My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
I'm an asexual ninja, you'll never see me coming.
My Irish friend invited me to see this awesome rock, but he only had a stupid plant with him.
As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore
ljust bought this new TV and it says
Built-in Antenna." I don't even know
where that is.
Girlfriend asked me if I wanted to see 12 monkeys tonight.
I told her I’d meet her family another time.
I just downloaded Pokémon Go, so if you see me in the bushes outside your window, don't worry.
I'm just trying to get a Pikachu.
I went to a restaurant and asked if I could see an old email. They looked at me so strangely.
I expected better from my server.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view , so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out “can you all see me now?”
My daughter just got me good… I said, “Did you know you can always see your own nose and your brain just ignores it?”
She said “yeah because it NOSE it’s there”
At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
My son’s fourth birthday was today, but when he came to see me I didn’t recognize him at first.
My 8 yo son just hit me with a classic dad joke and i didn't even see it coming!
I'm sitting here scrolling reddit when my son casually strolls out of his room into the kitchen...
Him: (knocks on the fridge door)
Me: (genuinely confused) what are you doing?!?
Him: Knocking on the fridge door
Me: Why?
Him: Just in case there is salad dressing in there...
It's a lame dad joke i know, but his execution was so spot on i couldn't help but laugh out loud.
I find it really annoying whenever I see a homeless person shake a can of coins at me.
I always think to myself, "I get it! You have more money than me!"
My boss just caught me using a stopwatch to see how long it takes me to poop
I was in an interview and they asked me where I see myself in 10 years
I said the same place I see myself now, in the mirror
When it was my first prom I was really nervous, and this called me to be really thirsty. As a song ends, I see my opportunity and all of a sudden I rush to the punch bowl.
My child told me that they thought they might be trans. I told them “I could already see.” And they asked “how?”
A lot of people were surprised to see 50 Cent at the Super Bowl halftime show, but not me.
Who else would you expect after two quarters?
It made perfect cents to me.
"Mr. Wonka, you said you'd give me a magical tour of your confectionary factory, but all I see is a single brown dog!"
Willy Wonka: <stroking dog> No... I said I'd show you my Chocolate Lab
Child to Parent - If you didn’t see me for 10 mins would you remember me? Parent - Of course! Child - How about 10 hours, days, weeks, months, years? Parent - I will love and remember you for ever!
Child - Knock knock
Parent - Who’s there?
Child - You’ve forgotten me already!
I looked at the first ten jokes on this sub to see if any would make me laugh
Hey guys. There's a grocery store on my left, a few cars, some people going for lunch, I see a bunch of carts or trolleys, whatever you call them. Please just think about me.
I'm going through a lot right now.
Coming home from work I see a person fall in the snow. They seem badly hurt. They grab my attention and they say "please, will you call me an ambulance?"
"Yes" I reply
And so I look at them and say ...
..."you're an ambulance"
My friend took me to the movies to see 'Constipation'
However, the movie didn't come out yet.
We'll try again next week!
If only you could see me now…
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German where all attending a Zoom meeting. The Supervisor asked “can you see me ok?”
To which they answered “yes” “oui” “si” “ja”.
“You know son, you won’t be able to see me anymore, if I decide to become a woman one day.”
“Honestly, that’d be strange at first, but I’m sure we’d work past that and still be a family.”
“No, son, I’d be trans-parent.”
I was observing drawings of feet and my girlfriend comes in the room, I ask her if she wants to see feet pics, she looked at me awkwardly, said no and left right after.
She must not be heeling it today.
I went to the hippie bookstore to see Noam Chomsky give a lecture on linguistics. I was excited, so i showed up a bit early. When i arrived, there was already a jar of fresh herbs in line ahead of me. I guess it’s true what they say.
Thyme waits for Noam, man.
My friend asked me if I wanted to see his pamphlet.
The doctor told me to rub ketchup onto my eyes to see better
My dad said if he see me browsing reddit again, he'll smash my head to the keyboard
I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc
For years, I’ve told people that chiropractors can not help with posture. But just yesterday, a friend convinced me to give it a try, and already I see improvement…
I went to my childhood home to ask if I can look inside to see what's it's like now, but the owners told me to go away.
My parents are so rude to me.
The manure salesman tried to deceive me. But I could see through his lies
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
I went to see my psychiatrist and told him that "no one understands me."
He said, "What do you mean by that?"
My Child asked me “what is a dark joke?” I said to him “you see that man trying to find his car?”
My son looks at me and says, “you know I’m blind right?” Me being me said “Exactly”
People would see through me if my kid became a transgender
Because I'd be a transparent
My friend asked me what I do when or if I happen to see a tiger nearby...I said...
We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”
I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”
Me: See? To prove I'm not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?
Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!
Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..
Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
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