Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
What did one boob say to another ?
If we don’t get support, they’ll think we’re nuts
One astronaut says to another “I can’t find any milk for my coffee”
The other astronaut replies “In space no one can, here use cream”
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
“I play a little guitar!"
What did the Indian kid say to his mother before he left the house?
My girlfriend says if we don’t get married soon, she’s gonna kill me.
...it’s a matter of wife or death.
A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”
The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."
What did the Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing he was gladiator.
What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Why do British people say they’re “bri’ish”?
What did the zero say to the eight?
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.
Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic
But it was a false Salaam.
A SQL query goes to a restaurant, walks up to 2 tables and says
All my hispanic friends love it when I say “mucho.”
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
What did the cowboy say when he went into the car showroom in Germany?
In the midst of a quarrel, the acute angle says to the obtuse angle ...
Let's meet in the middle and we can both be right.
What does the electrician say when he meditates?
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing
What did one ocean say to the other?
They didn’t say anything; they just waved.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
What’d that cab driver say to the guy getting in his car with a cheap hooker?
What did the Buffalo say to his son before he left for college
What did batman say to robin before they got into the bat mobile?
My buddy says beer makes you smarter....
But I dont think itll make my budweiser
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe, damn it! Breathe!
2 snowmen out in a field, one turns to the other and says...
What did the mushroom say when his girlfriend dumped him?
Come on, why babe? I’m a fungi
What did the chemist say when he dropped a bar of gold on his foot?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face...
The horse not being able to comprehend the language shits on the floor and leaves
What did the baby say when he saw his food in front of him?
Purée!!!
(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)
A cow and an ox fell into a pit of despair, the cow says "How long do you think we'll be down here?" The Ox says "Once you moove over"
What did the leftovers covered with aluminum say?
What did the beaver say to his wife on Valentine’s Day?
What did the tomato say to the person who was about to eat him?
I hate you from my head to-ma-toes.
If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.
No need to remind her every half hour.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
What did one saggy boob say to the other?
“We gotta start getting some support around here or people are gonna think we’re nuts”
What did the buffalo say when he dropped his kid off at school?
What did one spice say as the others were leaving?
Double pun : What did the pizza say to the paper?
My wife tested my knowledge of common household herbs, and I’m happy to say I got 4 out of 5 right.
What did Zero say to Eight?
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the utilities closet?
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