A list of puns related to "See for Me"
Child - Knock knock Parent - Who’s there? Child - You’ve forgotten me already!
I'm going through a lot right now.
I stand corrected!
My dad said “we don’t have Time for that, we’re gonna leave any Second now, so Hand it back to the lady and head back to Hour car”
Yeah, he pushes the carts back into the grocery store! I get no respect!
“I don’t know man, you look kinda gray to me.”
According to my wife, throwing the toddler across the room was not the way to go.
My cousin (MtF) has just come out to the family- she told some of us "younger" ones but she was afraid especially of what her dad's reaction would be. He's a man of few words and was never outgoing or very affectionate to his kids, his side of the family is pretty conservative as well. A very as-seen-on-TV-in-the-90s dad with a handlebar moustache and multiple different-but-same polo t-shirts. Her mum passed a few years ago and they are even more distant than ever. It was finally the big day and she told him in front of a couple of us. The silence seemed to stretch on into the infinite. After some time, he got up, and without even a slight change in expression he said- "so I guess you can't see me now".
...
More silence
...
"Because I'm a transparent geddit?" With the most gigantic smile I've EVER seen him crack.
It's been 5 days and he's been cracking the same joke on every opportunity he can, ever since.
Edit- I forgot my favorite part- he asked her if she would like to add her mum's name in her new one because he missed saying it. I BAWLED my eyes out.
Edit2: obligatory I can't believe how much this blew up! We met at a family gathering yesterday and he was still chuckling so i decided to post this. I sent my cousin this post and she says he's very proud of himself. Thanks for all the awards! This is crazy!
I see that there was some confusion about the moustache description - we're a first generation Indian - Hindu family, and it's traditional especially for the older generation I think.
It's a cute moment, but not everyone is as positive. Some neighbors, people at school, a teacher or so (it's just a phase! you'll ruin your life!), and she's been handling calls all day from AH family members who only call for gossip.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡It scares the dog
EDIT: figured i’ll tell you guys a funny story. See, my dad told me this one, and then told me about what happened. He said it to waitress at a restaurant, and this Karen behind him starts screaming at him for being insensitive… my dad is blind, btw
I am not a dad. I am a daughter. For longer than I can remember, I have called my dad at "too early" times in the morning, woke him up, and told him a joke. This was a daily occurrence. Hence how I found this sub.
My dad died on Monday. You guys helped me wake him up with laughter so many times and I got to hear him laugh every day. Thank you r/dadjokes.
Edit: spelling
Wow I really did not expect so many people to see this post or to take the time to comment and reach out to me. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words. It really means a lot. This is a great community and I'm so glad to have found it. As a mom to two beautiful little jokesters, I will absolutely continue pestering them with daily jokes and keep the tradition and the laughter alive.
For those asking, his favorite jokes were the really long ones that took forever to tell and had bad/ the best punchlines. The one that immediately sticks out was posted here either Sunday or Monday and was the last one I got to tell him. I will see if I can find it and figure out how to link. It was about a farmer who really loved tractors.
Thank you to the kind redditors who found it for me.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/slwg7y/bit_of_a_story_to_this_one_but_well_worth_the_read/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Yes, you've caught me I'm not actually a dad but rather a 16 year old female. This is a mess of a story so please bear with me:)
The other day I went downstairs to take my nighttime meds. When I got to the dining room, I saw my dad sitting at the island and he just looked so... sad. I've NEVER seen him like that before but he just seemed so lost and it broke me to see him like that.
My dad always puts on the tough guy act for whatever reason. I doubt he wanted anyone to see him like that so I pretended not to notice. So, I walked over and started chatting with him. We talked about school and video games for a bit until the conversation went a bit dead. However, I had the lovely idea of telling him some dad jokes because those always cheer me up:)
Here are a few of the jokes I told (yes, I did steal them from here haha):
What did the lawyer wear to court?
A lawsuit
-----------
What do you call a romantic vampire?
