What do you call a festival full of sleeping people?

A snoozefest

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Just_Sk1es
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2022
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People always ask me what I'm good at. I tell them I'm great at sleeping.

I can do that with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 165
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudewithmoobs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Some people have a lot of trouble sleeping.

Me? It’s so easy I can do it with my eyes closed!

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KindaIndecisive
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2022
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What do bears call people in sleeping bags?

Bearritos.

This was stolen from the NPS Instagram, which you should follow for this and other (real) amazing National Parks facts.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CGciQLIDOFS/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chexmp
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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Why should people with heart disease avoid sleeping outdoors?

Because camping is in tents.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Karma-Bot-Killer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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I can't see how people have so much trouble sleeping

Because I do it with a blindfold on

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Erikjb12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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I hate asking people if they are sleeping

they never respond and just keep making those weird throat noises.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustKebab
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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I tend to give money to homeless people, who I find sleeping on the grass, on a winter morning.

I always give credit where it's dew.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
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Most people sleep best under a down comforter.

Sorry. I guess that’s not a joke.

Just a blanket statement.

πŸ‘︎ 370
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nachotaco831
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2022
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Someone once said to me. β€œHow do you sleep at night knowing that people don’t like you” To which I replied

β€œWith the fan on”

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2022
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I saw on Reddit that 30 percent of people allow their pets to sleep in bed with them. I decided to try it...

...but my goldfish died.

πŸ‘︎ 983
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2021
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What do depressed people sleep on?

Nothing really mattress

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weezerstan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2022
🚨︎ report
Tall people tend to sleep longer
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rocksalt3d
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2022
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A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
My wife has just phoned me to say that 3 girls in her office have received flowers and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2022
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My daughter is away at college and she has to chose a degree soon

Honestly her mom and I always did 75 at night but this is her own life and her own thermostat so I am proud of her no matter how she chooses to set it!

Edit: I used to think this world / community is very polarized. Now I realize they are not - they are really sort of gradually distributed between uncomfortably cold and uncomfortably hot....

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whatknot2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2021
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My deaf wife kept talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eyes out!

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2021
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My girlfriend and friends all dislike my Egyptian deity comedy routine....

I Thoth I'd get more of a Ha, Heh, and a maybe even a Kek out of her, but instead she thinks I'm a Nut! I even got all dressed up in my best Khepri shorts to practice on my material with her. I had hoped she'd be more agreeable to them, but she even started bullying me, grabbed my arm and Hatmehit myself a few times, so I told her to stop with that and Imentet! I don't like being treated like some street Mut!

I tried to tell her, "Babi, please stop!" She, however, was having Nun of it! It was starting to Geb me a bruise! Besides, I hadn't even gotten to my Bastet ones yet! So I told myself Heqet all! I'm gonna tell my jokes, because at least they make me Hapi! She didn't care, just told me to Shu! Said I was a Nemty-headed fool. How rude!

Being a Tefnut to crack, I called for the Aten-tion of my friends so they could at least listen to my whole Set, and busted out with this great Amun-gus joke! I certainly thought it was a Neith little joke, but right off the Bat, they were telling me to Wadjet with the dumb puns, and I need to Wadj-wer I'm taking these jokes. One of them even did a literal face-palm and stood up to leave! I told him to stop that, because I don't like to see Menhit themselves, or anyone for that matter, so thankfully, Hesat down again.

I tried Anhur-ther time, but another friend accused me of Nepit-ism! I told him he clearly never Nu what that word meant to begin with, Aani just spits in my face! Ptah! I really Maat him angry, it seems. Nothing but Ra Ra rabble rabble with him....I wanted to wash his mouth out and see how the Sopdu in fixing that bad attitude of his...

After that treatment, I had no choice but to Pakhet in. Bennu really rough day dealing with all this pushback. Neper again will I tell another pun. Isis the error of my ways now and learned a valuable lesson today: Even the closest people in your life will either like the jokes you Hathor they won't. If they don't, you just have to Reshep your comedy routine to the crowd you're playing to, otherwise, you'll upset your girlfriend so badly, you'll end up sleeping in the Shed!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garbagewithnames
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2022
🚨︎ report
Do people people see colors when they dream?

Or is it just pigments of their imagination?

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Police just arrested a lurker with a knife hiding in people's sleeping gear at a popular camping site.

He was charged with criminal in-tent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Killjoy13337
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Thieves have stolen 20 crates of Red Bull from my local shop...

I don't know how these people sleep at night

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wallygonk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Where do hardcore people sleep?

Intense!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manubamboo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2018
🚨︎ report
If....

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are ProbablyΒ the family dog.

Handle every stressful situation like a dog:

If you can't eat it or play with it,Β pee on it and walk away!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Turbo-R
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2022
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Why is insomnia not a joke?

Because people are losing sleep over it.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2021
🚨︎ report
A lot of people tell me that they have trouble sleeping....

Well, I can do it with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What do bears call people in sleeping bags?

Bearritos.

This was stolen from the NPS Instagram, which you should follow for this and other (real) amazing National Parks facts.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CGciQLIDOFS/

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ford456fgfd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people have difficulties sleeping.

But I can do it with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people have trouble sleeping...

...but I can do it with my eyes closed...

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2016
🚨︎ report
Why do people have trouble sleeping?

It's so easy. I can do it with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abdullahmnsr2
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people have trouble sleeping...

...but I can do it with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why should people with heart disease avoid sleeping outdoors?

Because camping is in tents.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people have difficulty in sleeping

But I can do it with my eyes closed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yashrajt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people have trouble sleeping.

I can do it with my eyes closed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2016
🚨︎ report
I tried calling my friend Ashleigh late last night

Turns out she was Ashleighp

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PurpleFunk36
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2022
🚨︎ report
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YZXFILE
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Tall people sleep longer in bed

friend of mine told me this today. I wanted to share

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ggwp_0001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a country in which people sleep all the time?

a hibernation

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XerevoFaris76
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know tall people sleep longer in bed?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danyodaddyo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
People who sleep with 3 or more pillows are psychopaths.

But im comfortable with it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sans_was_taken
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do homeless people like to sleep on bags of chips?

Because it's Frito Lay.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CSwork1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call the people in your family who sleeps all the time?

Well, obviously they're napkin.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GIGAR
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2017
🚨︎ report
A lot of people tell me when they drink coffee they can't sleep…

I have the same problem, but the other way around…when I sleep I can't drink coffee.

πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Sleep is actually far more important than a lot of people think.

Because at the end of the day, isn't that what it's all about?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaciejWaciej
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know that taller people sleep...

...longer in bed?!

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2017
🚨︎ report
I HATE HOW FUNERALS ARE ALWAYS AT 9AM

I'm not really a mourning person πŸ˜”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AboutKemosabe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report

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