"All you're doing is listening to what I say to tell me I'm wrong!"

"Maybe you're right."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthSeatb3lt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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β€œI love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. β€œAll you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. β€œWhat did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

β€œYou herd me!"

πŸ‘︎ 781
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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A Scotsman visits his doctor. He pulls his kilt up and says doctor you have to help me I'm going crazy

The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrjaxson1111
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"

Such a random way to start a conversation.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrYellowfield
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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A man walks into a restaurant and orders a hamburger. Upon receiving the burger, the man says to the burger, β€œBurger, can you help me with my urinary tract infection?”.

β€œNo”, replies the burger, β€œbut I can tell you you’re going to need an umbrella later.”

β€œOh, sorry”, said the man, β€œI thought you were a meaty urologist”.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CMoy1980
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now" Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher.

No idea why the school hired him.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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A man bursts into his therapist's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"

The therapist looked up from his paperwork and said, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says "How do you spell 'penis'?". My wife looks at me curiously and then asks "Why?"

After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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I’m a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....”looks like you have the best job” he says, β€œwhy is that?” I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!

True dad that man!!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunny_2121
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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They say you can identify a tree by its bark, but this one has me stumped.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bladingbeckie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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I hate it when my wife says, "Are you listening to me?".

I'm not 'Listening To Me', I'm Dad!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perceptor555
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain β€œdon’t you give me that altitude!!”
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/njo71357
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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I was at a concert of which a Scandinavian woman was playing on stage, one of my friends turns to me and remarks β€œI wonder if she’s from Sweden” another friend says β€œmaybe Norway?” My final friend asks β€œdo you thinks she’s Finnish?”

I boastfully reply β€œI fucking hope not she’s only been on five minutes”

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Suggs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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My dad: You know what they say... A Mayan is a terrible thing to waste. Me: Who says that?

My dad: Not the Spanish!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brainsonastick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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My friend told me this: What did the pet frog say after you received an F on your test paper?

Rippit

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TimStaotic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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Do you want me to say my Van Gogh joke? You do? Alright then...

Ear goes.

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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Two Irishmen rob a grocery store of a pallet of exotic macadamia nuts to sell on the black market. They begin to argue about where to take the pallet when the passenger says "You're driving me nuts!" The driver replies..

YOUR NUTS?!?!?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/valonnyc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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Won’t let me cross post but I guess you can say this dog was *made in a lab*
πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chickenstr1p
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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DadProTip: When you back out of a parking space, be sure to say "Thiiiis takes me back" every time your kids are in the car.
πŸ‘︎ 186
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TimmyTesticles
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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Dad: (Smiling while filling out paperwork at the DMV) Son: Dad, why are you smiling? The DMV sucks! Dad: Let's just say your mom probably won't let me run errands anymore...
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hey_mcfly27
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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β€œI’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says to this guy. β€œYou’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” β€œOh, that’s terrible!” says the man. β€œGive it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?” β€œTen…” the doctor says slowly.

β€œNine... eight… seven...”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
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When people tell me about their favorite band or song artist and say "have you heard of this [song artist] before?" I reply:

"Ofc i heard about this musician, you just told me about them"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShyDemonKat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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Dracula told me to bow in his presence, you could say I was...

Down for the count

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrayAspen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
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Kid: Dad, let me be frank.... and if you say, β€œHi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be super pissed.

Dad: Gotcha, gonnabesuperpissed.

πŸ‘︎ 422
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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A pod of porpoises moved into the harbor near my town. So, me and my friends decided to go camping on the beach to check it out. We brought beer for us and some raw fish to feed the pod. Everybody had a great time. You could say it was a party

for all in tents and porpoises.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackFunk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
1 boy was named trouble and the other was called shutup. One day trouble got lost so shutup went to the police station and said β€˜I lost my brother’. The police said β€˜what is your name’ β€˜shutup’ the police said β€˜what did you say to me’ β€˜shutup’. The police said β€˜are you looking for trouble’ β€˜yep’
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meme-for-me
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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The one eye says to the other, "between me and you, something smells.."
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keenan316
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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Her: what took you long? Me: you dont say. I just had a chat with our son bout how he should be wearing a proper underwear instead of diapers,

It was just a brief discussion.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aplikante011
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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I know some of you might think you're hopeless romantics, but trust me, this says otherwise. [Spoiler]
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CJPsalm139
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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You could say he phOWNED me!
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DraconicDust
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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Whenever I encountered one of life's little traumas, my Dad would take me to one side and say "it could be worse - you could be submerged in water twenty foot down a dark shaft"

Bless him - He meant well

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scobberlotcherz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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I went into my favorite bar and asked for a Bud.The bartender, we'll call her Penny, say's you have to tell me who makes it first.Kinda stumped I said Anheiser Busch.She said "just fine,and hows your dick."
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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My wife left me because of my obsession with crosswords. I guess you could say I'm...

1 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Across

1 Severe and overwhelming shock or grief (10)

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
"This is the seventh time in three years that you are appearing in front of me," said the judge, "What do you have to say for yourself?" "But your honor," came the reply,

"It's surely not my fault that you haven't been promoted."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
If you were to ask me if I knew any jokes about sodium, do you know what I would say?

Na

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I was in my kitchen and my cousin went next to me as I was looking at the brownies, placed a fork and said fork u. + to add on to this as I was trying to take this photo the brightness wasn’t working properly so my dad’s girlfriend goes β€œguess you could say it’s forked”
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Weewoman11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: So would you say this is a cup...cake? Wife: Sighs and walks away

https://preview.redd.it/8ppw52plovi21.jpg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dca9d9190f206d5164191b6da515bbb67772c7ba

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Exekiel
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I was caught stealing the model spine from the chiropractor's office. He called me a theif, and I had never been so insulted in my life. I guess you could say I was taken aback.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlimeKillR
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."

The second doctor responds, "Suture self."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bruce_lees_ghost
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
So my son comes up to me the other day and says "Dad you know 2 things that never get old?"

Dark humor and anti-vax kids

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thidum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
The first one says β€œbro give me up please” just in case you don’t understand my handwriting
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/27aryaan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2018
🚨︎ report
My reddit bio says everything you need to know about me
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alex1nChains
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Does anyone else say, "Come in" when someone knocks on the bathroom door while you are on the toilet...not sure if that's a dad thing or just me...
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dwtxranger
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
The Grim Reaper went to collect a soul. Upon arriving he says to the unfortunate man: "Your time has come, prepare to leave the land of the living and follow me to the gates of heaven. Now come and don't hesitate, for I am unforgiving. Or else you will wander in the shadow realm for eternity!

Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"

"Yes you are"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sint__Maarten
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me β€œcan you give me a lift?”

I said β€œSure you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it!”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coleman_James
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report

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