A necromancer
-----------
Why didn't 4 ask out 5?
Because he was 2²
----------
I told more but I don't remember them off the top of my head.
Those jokes did spark conversation and it made me realize how much I missed having chats with my dad.
After about an hour and a half, I unfortunately had to go to bed as I had school in the morning.
However, since then my dad and I have been regularly having chats:)
I just wanted to give myself props/receive props because the other day at work (parks & rec) this guy brought an alligator to show the kids. He walked over to me, I pet it & as he turned around, I said “See ya later Alligator” didn’t realize I was waiting my whole life for that moment. Then the guy said he has birds at home & that he was worried his cat would go after them, but it’s the other way around. Then my coworker goes “SOUNDS LIKE A…- SCAREDY CAT” & then this one person had their dog at the event who ate a caterpillar on the ground and event was interrupted by them & the owner got it out of their dogs mouth, the owner said “Sorry, he got a caterpillar” THEN the guy doing the event said “SOUNDS MORE LIKE A CANT-ERPILLAR TO ME”
Ahhh… was a good day.
Old family jokes, which means I’m sure variations are out there for both of them that most of you have heard
#1- an elderly woman is watching her normal sitcoms when suddenly the news cuts into her show to show live footage of a madman driving the wrong way on the interstate! Worried sick, she calls her husband, and says “honey, there’s a madman driving the wrong way on the highway! Be careful on your way home!” Her husband responds irritated, “what are you talking about? There’s not only one madman! There are hundreds of them!”
#2- a cop pulls over a man who was speeding. He approaches the car and asks for license and registration. The driver says, “I’m sorry officer, I can’t do that! You see, this car is stolen so the registration isn’t under my name! Also, the gun I used to steal the car is in there and I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable!”
The cop is obviously a bit flustered, and asks for the man to roll down his back windows to look in the backseat. The man replies, “honestly officer that’s impossible, as I have 10 kilos of cocaine in the footwells and don’t want to expose them to outside!”
At this point the cop is quite worried and has his gun drawn, asking the driver to open the trunk! The driver replies “officer, I’m afraid I can’t do that due to the two bodies I have in my trunk!”
At this, the officer runs back to his car and radios for backup.
After about 10 minutes, the police sergeant drives up and with his gun drawn asks the man for his license and registration. The driver says, “absolutely sergeant, no problem” and hands him a perfectly normal and legal registration and license.
The sergeant then says, “and I hear you have drugs in the back seat!”
“Oh not at all, sergeant!” Says the man, opening the back window. The car is very clean and the footwells empty.
Confused, the sergeant then asks: “what about your trunk? I hear you have two dead bodies in there?”
“Not at all officer”, says the man, “only my groceries!” Popping the trunk, it’s obvious there’s nothing wrong with the driver or the vehicle.
“I don’t understand; my officer told me you told him all of these things. What’s going on?!”
The driver responds “I bet he told you I was speeding, too, didn’t he?”
He went to the Dr because of constipation. The Dr gave him suppositories and said, “Put these in your rectum 3 times a day and come see me again next week.” So, Dad goes back in a week and the Dr asked if the suppositories worked. Dad said, “We’ll Doc, for one thing, I don’t drink rectum, I drink Postum and for as much good as those did I could’ve shoved them up my ass!”
Dave was bragging to his boss one day,
"You know, I know everyone famous there is to know"
"Go on - Just name someone, anyone, and I bet that know them"
Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call Dave's bluff,
"OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"Not a problem boss"
"Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.
Tom Cruise is at home and answers the door himself and shouts,
"Dave! What's happening?"
"Great to see you!"
"Come on in for a beer!
Although shocked and more than a little impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical and he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just pure luck.
"No, no, just name anyone else then"
Dave says.
"President Biden!"
His boss quickly retorts.
