I was really moved when I realized my mother let me win at cards.
It meant a great deal to me.
These puns are really screwing me up.
My wife is really mad at me for throwing a snowball at my son.
On top of it, I’m banned permanently from the maternity ward.
Last month my doctor told me, "Bob, this is seriously urgent. You really have to start drinking less vodka."
I've been out to at least 40 different bars since then, but no one seems to carry that brand. Anyone know where to find it?
My dad once told me he had really good genes.
“I thought they only had two pockets,” I said.
My time in the Boy Scouts really made me a supporter of gay marriage
It’s where I learned you can tie the knot in different ways
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
COVID has me feeling really disturbed.
I am not Down with the Sickness
I found a cool rock in my father-in-law's yard. FIL- Oh that's a native American fertility stone. Me- Really! How can you tell? FIL- ....
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”
You know what really blows me away?
One time my friends really wanted me to join them for a fishing excursion. I didn't want to at first but eventually joined them...
I am afraid that I succumbed to pier pressure.
There was a fly buzzing around that was really annoying me
I should have called the cops so they could send in the swat team!
I was really excited when my wife bought me a book for my birthday called “69 Mating Positions”.
Turns out it’s about Chess strategies.
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
My daughter told me she was really cold today
I told her to stand in the corner because it's 90 degrees
school has really reminded me of english classes and writing a bunch of these
I asked the chef for butter for my naan and he gave me regular old butter. I went back and said, "hey, I may not look Indian, but I really wanted ghee." He told me rather rudely, "Well, next time you should clarify that."
I told him, "well, this time, you should."
Had a really tough day today. I figured you would appreciate that my wife suggested I peruse r/dad jokes while she drew me a relaxing bath.
I asked her if it was going to be full color or just a sketch.
There's not just leap years. A leap second is a one-second adjustment that is occasionally applied to Coordinated Universal Time (UTC)! Without it, GPS wouldn't work! Want me to really blow your mind?
Getting glasses has really taught me a lot
I’m seeing things so clearly now.
My wife told me that my quarantine beard is really growing on her.
What do you know, it's growing on me too.
My son walked into the living room only to find me looking around all misty eyed. Reluctantly, he asked, "What's up pop?" I blubbered, "My boy, I really love our furniture..."
"Me and my recliner go way back."
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning. I was starting to get really pissed off, and then I realized why...
I left my phone in Airplane mode
As a spanish speaking dude I really appreciate when people approach me and say "mucho".
It really annoys me when people say that age is just a number
My circumcision was really hard on me...
I couldn't walk for a year afterward.
My wife volunteers as a crossing guard, but gets really mad at me when I tell everyone about it.
I say, “She’s into human trafficking.”
The other day a friend of mine told me a really bad gravity joke.
I still fell for it though
My coffee maker said some really horrible things about me while it was brewing my coffee.
That’s the last time I have a dark roast.
Someone said something really mean to me...
...so, out of revenge, I stole a barrier from their yard.
I guess you can say that I took a fence.
I've been really struggling lately and nothing seems to be going right so my friend directed me to www.conjunctivitis.com.
It was a site for sore eyes
My wife got really mad at me when I told her that someone from the Jamaican Spice place was looking for her.
I said, “The jerk store called for you.”
This dude got really pissed at me for drawing a gun on him today
He said he's seen better and asked me to draw it again.
I ran into two hippies today, and they both seem really mad at me.
Apparently the correct term is “conjoined twins”.
My credit card company must be really proud of me
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
This story was really sKAREN me
People used to describe my father as a real “Man’s Man” the type to get all the men talking at the party. However he never really spoke to me,
I guess to me he was more of a “Mime’s Man”.
When my wife and I got married, we were really poor but she stood by me during those times.
She had to. We only had one chair.
Yenn: Do you really care about me Geralt?
Geralt: I Kaer Morhen you'll ever know.
When my uncle died, he left me an apartment building he owned, but I was really nervous about taking it.
My friend is really mad at me because I have no sense of direction
So I grabbed my backpack and right
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, "NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" and I said, "That's Superman..."
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My bank is really proud of me
According to them, I have an outstanding balance
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
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