might burn your ass tomorrow.
In fact, all the trouble started because it was ajar.
He’s Jack in the box.
Don’t know? Ok I’d better post the letter myself...
For the Jambiance!
He says it’s impossible to make ends meet
Luckily, there was a box near the front door that said "for the sick".
Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...
Notices there's only 2;
Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!" Her: "What the hell does that mean?!" Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."
I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.
I kneeled down next to the coffin and whispered, “who is thinking outside the box now?”
They are 50 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...
It's at St. Michaels Church, at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress.
True story: My wife came home from her job today (substitute teaching) and announced that she had brownies for everyone. In her arm she had a box of store bought brownies. When the kids got the box they opened it up to find several letter e’s cut out on brown construction paper.
Technically a mom joke, but I thought it fits.
The box says 2 - 4 years.
I was surprised to find a Jack in the box
Because Ken always comes in other boxes
Seeing her box.
All they were throwing were high jabs.
Dad: Why would we want to go to a giant litter box to relax?
The box said Do Not Eat If Seal Is Broken.
He asks for a dozen bees to get him started. The shopkeeper counts out thirteen bees and puts them in a box for him. Being honest, the guy says there's one too many, but the shopkeeper points at one and says.....
That one's a freebee
So I was working inventory and I told my coworker:
"You know, I'm really offended by something"
"Oh no! What is it?", she replied
"I'm offended by the use of racial slurs in this company."
"Like what?"
"The C-word", I said as I pointed to a box of crackers. "Those are my people they're referring to!"
It made her chuckle a bit.
and it may be my crowning achievement.
We did a delayed Christmas at the in-laws a few weekends back (COVID happened) and my FIL is the kind of jokester that does things like wrap one boot in one present for his wife and the other boot in another.
Mom-in-Law says, "look at him, stretching one gift into two...."
Father-in-law then opens a gift from her and it's a winter vest. Without missing a beat I say, "look who's stretching gifts now, where's the box with the sleeves!?"
I never post so I had to build karma before sharing but hopefully it was worth the wait!
Because they won't fit back in the box.
The Punchline!
While assembling a new shelf for the wife she instructed me. "Don't mess up the floor!" So I threw down the flatten box with authority and proclaimed, "Protecto Dafloor'um"
The eye rolls for her and the kids were priceless!
Seems like a great place for criminal records.
I pointed at a box of earplugs labelled "hearing protection"
I told him "those are ear condoms"
He said "What? What do you mean? Ear condoms?"
"You wear them so you don't get Hearing Aids"
I swear his brain imploded for five seconds until he got the joke
Then I leaned in close to his coffin and whispered:
Who's thinking outside the box now Gary?
GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL.....
MUHAMMAD ALI D.V.D'S......
(both boxed.)Enamel box.
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
So today we had lost the lid for my son’s toy box and she started singing ‘If I were a lid where would I be, if I were a lid today. if I were a lid where would I be…’
And without missing a beat I replied ‘Well I’m sure you’d be on it, honey.’
They said it would make a great stocking stuffer.
So anyway, I got to thinking that if I had to choose between this and a box of Christmas incense I would keep the leg for self defense. Because the femur of the season is more deadly than the myrrh.
My almost 10 year old LOVES dad jokes but I’m staring to come up short on new ones. I call them “lunch box jokes” bc I sneak them into his lunchbox before school.
Please spam me with your best dad jokes he will understand 😂
TIA Love mom.
So I asked my boxing instructor to explain it further.
There should be a version of boxing where the ring is divided into sections. Once you cross a certain line, you can only hit your opponent. That's the punchline.
Oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought it's time for me to be a good Samaritan so I pulled over and retrieved it. Curious I made the mistake of opening it….there was a human toe packed a bag on ice 😱😱😱.
After getting over my 🤢🤮🤢 I thought someone probably really needs this, so I called the hospital and told them what I saw, they said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box!'. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?
The lady replied...
"No, we'll just send a toe truck......."
A group of bar regulars walk into a bar for their annual day-after-Christmas gift exchange. As they are opening their gifts, one completely bald man opens his box to discover a lovely comb. "Ah, thanks guys," the bald man says. "I'll never part with this."
40 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them it was going to be on the same day as his wedding - probably because of the extra game this year. If you’re interested, he’s looking for someone to take his place...It's at Sacred Heart Catholic church in Los Angeles at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be in the white dress.
Seeing her box.
