Because they're all not 'C's.
I have zero K ($) to my name
I told him they were the letters of recommendation.
Happy No L!
Wild Bill Hickock
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
So I went to the eye doctor today she was blind in one eye Oh, the eyerony!
They responded, “Maybe I did, but you asked how I spell it.”
Shoutout to u/TomrummetsKald for the original post that gained so much traction. This is my take on that joke if it was told by the late, great Norm MacDonald. Feel free to read in a voice that reminds you of moths or professors of logic.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The nurse says to the rabbit, “Oh, what makes you want to give blood today, rabbit?” And the rabbit begins to explain.
“Oh, nurse, it was such a long journey to get here. You see, I was very sickly as a child. I had a rare anemia of the blood that has been passed down through my family across the generations. There was little that the doctors could do. But then, one day, my older brother died in a horrible, fiery crash, and I was too weak to give him the blood that could have saved his life.
“I became terribly distraught and sought out the counsel of our family priest, who told me the best way to get over my guilt and my shame was to become strong and physically conditioned so that one day even I, with my rare anemia of the blood, could give the blood that could not save my brother, but could save other rabbits.
“So with the priest by my side, I trained for years, until one day a doctor cleared me to safely give blood. I was so proud, and I knew my brother would not die in vain.
“But when I arrived at the blood bank, to my *shock* and *horror,* I remembered my other brother who died of a heroin overdose, and it awakened in me a deep-seated phobia of needles!
“Fortunately, our family priest knew of a minister who specialized in helping rabbits overcome deep-seated phobias. (There’s an obscure seminary in Wyoming that teaches the craft.) It was another long and hard road, filled with many sleepless nights, but he helped me build my spirit as strong as my body, until one day I found that I was no longer afraid of needles!
“And so, I, a rabbit who has been through so much, invited the priest and the minister to accompany me to the blood bank today, to share in this great moment in which I am finally able to give blood in honor of my dear, deceased brothers.”
When the rabbit finished his story, the nurse was quite moved.
“My goodness, that is quite an inspirational story, rabbit. And how good it is that you, the priest and the minister, were able to accompany th
... keep reading on reddit ➡I saved this from r/dadjokes back in 2016, hopefully no one else has posted it recently! 🤣
A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;
Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;
And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;
So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;
There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;
Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;
When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;
He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";
His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;
His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;
His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;
But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;
For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;
I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;
And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;
Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";
I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;
And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"
R
E
D
D
I
T
I
S
A
N
O
K
A
Y
W
E
B
S
I
T
E
Boom, roasted!
(That means I treat them like they’re stupid)
Me: F-O-R T-H-E L-I-F-E O-F M-E
Daughter: confused look
... E deer, F deer, G deer, H deer, I deer, J deer, K deer, L deer, M deer, N deer, P deer, Q deer, R deer, S deer, T deer, U deer, V deer, W deer, X deer, Y deer and Z deer.
Wait.. did I miss one out? O deer
They're calling it an express-o.
- Thanks to sourceshrek for inspiring this joke with his own: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/qqf7i0/a_girl_i_once_dated_was_an_italian_pastry_chef/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
‘yes but just to prove you’ve been paying attention I’d like you to recite the alphabet first’
So with his best effort the boy replies ‘A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z’
The teacher says ‘very good but what happened to the P?’
‘Well this took so long it’s running down my leg’
O I C U R M T
S O M E v i e w s are r e f r a C T E D, but I'm fully transparent.
She said, "Spelling?"
I said, "O...R...T...H...O..."
>!y!< >!o!< >!u!< >!m!< >!a!< >!k!< >!e!< >!t!< >!h!< >!e!< >!m!< >!c!< >!u!< >!r!< >!i!< >!o!< >!u!< >!s!<
(Not sure if this counts, but...)
At times it can be a battle trying to get my kids to brush their teeth, so have to try different ways to encourage them...
For my 4 y/o daughter, I tell her it won't take long, as she's got small teeth...
For my 6 y/o son, I tell him it won't take as long as usual, as he's lost 6 of them...
...we use electric toothbrushes for both...😂
(Might be better in r/KidsAreFuckingStupid...😅)
O I C U R
Male friend of mine, [Elton], is bi, told me about a crush he had on a guy he'd met through wilderness backpacking (relevant), and how he doesn't think he has a chance. Having no other information and an IT guy's policy of checking the obvious things first, I asked the dumb questions, via text.
>Me: So you're sure he's into guys
>Elton: Y E S
>Me: Okay, okay, just getting that straight
>Elton: A N G E R Y
>Me: But yeah, given everything else you've told me, I think you've got a chance
Me: Presuming he also knows the lay of the land
Elton: N O
Elton: S T A H P
I don't know why he keeps coming to me for relationship advice.
Hostess: Hi, how many for you? Dad: 4 please Hostess: Okay, and can I get a name for that? Dad: George Granecki Hostess: Can you spell that for me please? Dad: G-E-O-R-G-E....
… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes
[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]
Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:
January:
-
Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes
-
Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes
-
An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes
February:
-
Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes
-
My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes
-
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes
March:
-
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes
-
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.
-
[When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da
Dad: f.o.r.t. Me: now say it twice Dad: fort fort Me: now say it three more times Dad: fort fort fort Me: now what do you eat soup with? Dad: (inserts the most Asian ass accent) “RICE” No joke the moment he said that I had to post on reddit.
I've been procrastinating all weekend... but it's finally time I post-it something, so here you go
Back when I was younger I needed to write an essay.
Me: Dad what is the computer password?
Dad: The password is in my control
Me: Okay cool but I need to write an essay
Dad: I told you it is my control
Me: Can you just come here and type it in then?
This went on for a few weeks until I watched him type in m-y-c-o-n-t-r-o-l
The password is still the same to this day.
I was Snapchatting with my s.o. and my dad asked me what it was about so when I explained it seemed interested. He downloaded it added me as a friend, or whatever Snapchat calls it, and this was the first picture I received.
My wife, 2 year old son, and I were traveling this past week and went through a drive thru for lunch. After finishing his meal, my son was trying to figure out what the bag said. Not being able to turn around and see what he is seeing, the following exchange took place.
Wife "Do you know what the letters are on the bag?"
Son "Yes!"
Wife " Tell me what the letters are"
Son "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z!"
Me "Was that his first dad joke?"
Wife "He is definitely your son" and rolled her eyes.
NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L...
No-el no-L
A B C
D E F G
H I J K M N
O P Q R S T U V
W X Y Z
No L, no L
No L, no L
I forgot where I heard this but I use it every year lol
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all my fellow redditors!
Why did A, B, C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y and Z all get sent to the principal's office?
Because they were naughty! (Not "E")
M R NOT O S A R C M WINGS L I B M R DUCKS
Student: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, phosphorus, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.
Teacher: How did you say phosphorus instead of L, M, N, O, and P?
Student: Because phosphorus is EL-EM-EN-TAL P.
I received A, B, C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z.
I'm missing the iron E.
Home A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z
No home o
