our world has an estimated population of 7.9 Billion individuals across 7 continents, with every individual, no matter the race, religion, wealth, age, height, sex, having their own unique and beautiful life. Every individual comes across countless others living their own lives. Be it a southern farmer in the US, a wealthy billionaire, the Prime Minister of India, a drive through worker at McDonald’s, or a deranged homeless man on the streets, every single one of them have their own unique take on life and have lived through their own decisions in life. This theory stemmed from an Instagram reel where a person films a whole soccer stadium full of spectators, with the caption “every one of these people are living their own lives”. Every person who has ever lived, or is currently living, has their own story. This story starts from the day they are conceived and open their eyes to see the world, and ends on the day they breathe their last breath, regardless of what legacy they leave behind. This story of theirs can only be orally told, but no one can ever experience it the way the person who has lived it. They are the MAIN CHARACTER of their own life. Their life can be blissful, tragic, with ups and downs along the way, they may be insanely cool, or very closed off, but nobody, not even their closest friend or family to whom the person shares literally everything with, can see the world through that person’s eyes. They may have taken tough decisions or even dumb decisions that may have landed them in trouble, but it just adds a little spice to their story, and shapes them to be a better version of themselves, kind of like gaining experience points in a video game; Come to think of it, every movie, TV show, or an RPG Video game ( non mythical, and without superpowers) ever made, could be a real life story that an individual might be living, or may live in the future. They might even be the joyous helpful side - characters in other people's lives, but those side characters have a story of their own as well, (Batman had a different upbringing and his own story, and so did Robin, Cat-woman, and even Alfred). Sure, two or more people may be living the exact same lives, but the people they have met along the way, the decisions they may have taken to end up living the kind of life they are living, and the values that they were taught while growing up differs significantly. 7.9 Billion people and 7.9 Billion different stories, intertwined, amazing, unique, boring or

Pilot on me!!

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

When I got home, they were still there.

I won't be doing that today!

You take away their little brooms

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

There hasn't been a post all year!