A coworker named Celcius recently retired from my company, so they hired a guy called Kelvin to replace him.
I bought a belt off of Amazon from a company called Orion. I was hoping it would be the best belt I'd ever owned, but it was just so-so.
I live in Wyoming, so I called my insurance to ask what would happen if Yellowstone ever erupted.
They said not to worry, I would be covered.
I don't understand why my wife was so mad and called me lazy
I didn't even do anything
My AC was broken, so I called the HVAC guy
He said he is really busy, but he might be able to squeeze me in.
I said “it would be really cool if you can do that”
My friend managed to get himself stuck in some gorilla glue, flex tape and cooking oil. He called me asking for some help so I replied...
Sorry but I dont wanna get stuck in the middle of all this.
They need to make an NFL team that is called the Cashews so when the team run onto the field the crowd yells "GO NUTS!".
Short videos on youtube are called shorts, so long videos must be....
You know when water falls from the sky it’s called precipitation, so what do you call it when water is excited?
Anticipation
(I made this up on the spot and it got a chuckle out of my dad haha so it’s already “dad approved”)
So there’s a man called Michael
Michael is married to a woman called Lorraine, but he is getting a bit bored of her.
Michael wants to start a little side thing with this girl called Claire.
Her name is Claire Lee, to be specific
Lorraine doesn’t want this, so she forbids Michael to go out with Claire.
One day, Michael was at work, and while Lorraine is out walking the dog, she gets hit by a car and dies.
Michael goes to the funeral and of course everyone’s sad, and they want Michael to go up for a speech.
Michael goes up, he’s obviously quite sad, his wife just got killed, and he says “oh, this is sad, I’m sad, she died too soon but-“
“I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone”
NASA's new telescope called Lucy has mirrors polished with diamonds so...
They will actually send Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
3 strings were walking one night and the stopped in front of a bar. 1st string was thirsty, so he goes in, and asked for a beer. The bartender said, "Get out! I don't serve strings!" So the string sadly leaves. 2nd string called the 1st a wimp. He goes in and demands to be served!
But the bartender was firm.
"Get out of here! I don't serve strings!"
The 2nd string sadly leaves.
The 3rd string said, "Both of you are dumb. Watch this!"
And so he frays himself, and ties himself into a knot. He went in, and asked for a beer.
The bartender eyed him suspiciously.
"Are you a string?" the bartender asked.
"Nope!" said the string. "I'm a frayed knot!"
(Quite the yarn, eh?) 😉
I was very unprepared for my PowerPoint presentation, so I called in sick.
My boss answered. "Hello?"
"Sorry, I won't be coming in today," I said.
"Why's that?" he asked.
I said, "Yes, very wise."
I was confused as to how much lettuce to buy from the grocery store, so I called my wife.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
The so-called "free range" movement has crossed over into baked goods as well.
After several failed attempts with baguettes, however, bakers have decided that it should remain bread in captivity.
So is Macaroni and Cheese called Mac because it is short for macaroni?
Or is it because MAC is an acronym for Macaroni and Cheese...?
A sketchy looking guy rented six smoke machines from my shop, so I called the cops.
He must be part of some extreme mist group.
So I was talking to my mom at dinner, and she was saying how she talked to her friend right before, so she told me “I called Ryan earlier...”
Confused, I said “Why’d you call him earlier when his name’s Ryan??”
In the French Court of Louis XIV, going to the bathroom happened all over the place, but loud farting was really stigmatized. So people experiencing gas had to rush to a specifically appointed room called the...
While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."
The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:
"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"
I once had a faulty box of Corn Flakes so I called up Kellogg's customer services to see if they could help.
Unfortunately they weren't able to help me in the end as I wasn't able to find the box's cereal number.
I don’t need your so called ‘ladder training’,
I have this step by step manual!
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
So there’s this game I play called Factorio
So my wife and I were driving through Pennsylvania today and drove by a place called Fort Necessity.
I looked at her and said “I’m trying very hard, but I don’t feel the need to go there”.
She didn’t say much to me the rest of our trip.
My mom just called me Eminem because my Christmas presents were so beautiful...
I want to find a street called "Sunshine" and walk down it just so I can sing "I'm walkin on Sunshine."!
So after becoming a father, my dad and I were talking about how we couldn’t believe any man would walk away from his kids. My dad says dead beat isn’t a good enough name so he asks me what they should be called. I said:
An old guy was confused and called me with the wrong number, so as a joke I gave him my brother's number. He called my brother, who ingeniously played the joke back and gave him my number. After the old guy dialed me again, my wife asked, "Who called?"
My twin brother called me from prison. He said “so you know how we always finish each other’s sentences”
1 boy was named trouble and the other was called shutup. One day trouble got lost so shutup went to the police station and said ‘I lost my brother’. The police said ‘what is your name’ ‘shutup’ the police said ‘what did you say to me’ ‘shutup’. The police said ‘are you looking for trouble’ ‘yep’
Got myself stranded today so I rang my wife. She called me an idiot but it’s been 45 minutes and they still haven’t turned up.
I get ignored so much, might as well be called terms and conditions
So Trump called James Comey a "nut job"...
Orange you glad he didn't say bananas?
I saw a guy walk into a store and buy 5 smoke machines, so I called the cops.
He must be in some extreme mist group.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.
He must be a part of some extreme mist group.
I was at the grocery store, confused about how much lettuce to buy. So I called my wife for advice.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
A sketchy guy came into my store and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.
He must be part of some extreme mist group.
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