No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
“I play a little guitar!"
Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic
But it was a false Salaam.
What did batman say to robin before they got into the bat mobile?
What does the electrician say when he meditates?
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe, damn it! Breathe!
If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.
No need to remind her every half hour.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
A woman suddenly in labor shouts, shouldn’t! wouldn’t! couldn’t! didn’t! can’t! The doctor says "don't worry."
“Those are just contractions.”
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
Just wanna say im a huge fan
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, ..."
"... and one for the road."
A Russian named Rudolph looked out of his window one day and told his wife not to go out without an umbrella. His wife asked ”What makes you say that”?
He replied ”Rudolph the red knows rain dear”.
I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.'
What do they want a medal?
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by René Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
What's a fish say when it hits a brick wall?
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other “Dang, I left my electrons in the car.” The other replies, “Are you sure?”
Grizzly bear walks into a bar. Says to the bartender "i'll have a whiskey..................on the rocks, please" bartender asks "whats with the big pause?"
Grizzly looks perplexed and replies "Ive had them all my life"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap, he says, hey Doc what's my problem?
The doctor says, I can clearly see your nuts.
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
What did one mountain say to the other after the earthquake?
My 3.5 year olds favourite joke: how do the oceans say hello to each other?
My neighbor says I’m trespassing. I’m unsure if I am or not.
I guess you could say it gave him some wood
What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?
What did the shoe say when he was the last one left alive?
“I guess I’m the sole survivor”
What did the sushi say to the bee?
What does one bread say to another?
Search for this subreddit on Google and the tagline says "the best Dad Jokes on reddit"
But I joke other places, too.
A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a rum..............and coke."
"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them"
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
A Girl takes a pregnancy test, mortified, she looks her boyfriend, dead in the eyes, and says...
They say practice healthy eating…
What did the hotdog say to it’s bun?
Ketchup! I’ve mustard all my strength to help you!
What did Poseidon say to his brother?
Wow, I can’t believe I didn’t know this sub existed. I gotta say, I am a HUGE FAN!
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says
You could say their drive is going swimmingly
well, you know what they say... when life gives you melons...
You’re probably dislexic.
What do you say when you are going to drunk dial someone?
Before you say yes to a proposal, there is one thing you have to consider
On one hand, you get a really nice ring, but on the other hand, you won't.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
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