Any retail/coffee clerk: how are you today sir?
Dad: Like a fart in a space suit, Like a fire hydrant at a dog parade, Can I get back to you on that?, Like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest
There is more I just can't remember them all. So embarrassing.
http://imgur.com/QCGqz1k
"Puzzle with a nose in it" or "I dunno, the label fell off"
For whenever I end up mentioning that my (currently pregnant) wife and I just had a baby:
"We just had a baby. Well, my wife did most of the work; I just had a small part in it."
concerned look
"Average part..."
embarrassed/lying look
"...above...average."
Your fingers. You can always count on them.
"Drink Responsibly."
Mine is normally"You just did?" But I occasionally use "I don't know, can you?*
i became completely see through - i am a transparent now!
Daddy, your kids' daddy is funny.
oof!
“Namaste Om”
Wife: is the book you were reading a paperback or hardcover?
Daughter: it's a paperback, AND a paper front
“I don’t think your ready for this jelly.”
"I washed the dishes with hot water under my wife's close supervision."
Raisons. Lots and lots of raisons
Why was the Headless Horseman never invited to business parties?
🎃 Because he couldn’t get a-head in life.
What did the eye say to the other eye?
👀 Eye see you.
Why didn’t the right-handed man ask the other man if he was alright?
👈🏻 The other man was left-handed.
Why is the letter U upset about televison?
📺 Because U isn’t included in it.
How come the letter Y hates asking questions?
❓The response is always, “Y, you ask?”
Why did the horse become a comedian?
🐴 He was very fun-neigh.
Why did Mrs. Banana leave Mr. Banana?
🍌 They had a split.
What do you get when you cross a doctor and a lemon?
🍋 Lemon-aid.
Why do the spices argue a lot?
🧂 Because they’re salty.
Why did the noodle have to go to bed?
🍝 It was pasta-his bed time.
What did Mr. Volcano say to Mrs. Volcano?
🌋 I lava you.
Why do the gardening tools hate Stacy?
🪴 Stacy’s a hoe.
Why are you beautiful?
💕Because “Be you” is in the word itself.
The last one is more heartwarming than funny, but I thought it’d be included.
It was relieved.
I think this is original?
If approved by the FDA, it will greatly enhance heard immunity.
I only asked her if she needed a hand.
Baking soda.
Edit: Thanks reddit (just my second post). Kids are a tough crowd, so I'm not used to this kind of response to a joke. I tip my chef's hat and raise a glass (of baking soda) to you all.
Well, it’s black and white.
We’re sitting here watching a documentary about nabisco and their competitor. At the end she asked if the competitor was still in business. My response “I don’t know, I doubt it. To which she replied, “ I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles
I married the right one
No whey
"Hey! Who we playing tonight?"
To wit: to woo.
The... BooBees
It’s 90 degrees there
We were sitting in the kitchen and I reached for the beer in the fridge. His response was instant
- Did you forget to take your Pils today, dad?
Never been so proud
Come on, it’s Ferda Boyce
The interviewer wants to ask the interviewee a final question before deciding on whether to hire him or not. “why is there a 4 year gap on your resume?” She asks. The interviewee replies “Oh yes, I was in Yale”. Happy with the response, the interviewer says “you’re hired”. The interviewee thanks her and calls his wife immediately and says “Honey! I got the yob!!!”
They give us Nickelback
20,000lb of frozen bread so clearly I'm loafing along and a gluten for punishment.
Bad puns are the yeast of my problems. This load takes me to the upper crust, but if I don't get it in on time I'm toast!
Sorry about my rye sense of humor...
I'd rather dye.
I like to say I'm stalling
“Honey, can you hear me!?” She turned around and shouted, “For the third time, yes I can hear you!”
Her sister was talking about a Victorian ball that they have every year in our city but it was like $200 to go, and I said that I already spent all my money on tennis. My girlfriend's response:
"Then why don't you have a tennis ball?"
I think she is the one. 😍