"Yup"
Dave says, "We're buddies from years ago"
"Let's fly out to Washington and I'll show you"
So they fly out to Washington and go on the Whitehouse tour"
"While walking through the White House, Biden himself appears, spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,
"Dave, what a surprise,it's great to see you again after all this time"
"I was just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"
After they leave the White House grounds the boss tells Dave that he's still not entirely convinced.
Dave again implores him to name another famous person.
After thinking about it for a long timethe boss replies with,
"The Pope!"
"Sure thing!"
Says Dave,
"I've known the Pope for years - since before he became Pope in fact"
So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican.
Dave says,
"This will never work"
"I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people"
"Tell you what, I know all the Pope's guards here as well so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,
"What happened?"
His boss looks up and says,
"It was the final straw"
"You and the Pope came out on the balcony and a Japanese tourist next to me said, to me... "
"Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"
Greetings Reddit. This isn't your classical dad joke, but I bet that this sub definitely has some memers versed in this particular art. I have an odd but noble request. A request that will probably involve you abandoning some of your morals and going to lengths that you never thought possible. Some of you may not survive this, others will be scared for life. For those of you who do survive, all I can promise is an absolute abundance of vicarious comedic climaxing.
I am looking for the most complex, well-executed, strategically sound, stealthy, and grandiose ligma joke of all time, one that my friend will not see c(u)oming. He is very, very well-versed in ligma jokes, so this will be a difficult task. For example, just today I tried to get him with a Europe joke (Europe on this dick), but he caught it right away, didn't even flinch. I got him with a Samir joke a few weeks ago (Samiring these nuts on your face), but that's the only recent success I've had (really had to tee that one up too). I even asked him if he wants to hear about the new girl I'm talking to named Wilma (Wilma dick fit in yo ass) AND HE DIDN'T EVEN RESPOND.
As you can see, I'm at war with an absolute psychopath who is extremely well-versed and capable in this particular style of warfare. I'm looking for a complex ligma joke that he will never see coming. I will go to great lengths to achieve this sweet comedic release. I am talking about some pepe silva level shit. I am talking fake my own death just to jump out of my casket at the funeral type shit. So, please send any recommendations. Before you call me a normie, this war is based on layers and layers of irony.
Back in my Senior year of college, my Granddaddy passed not long after my Senior Recital (roughly early April). After his passing I was informed that at some point in the 50's or 60's he had purchased the rights to a lake out in East Texas and named it Lake Givea. I asked my dad why Granddaddy named it that and he told me that neither he, my uncle or Granny ever got the same answer twice when they asked. I mention this lake as he left it in his will to me to now have the rights to Lake Givea and it was now mine. Bear in mind, this was also right after several storms had been through its area. A few weeks after Granddaddy's funeral, Dad and I went down to the lake to inspect it and see what was what with it and to start any possible repairs. We investigated and spent a lotof time trying to spruce up the place and schedule some much needed repairs to the area and figured we would check on it as things moved along. One week after months of repairs Dad and I decided to see the progress for ourselves instead of getting updates from the contractors. We stopped at a local joint near the lake to grab a bite and the news in a local paper that broke our hearts: after massive flooding nearby, my Givea Dam was broken.
Me: wears black clothes
Her: I see you're wearing the all black attire tonight
Me: No I'm wearing all black clothes... attire's what cars have
Got a very disappointed smile for that one.
One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.
Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized.
I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him.
"Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked.
"Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it."
"Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"
I am anti-vax and I don’t care what you think. I am absolutely sick and tired of seeing people that are anti-vax getting ridiculed and bullied on Reddit because of their choice.
You need to understand we have good reason to feel this way and that by simply attacking us or belittling us will not change our minds. We will not be silenced.
I for one will never have another one again. Not a chance in hell, I don’t care what you say to try and convince me, I’ve fallen for that trap too many times before.
They are absolutely the worst brand of vacuum cleaner ever.
It’s Hoover or Dyson all the way for me!
