A list of puns related to "Slap Up"
So I figure this is a regular occurrence for people, and idk if anyone's posted about it before (if so my bad), but y'all ever get real worked up about gnats?
Like,
Sorry if these puns are so bad they fly over your head. Sometimes you just gotta wing it. π
A lady came up behind me and slipped as well, I said I just did that, she slapped me and said use the toilet next time
Guy:"Whats this about?" Bartender:"Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyones drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it? Guy:"Nah, the steaks are too high."
A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...
So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.
The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"
The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.
"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.
"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up youβre
... keep reading on reddit β‘A Dictator
-my dad told me that growing up and I still get a knee slap out of it
A Call to Arms A Plead to the Limbless
The Armless are a stump among society and could easily achieve more. Itβs bothersome that somebody with great potential could allow themselves to lose grip of what they aspire for. The radius of support and development that surrounds these people is astounding. Yet they bite the hand that feeds and throw away opportunities. With each passing day they are crippled by the errors in their ways. Not only are they not properly handling the situation, they are doing a disservice to society. Most will say to refrain from pointing fingers, but it is pertinent that we show them their faults.
All aside we should most certainly not try to elbow my way into their lives. However, if they were to branch off into their own progressive groups it would be most beneficial. And severance is a good thing between them and the public. This doesn't mean a complete amputation of them from society. Perhaps selective assistance will help these people find a well fitted sleeve within their communities. This process is difficult and lending a helping hand can make the difference.
On the other hand, we have those who donβt try to succeed. Their negligence is worthy of more than a mere slap on the wrist. When somebody refuses to apply themselves, they are holding back progress. By giving themselves mental limitation they are creating a prosthetic disability they must abide by. The majority of working to achieve goals is believing you can reach out and grab them. But, somebody who gives up is cutting themselves short of success Seeing somebody give up is the furthest thing from being humerus. Urging these people is a necessity, otherwise they will never try their hardest, encourage them to use some elbow grease and put forth full effort. Any small contribution is better than being a detriment, community service, obtaining greater education, enlisting in the armed forces, these all benefit society. Drastic changes of this scale are sure to cause discontent, grab a tissue if need be, but never give up. For all those that are currently wasting away without contribution, it's time to limbβer up and take charge.
She loves turning into a "blood monster," running up to people, slapping them, and claim she's sucking our blood as she yells "I'm a blood monster! Rawr!"
Me: "Oh no, she's a hemoGOBLIN!"
I got some applause from the few adults present.
... and noticed 3 pieces of meat hanging from the celing upon entering his house. The boy asks his father, "What's this about?" The dad replies, "If you can jump up and slap the meat, you don't have to do any chores for the next month. However, if you miss, you have to do your chores and your brother's chores, along with no video games for a month. Still wanna do it?" The boy replies, "No thanks, I'm good." The dad responds, "I figured you would say that, I did raise the steaks pretty high."
with an enclosed trailer on our hitch. Every other pump at this highway gas station was in use. Dad steps out of the car and before attending to the pump, walks up to the trailer and slaps the paneling several times (pound) (pound) (pound) "Hey! Be quiet in there!"
You know there's a lot of standing up and sitting down during services. When my uncle stood up, the woman in front of him turned around and slapped him in the face. And then she did it again. I heard he was then banned from church.
Later on I asked him what had happened and he said, "Well, when we stood up, I noticed her skirt was in a wedgie so I pulled it out. Then she slapped me. So I put it back."
And that is why my uncle is not allowed in church anymore.
me: I'm gonna be building a deck somewhere down south.
dad: do you know how to get there?
me: Yeah, I have to go through a town called Lodi.
dad: I hope you don't get stuck there!
I guess I set myself up for that one
[Girlfriend comes up and asks for the time]
Her: "What time are we on?"
Me: "Greenwich Mean Time"
Her: "You need a slap, you do!"
I was at my parent's place picking up my little munchkin, when my dad walks up grinning from ear to ear.
Dad: "Hey son, I came up with a new million dollar idea! Want to hear it?"
Me (already rolling eyes): "Sure let's hea--"
Dad: "Well you invent a device that lets you paint pictures on a TV with a remote control. You know, really explore your creativity!"
"I call it Mozart."
He then snorted and slapped his knee.
My mum and dad had separated by this point and he was picking me up from the town centre where I was with a girl I was seeing, named Jenni. After introducing herself my father paused for a second, let out a slight smirk and replied "What, from the block?" slapped his thigh and let out a hearty dad-chuckle.
We were camping and setting up a tent thing to cover our food.
her: i wonder which way the rain will fall (meaning which side it'll hit)
me: ...uhh down?
her: ...wow
mom: go ahead and slap him
Just found this subreddit and, being a dad, I figured I needed to share some material...
I'm checking out at the home improvement store, my wife standing next to me as the bubble-headed cashier rings me up. She gets to a bag of six inch galvanized spikes that I was buying for an outdoor project. Trying to look up the price in her book, our ditzy cashier holds one up and says, "Is this nine inches?" I smile and turn to my wife saying, "Her boyfriend must love her. He's got her convinced that that's nice inches..."
