So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
There was a man who read a joke so funny that he died of laughter.
After reading it, the authorities all agreed that it was a killer joke.
The reason there is so few organ donors is
Why are there so few pictures of the 16th President?
Because he was always a blinkin'
There are so many things I would've done differently this last year
But hey, hindsight is 2020
There was a lumberjack who moonlighted as a serial killer. He used wood chippers to dispose of the bodies, which is why he was so prolific.
Every once in a while, these guys come out of the woodwork.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
So there's two fish in a tank, one says ...
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa
and then I realized vampires are killed by holy water...they blessed the rains down in Africa
Theres 3.3 million people in here so I figured id go ahead and post that im looking for one night stand.
Matter of fact, make it 2. I need one for each lamp.
I have an addiction to reading pop-up books, so I went to the library the other day to pick up some proper grown up books to look at. I have to admit there was some good stuff there, ...
... but unfortunately nothing that jumped out at me.
There’s a new drug going around that is nicknamed “angle”. My friends want to try it with me, but I took a D.A.R.E. course and don’t want to do drugs, so my friends make fun of me.
I guess I’m just too square to try angle.
So in my country there is an app that helps navigate through cemeteries
That will help to avert many grave mistakes
There was so much water on the pitch of my daughter's football match this morning.
They needed to bring on the Sub early.
Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.
Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.
There's a rather unknown Greek myth that involved Zeus farting so loudly that it caused powerful lightning storms all over Greece. Panic and chaos ensued, and there was widespread looting as fires raged out on control.
Thus began the Zeus Toot Riots.
Detective Holmes: "Watson, what's taking so long in there?"
Watson (constipated): "No shit, Sherlock."
"So you stood there and watched while I dropped all of the laundry?"
"Yep, I watched it all unfold."
Why were there so many road accidents in the Roman Empire?
Everyone had a hard time navigating those sharp V-turns.
Wife: I know you don’t like olives, but there are so many in this salad. I can’t get them out.
So there was a protest the other day. Someone told a joke, and nobody could stop laughing. It was a riot.
With so many places in lockdown, there have been more people than ever learning origami.
You might say interest has been in creasing
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote “Ant” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
This just happened: I explained to my 11 year-old niece that wheat pennies are/were a thing. She didn’t believe me, so she looked it up on grandma’s phone. To our surprise, we learned that there are some people selling wheat pennies online for *thousands* to *TENS* *of* *thousands* of dollars.
To which I said, “That doesn’t make cents.”
I was reading a history book, and apparently in the middle east there were hundreds of years where nocturnal predator birds used to fly around and ejaculate all over the place. The Arabic people would keep each other up to date on the latest attacks; and so marked the beginning of...
so there was a magician...
I was at this spanish magic show last week
the magician got very serious all of a sudden and started counting:
uno...
dos...
and then he disappeared without a tres.
I think I peaked, and there were so few witnesses.
Ever wondered why there are so many people named Tony in New York?
It’s because on their luggage it said To N.Y
So I go the butchers and there’s a special on. 8 legs of venison for £50.
Is that a good deal or is it just two deer?
There are so many businesses that deliver right now
but I'd really prefer to keep my liver.
So there’s this game I play called Factorio
Good bakers use real butter so that there is no margarine for error.
There was this news reporter who enjoyed incorporating puns into their reports. One day, they had to cover the story of a mass stabbing. Unfortunately, the reporter couldn't think of a pun so they just sighed and went on to report the news how it was...
"Sorry, no pun n' ten dead"
The main reason there are so many dormant volcanoes on Earth is
So apparently there's now a mutated virus specifically targeting people who have worthless, aggressive, mixed breed dogs.
I hear there's a new cemetery in town that's so nice, everyone is dying to get in.
I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.
Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rains down in Africa.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
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