I Thoth I'd get more of a Ha, Heh, and a maybe even a Kek out of her, but instead she thinks I'm a Nut! I even got all dressed up in my best Khepri shorts to practice on my material with her. I had hoped she'd be more agreeable to them, but she even started bullying me, grabbed my arm and Hatmehit myself a few times, so I told her to stop with that and Imentet! I don't like being treated like some street Mut!
I tried to tell her, "Babi, please stop!" She, however, was having Nun of it! It was starting to Geb me a bruise! Besides, I hadn't even gotten to my Bastet ones yet! So I told myself Heqet all! I'm gonna tell my jokes, because at least they make me Hapi! She didn't care, just told me to Shu! Said I was a Nemty-headed fool. How rude!
Being a Tefnut to crack, I called for the Aten-tion of my friends so they could at least listen to my whole Set, and busted out with this great Amun-gus joke! I certainly thought it was a Neith little joke, but right off the Bat, they were telling me to Wadjet with the dumb puns, and I need to Wadj-wer I'm taking these jokes. One of them even did a literal face-palm and stood up to leave! I told him to stop that, because I don't like to see Menhit themselves, or anyone for that matter, so thankfully, Hesat down again.
I tried Anhur-ther time, but another friend accused me of Nepit-ism! I told him he clearly never Nu what that word meant to begin with, Aani just spits in my face! Ptah! I really Maat him angry, it seems. Nothing but Ra Ra rabble rabble with him....I wanted to wash his mouth out and see how the Sopdu in fixing that bad attitude of his...
After that treatment, I had no choice but to Pakhet in. Bennu really rough day dealing with all this pushback. Neper again will I tell another pun. Isis the error of my ways now and learned a valuable lesson today: Even the closest people in your life will either like the jokes you Hathor they won't. If they don't, you just have to Reshep your comedy routine to the crowd you're playing to, otherwise, you'll upset your girlfriend so badly, you'll end up sleeping in the Shed!
My dad is a circus performer. He’s been doing the same act for years and years, and it was at a performance of his that he met my mom. They both tell one story about his circus career. My father’s circus act is unique and nigh unbelievable. What he would do is place a walnut on a table just below his knees, whip out his dick, swing it around and use it to crack the walnut. One audience member who saw this when my dad just started out as a young man could not believe it, and left stupefied. Decades later, with my dad in his late 50’s and still doing the act, that same man came to see the performance. That time, my dad placed a coconut on the table, whipped out his dick, and split the coconut right in half. After the show, the man, insistent on talking to my dad, found him backstage, shook his hand, and asked: “After all these years, your performance still blows me away. But why have you changed to a coconut instead of a walnut?” My dad just looked at him and said: “Well, my eyesight isn’t what it used to be.”
So this past Thursday, my wife and I had tickets to see the new Batman film. We managed to get a babysitter organised and everything.
We're sat in the cinema for the obligatory 30 minutes' worth of adverts/trailers. Getting pretty pumped to see The Batman at this point.
Around about 20 minutes into the film (absolutely glued to the screen), I notice that I'm starting to feel really itchy and my lips started to swell up and go numb (this has only happened once before and I've been to the GP to have tests done. All negative so far).
Another 5 minutes go by and I'm starting to struggle to breathe but fuck, it's Batman, I can push through this, right?.. Wrong!
5 minutes after that, I'm sat in the ambulance that my wife had called for me, on my way to A&E. After half the night in A&E, alone, they discharge me.
My wife picks me up. As I get home, her friend (who babysat for us) was still at our house comforting my wife. After the questions of concern and comments of relief, she asked how the first 30 minutes of The Batman was.... my answer?...
"It was so good, it took my breath away".
TL;DR. 30 minutes into The Batman I went into anaphylactic shock and found it extremely difficult to breathe. Once being discharged from the hospital I was asked how the for 30 minutes of The Batman was. I responded with "it was so good, it took my breath away".