At that point my wife slapped me saying, "You're disgusting!" and our little airhead just stood there and had no idea why.
I only got to see my grandpa on my mom's side about once a year usually growing up, but there was always one common factor of each visit.
At some point during the catching up conversations, Pa (what we called him) would get a real dejected look on his face. Then he'd face my mom:
"Oh Vicky... guess who died?"-Pa
"Oh no... Who?"-Mom
"Elvis." -Pa
He'd then giggle, finger fun, and slap his thigh. Every. Single. Year.
I have a feeling he used that one for the better part of 40 years.
Long, but worth it. GF visits me at work, I sneak up behind her and pinch her butt. She jumps, turns and asks "Why do you always do that?!" Me: "What?" GF: "Misbehave?" Me: "Sounds like a naughty teacher." GF: "huh?" Me: "Miss Behave, she sounds like a naughty teacher." GF groans and slaps me on the shoulder as a Female Co-worker walks by. FC: "Dunno what you did, but I'm sure you deserved that." GF: (to FC) "He did." (To me) "Who's that?" Me: "Oh, that's Missus LeJoke" (cue cheesey grin :D) GF realizes what I said, rolls eyes, groans "oh jeesus", facepalms, and walks away chuckling.
So my wife and my eldest daughter were having a boop war, each trying to get in the last boop. As they were fighting with each other's hands over my shoulder, I commented, "keep your hands off her boops!" My daughter cracked up and my long suffering wife slapped me.
Edit: Grammar from my grammar Nazi daughter.
There was this convenience store and the owner had a parrot perched next to the register. The parrot would talk to customers as they walked by and one day a man was walking by and the parrot said "You're the ugliest man I ever saw.". Taken aback, the man said "What did you say?" and the parrot said "You're the ugliest man I ever saw."
The man was outraged. He talked to the owner and said "Do you know what your bird just said to me?"
"No." said the owner.
"He said I was the ugliest man he ever saw."
"I'll give him a talking to." said the owner. "You come back tomorrow and see if things aren't a bit different."
That night the owner takes the parrot and slaps him around some, and tells him not to insult the customers ever again.
So the next day rolls around and the man stops by the store. He walks up to the register and says to the bird "What do you think you're lookin' at?"
The bird says, "You know."
As we are driving we come up to a hill and half way up we see a man on a longboard trying to make his way up, when my wife points at him and says that guy fighting an uphill battle! Eyes rolled and knees were slapped.
My Dad has thrown me some pretty good/bad dad jokes in his time... but yesterday he sat me down on the couch and started telling me about a frog who couldn't get a loan from the bank. He looked really concerned and it went something like this...
"... so this frog really just wants a loan, and decides to try one last time. He walks up to the teller, a Mrs Patricia Wak. P.W: Hello sir what can I do for you? F: I'm just after a $30,000 loan. Can you help P.W: Wow, that's a really large loan. What collateral do you have? F: Just this little toy elephant (pulls out from pocket) P.W: I'm afraid that's not going to secure the loan, sir. Do you have anything else? F: No P.W: Well them I'm afraid we can't help you
And the frog starts to well up and cry, he starts howling inconsolably and is an absolute mess F: You don't understand! I need this loan! Please, my name is Froggy Jagger. I come from a long line of Jaggers, my father Mick is good for the money now please help me! P.W: I'm sorry but a little toy elephant is never going to secure you... F: I want to see a manager!!
So Patricia Wak goes and gets her manager, and the frog tells the man about his need for a $30,000 loan. The manager agrees and pulls Patricia aside to explain why...
P.W: I don't understand this guy, what's the deal with the little elephant? M: It's a knick-knack, Patty Wak! Give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!
Dad then proceeded to slap his knee and laugh wildly while I stood up and walked away.
(I think this joke makes a lot more sense if you're an Australian...)
Not a dad, but this is in line with it all.
It was a party around Halloween-time, but not specifically a Halloween party. Things were wrapping up, people were heading out and my roommates were saying goodbye.
They were doing some goofy ass handshake, bumping fists, slapping, all that dumb shit.
While they're wasting time, I look on the table and see various Halloween decorations, including body parts made out of Jell-O. They're slightly jiggling, as all Jell-O molds seem to do.
I quietly mumble "Hehe... handshake."
The host of the party looks at me and says "Are you making fun of our hand shake?"
Without saying anything else, I reach over to the table, pick up the plate the Jell-O zombie hand is on, hold it close to his face, wiggle it back and forth and repeat "Hand shake".
He grabs me by the back of my shirt and drags me out of the apartment. I thought it was funny.
MAN LAWS
The International Rules of Manhood
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding
... keep reading on reddit β‘My dad bought a new tool set and was putting all the tools in their place and he ended up saying this.
"Wow a hex key set, a drill bit set, and even a driver bit set. I guess you could say I'm set"
*Cue knee slapping and laughter
The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"
The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
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