School Supply Puns

A ruler.

I left my three-ring binder at home.

The rulers

The ruler.

Snaples.

My wife rolled her eyes and tossed a 12 inch ruler in the cart.

We decided to go to the local dollar tree to get a few binders and notebooks

"We aren't supposed to go in the store, it's against our religion"

"Why's that?"

"It is idollartree"

My son broke his foot a couple days ago and we were out buying his school supplies and he looks at me and says,

Son: my foot is tired

Me: you should give it a break. 😁😁😁 but you already tried that.

Hi I need a good punchline for a donation drive poster. The drive is to collect items for needy school children. I'm at my wit's end, thanks for the help!

I used to work at a starbucks with my best bud to earn some extra cash after school. Every day an hour or so before closing without fail this older indian man would come in and order two large coffees.

We started to talk with the guy since there weren't many other people in the shop and he told us is name was Haind Sahit and that he was a night worker which is why he drank the coffee. After a while, we would just have the coffee ready for him as soon as he came in the door.

One evening my friend went out back to pick some supplies for refill and had to get something from the top shelf, being a short guy he grabbed an old ladder and started climbing but one of the steps broke and he fell and hit his head pretty hard.

He was rushed to the hospital and woke up a couple days later with no major damages but with a light case of amnesia.

Once he got back on his legs he started working at the starbucks again and as soon as Haind heard, he came back to see how my friend was and stepped up to the desk to greet him. Sadly my friend couldn't remember him at all and just asked what he would like to order. Haind turned around with a tear in his eyes and said "You know, you should really have checked that ladder before you used it".

There was a glimmer in my friends eye and he immediatly started preparing two large coffees. As Haind saw he started smiling and crying and came around the desk to give my friend a hug. He asked my friend "What happened, how did you remember?" and my friend answered "Haind Sahit is always venti venti".

Before every high school track meet, Dad would supply me with these two nuggets of wisdom:

"To run you must move your legs quickly" "The trick to winning a race is to get to the finish line before the other guy"

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

I work as a delivery driver for an industrial supply company, and today I was delivering some pylons to a client. I walked inside and found the nearest person to ask them for a verification signature for the delivery. I walked up to a man I recognized as the dad of one of my high school friends. He looked at me with a shit-eating grin and said "Where's the ice cream?" I looked at him, totally confused. "What?" I said. "Where's the ice cream?" he repeated. I stared at him with a blank look hoping he'd explain himself. Then he looked at the pylons I was delivering and said "Well, you brought the cones, so where's the ice cream?"

A dad's in front of me with his teenage daughter buying school supplies. Goes to tap to pay and notices a sign "VISA does not tap."

Imgur

Dad, loudly: "So, VISA does not tap, eh? VISA will salsa but it refuses to tap!"

Girl, obviously used to this: "Dad!"

Can still hear the dad as they leave, "Do you think VISA would do the merengue?"

Asked to take a photo of the sign and saw a knowing look on the teen clerk's face. I think he knew where this was going...