I read the post from u/AndiPandi92 about how she woke her dad up every morning with a joke from this subreddit. It is a beautiful post as are the comments. It inspired me to do the same for my dad. I already see him once a week - he has had seven strokes, can hardly talk but has an enormous brain capacity - very sharp and an easy laugh. I have told him jokes for two days and both times he laughed so tears fell down his cheeks (my mom told me afterwards) and he say thank you afterwards. So thank you from me and my dad - you are all awesome ❤
The Air Force General says to the others, "I am proud to lead some of the bravest Airmen in the world. Watch this." He looks out the window and sees a passing Airman. "Hey, Airman!" he shouts, "see that shed? Inside is a nest of rattlesnakes. I want you to kill one for me!"
"Yes, sir!" the Airman shouts and runs off to get a long pole. Using the pole, he beats a rattlesnake to death and pulls it out. "See?" the Air Force General says, "bravery."
"Hah, that's nothing!" says the Marine General, "watch this. Hey, Marine!" he yells out the window at a passing Marine, "see that shed? Inside is a nest of rattlesnakes. Kill 2 of them for me!"
"Aye, sir!" yells the Marine and he charges in, grabbing 2 rattlesnakes and strangling them to death with his bare hands. "See?" the Marine General says, "bravery."
"Hah, that's nothing!" says the Army General, "watch this. Hey, Soldier!" he yells out the window at a passing Soldier, "see that shed? Inside is a nest of rattlesnakes. Kill 3 of them for me!"
"Fuck no, sir! I'm not doing that shit!" yells the Soldier. "See?" the Army General says, "bravery."
You can't make this up: trying to hang a mirror and shelves for my 2 year old's room. He's "helping". We pull out the studfinder to see where to drill. It took everything but i resisted the urge to make the obligatory dad joke about testing it on oneself, i figure he's too young to get the joke anyways. Studfinder is broken. O well, we look for it by tapping and we find the stud, and hang the mirror. My son continues to play with the studfinder the rest of the day. A few hours later, he comes up to me and starts rubbing it on my back. And the studfinder that was broken all day suddenly starts working.
Apparently it just needed calibrated.
As he left I exclaimed, "Man, this InvisibiliTEA is great!"
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.
He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.
"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.
"I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -
... keep reading on reddit ➡The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says “What’s the problem?”
Moth says “I don’t even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I’m too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I’ve gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we’ve ever had to face in this region. Isn’t it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn’t that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there’s my son. Doc, I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn’t such a coward, Doc, I know I’d be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I’d be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I’m judgemental yet I care about nothing. I’m bitter, hateful and afraid. I’m alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease.”
The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says “Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I’m a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why’d you come in here?”
The moth says,”Your light was on.”
His best friend, Roy, was known around town for having an adventurous streak that a small town just couldn't satisfy. Roy yearned to travel the world, to rub shoulders with the well-to-do, and to squeeze every drop of excitement he could out of life. While most young folk in town, my grandpa included, were resigned to their lot, Roy was driven by his dream. He worked incredibly hard, taking every hired-hand and handy-man job he could find. He would walk five miles each way to clean a gutter if there was a nickel to be made. His hometown was always spotless, because Roy would pick up every glass bottle he saw to get the deposit back, and every can he found would get turned in for recycling.
The years stretched on. Grandpa settled down with his high school sweetheart in a one-room cottage and had my dad, and not much else. Roy kept hurrying from one job to the next, never spending a dime on a date. Everyone would just roll their eyes and quietly gossip about how poor Roy's obsession was robbing him of a real life.
One day, Roy showed up at Grandpa's house, all decked out in a brand new khaki safari kit, complete with helmet, binoculars, and elephant gun, and announced that he had finally saved up enough for passage to Africa to go big game hunting. He was especially proud of the fine leather boots he was sporting. "Indestructable" he called them, totally impenetrable to water, wind, and snow. No trench-foot for him while he tracked rhinos on the savannah!
