I lost my drink in Scotland
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︎ Nov 01 2021
An American walks into a bakery in Scotland and asks, βis that bread or a meringue?β
The Scottish guy replies βno, yer absolutely rightβ
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︎ Sep 20 2021
What do you call a male renaissance artist with a bowl of jelly
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︎ Oct 06 2021
We were at the Renaissance Festival...
And my daughter asked me why all those people were dancing with ribbons around a pole.
"They're making syrup.". I told her.
She didn't believe me... "Really?! Syrup?!"
"Yep... May Pole Syrup."
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︎ Aug 16 2021
I made a spreadsheet of all the grassy plains in Scotland, but lost it when my computer crashed.
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︎ Jun 19 2021
What do you call quesadillas you eat in the morning?
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︎ Jan 14 2022
I thought I could make a decent living taking photos of the jousting spears that the Renaissance Fair was handing out
Turns out being a free lance photographer isnβt all itβs cracked up to be.
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︎ Jun 04 2021
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in your frying pan?
You take away their little brooms
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︎ Jan 09 2022
Whatβs the name of the sheep who liberated Scotland?
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︎ Sep 13 2021
In scotland we name all our road gritters pun based names
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︎ Feb 08 2021
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hot tub?
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︎ Jan 05 2022
A little boy came running up to me and said, "Please help, my dad is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!" He replied, "I don't know."
"That's what they're fighting about."
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︎ Jan 07 2022
Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii?
Because the audience only responds in a low ha
π︎ 6k
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︎ Jan 12 2022
I asked my daughter, "If thereβs a bee in my hand, whatβs in my eye?" Rolling her eyes, she said, "I give up. What?"
"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"
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︎ Jan 06 2022
This just in from my daughter: What do you live in if you live in Antarctica?
Ice-olation.
She's only eleven and says she came up with that by herself. I'm so proud πππ
π︎ 6k
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︎ Jan 08 2022
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, βHa! Thatβs not going to help!β I replied, βSure, it does.β
βItβs the only way I can see the numbers.β
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︎ Dec 22 2021
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
π︎ 5k
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︎ Jan 03 2022
My son was born yesterday and is in the NICU. [META]
What are your best dad jokes? Whoever tells me the funniest one will have the honor of knowing their dad joke was my first as a dad.
Edit: there are two winners.
The first is one I told to my wife. It is about him being born with 4 kidneys but two of them will become adult knees. Thank you u/cabbithunt
The second I told me son. "There are two fish in a tank. One fish looks at the other and says 'I'll drive you man the guns.'" Thank you u/kiabe1
Edit 2: After two weeks in the NICU, we have convinced the doctors to let us upgraded to the wireless home version. Thank you all for your well wishes and jokes.
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︎ Dec 09 2021
Well in that case
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︎ Jan 06 2022
Shouldn't a Hershey bar with nuts in it . . .
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︎ Dec 20 2021
How do you measure the magnitude of the pun in a dad joke?
With a sighsmograph
Edit: Wow, you guys, Thank-you the the awards and upvotes. If only my family appreciated this joke as much as you do!
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︎ Jan 03 2022
What do you call a cop in bed? (Lord help me)
π︎ 7k
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︎ Dec 08 2021
Why do teachers fart in class?
Because they arenβt private tutors.
One of my students shared that with me yesterday and it made me smile because I had just crop dusted the back of the room.
Itβs my cake day. Be nice.
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︎ Dec 23 2021
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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︎ Dec 04 2021
What does the βA&Wβ in A&W Restaurant stand for?
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︎ Jan 07 2022
What's the least spoken language in the world?
π︎ 3k
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︎ Dec 20 2021
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years, but they're having a really hard time...
...putting their case together.
π︎ 3k
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︎ Dec 30 2021
In Egypt, they have discovered a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
They think it may be Pharaoh Rocher.
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jan 02 2022
I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."
Then I said: "Turn left here."
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︎ Jan 05 2022
What is made of cheese and found in Scotland?
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︎ Dec 28 2020
I was working in a factory making plastic Draculas for Halloween.
There was only 2 of us on the production line so I had to make every second count
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︎ Jan 14 2022
I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible.
Because I am an eighth-theist.
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︎ Jan 13 2022
What do you call a policeman in his bed?
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︎ Jan 02 2022
So I hired this dude to count people in the Bible for me. How many Noah's are there. How many Moseses. That sort of thing. Well, today, he stopped about halfway through. I'm sad to say that I had to let him go.
I mean, he only had one Job.
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︎ Dec 08 2021
When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos.
She just wants a shoulder to crayon.
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︎ Dec 12 2021
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.
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︎ Dec 04 2021
Thinking of holidaying in the highlands of Scotland?
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︎ Jan 13 2021
I posted this in a different sub and was told people here would enjoy it
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︎ Jan 01 2022
Iβm finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January.
Itβs my new years resolution.
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︎ Dec 24 2021
I can sum up 2021 in one word
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︎ Dec 21 2021
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her new Christmas present teddy bear, when she asked, βDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?β In my best bear voice, I replied...
βNo thanks, Iβm stuffed!"
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︎ Dec 26 2021
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 1080p?
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︎ Jan 06 2022
What starts with E, ends with E, but has only one letter in it?
π︎ 8k
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︎ Nov 03 2021
My biggest talent is always being able to tell what's in a wrapped present.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Jan 04 2022
There's only one thing girls want. It starts with a P and ends in an S.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Nov 14 2021
My deaf wife kept talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eyes out!
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︎ Dec 21 2021
I accidentally put corn starch in my novel..
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︎ Jan 13 2022
How was Rome split in two?
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︎ Jan 04 2022
An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, βI hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.β
βDad, what are you talking about?β the son screams.
βWe canβt stand the sight of each other any longer,β the father says. βWeβre sick of each other and Iβm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.β
The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. βLike heck theyβre getting divorced!βshe shouts, βIβll take care of this!β
She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, βYou are NOT getting divorced. Donβt do a single thing until I get there. Iβm calling my brother back, and weβll both be there tomorrow. Until then, donβt do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?β and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. βSorted! Theyβre coming for Christmas β and theyβre paying their own way"
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︎ Nov 22 2021
How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in your pan?
You take away their little brooms.
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︎ Jan 12 2022
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