Grandpa congratulated Roy on his achievement and wished him bon voyage. Over the next three months, the town felt Roy's absence. Litter lay where it fell, gutters overflowed in heavy rain, small-time farmers rose that bit earlier and bedded that bit later to cover the work Roy used to help with. Of course, the gossipers just turned their chat from how Roy needed a dose of reality to how thoughtless it was of him to just up and leave. Most folks were convinced Roy was gone for good. After all, how could he come back from such a high-falutin' adventure to his tiny, no-account hometown?
But return Roy did, and everyone crowded around at the bar to hear his account of his safari. To their surprise, Roy told them that, for all the time he had been away, he only bagged one trophy that was currently on a slow boat back. It turned out, once Roy got a close-up look at the elephants, rhinos, giraffes, gazelles, and all the fine animals of the African savannah, he lost all heart for hunting. He just couldn't imagi
... keep reading on reddit ➡I know this topic has been done to death in here and I apologise to the mods for bringing it up again but recent "jokes" have made me question what the point of this sub is.
I'd like to not have a discussion about "should we let NSFW jokes here or not" instead I think it should be important to understand what everyone thinks their defenition of a dadjoke actually is.
Before I say my definition I want to make it clear that I whole heartedly enjoy good NSFW jokes and I'm a regular visitor to r/unclejokes.
My defenition: a good dadjoke is something that is usually based around a bad pun or clever word play that makes people around you groan or roll their eyes, similar to the types of jokes you find in Christmas crackers, they are so bad that they are good. The language involved can sometimes be a bit NSFW depending on the subject material but on the whole if you change things about a bit your can make it suitable for most ages. It is the type of joke where when you tell it everyone's first reaction is to complain how bad it is before then secretly uttering a chuckle themselves.
I want to know what everyone else's definition of a dadjoke is so that we can see what everyone thinks. The old "it's a dadjoke because I'm a dad and I'm telling a joke" I just don't think is an accurate enough description so trying to get a better one.
Thank you.
My wife and I went on a hike today. We ventured out to see a frozen waterfall, but the view from a distance I couldn’t see where the top of the waterfall. The wife went down for a closer look at took some pictures. She showed me them and I blatantly said, I see (icy).
The car dealer prepares it, and when the snail comes in for the car he asks “why the letter ‘S’ on the side?”
The snail replies “I want people to see me and say ‘Wow! Look at that S Car Go!’”
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
I was taking him out for his first driving lesson (I know, starting a little late at nine months, we've been busy lately). We came up to a stop sign and I said "Ok son, stop sign". Then he said "Dad, the sign is already stopped. You can clearly see it is secured to the ground by a post, there is no need for me to stop the sign from moving any more. Perhaps it is swaying from the wind outside, but that movement is negligible."
Kids, amiright!! Ha!
When he was really young, he was the best magician I’ve ever seen. People came to see this first grader do all sorts of magic. Cutting women in half, floating on air, turning roses into doves, the works.
But as he got older, he started to loose his touch. He couldn’t turn flowers into birds when he hit 8th grade. He stopped being able to float as a freshman. When he graduated, he could barely find a quarter in your ear.
I bumped into him one day after he came home from graduating college. He was working as an architect now. I asked him what happened to all that magic? How come he couldn’t keep it going?
He put his arm around me and said, “the way I see it, it was all tricks. And tricks are for kids”
My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!
When the baby mosquito got home, he was so excited
“Dad, dad, you were wrong, everyone was happy to see me, they were all clapping for me!”
and asks me if I need some help getting the creative juices flowing.
It's a common thing for him to say, so I only got it after he left. I don't think he even realized it himself. At this point I'm too afraid to ask.
New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.
OK, when my first kid became cognizant, about two years old, I would wait until I could see the street light was going to turn green, just blow at it, and it would turn green. I never said a word. I would just do it.
After doing this for about a year or so, my daughter caught on and could not figure out how I was doing this.
She finally asked me, "Daddy Magic", of course.
She is now 31, and she still blows at street lights.
That is the real Daddy Magic.
Me: if you look to your right you'll see some sandstone Everyone: taking pictures... Me: but lot if people take it for Granite Them: stares at me!
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