A list of puns related to "Q In Law"
I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans
Edit: there->their
Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!
Mother in law to sister in law: why aren't you in pennsylvania this week
Me: because she's here at the table with us
I took my mother-in-law to the airport
βMary, my wife, are you here with me?β βYes, I am, dearest.β
βAnd Louise, my mother in law, are you here with me?β βYes, I am, Paul, Iβm here with you.β
βAnd you, children, are you here, Karen and Henry?β βYes, yes we are, daddy!β βThen how the hell is the living room light left on?!β
I have a mother-in-law.
I said, "YOO! That's what's up!"
Only my father in law laughed.
Sometimes he would simply rename the brand. Sometimes he would name it a different product entirely. In a few horrific instances he repackaged it as food products. Eventually he was found, arrested, and brought to court. And though he admitted to doing all those things, he insisted that he had done nothing illegal and that moreover, his actions were protected by the law and the Constitution. His reasoning?
"I have the right to rename sealant!!!"
a sister becomes sister in law, a father becomes father in law, a mother becomes mother in law, a daughter and son becomes son and daughter in law, .
But, what does wife become?
Wife becomes the law.
"I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine!"
So now my in-laws are out-laws.
A father-in-law
Skin, because Jesus tied his ass to a tree and walked to Jerusalem.
(A mom joke! By my 88-year-old church-going mother-in-law.)
The rabbit says, "I think I'm type-o."
Technically it's a mom joke since my mother-in-law told me....but I still laughed a lot.
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
βWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that Iβd beat lung cancer...β
pauses for effect
β...I guess I let it go to my head.β
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...Iβll be making matching gifts to St. Judeβs or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another βincurableβ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didnβt end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I donβt trust them, theyβre always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!
I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.
I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me heβs guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. Iβm not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as Iβm usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.
A Father in law.
What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but Iβm 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, βConstipationβ? Well it doesnβt matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said βNo, doc, itβs dis knee.β
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donβt cause reactions, after all.
Whatβs the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why canβt you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donβt wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I canβt stop reading books with female protagonists! Iβm a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fight⦠21.
My friend told me, βPeople who sell meat are disgusting!β So I said, βYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!β
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bondβ¦ ionic bond. βTaken, not shared.β What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santaβs sleigh cost? $0, itβs on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
Iβm going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iβm outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatβs the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatβs just a blanket statem
... keep reading on reddit β‘At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.
One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.
The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.
The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.
In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.
A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.
The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.
After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.
The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."
Father-in-Law: And do people actually adhere to it? Me: No, cuz they put it sticky side down.
He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.
But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.
Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.
And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.
Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.
The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do
... keep reading on reddit β‘Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.
So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.
He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.
As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.
She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.
This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.
When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.
This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.
The two couldn't be happier!
They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.
One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.
She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.
She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.
A shallot, if you will.
A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.
They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.
The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.
Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.
Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.
He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.
One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.
The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.
She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to
... keep reading on reddit β‘Before our hike, my wife offered my sister-in-law some fruit. She said "no thanks, I had a pear on the way here."
Without skipping a beat, I said "you mean you came pre-peared?"
but we told him to go back to his womb.
(Credit to my father-in-law)
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
It's easy to tell who my in-laws are when they are Hmong my family
Happened tonight at a family event.
My brother in law needed to leave early to have dinner with his folks who are notorious for always having some kind of pork for dinner. The rest of the family started joking about if it would be ribs, pork chops, pork tenderloins, etc.
After they stop guessing I make the comment,
Boy all these jokes repeating just feels like Ground Hogs day...
Wife laughed, the in laws groaned. Not sure if I made friends or not π
Father-in-Law.
He says to the guy in front of him, βHey, what did you do in your life?β The guy says, βI was a bus driver. I was a bad person. I wasnβt nice to people, I stole, and I always broke the law.β The preacher says, βI was a preacher. I always went to church and gave the best and longest sermons. I always prayed and read the Bible.β Finally, itβs the bus driverβs turn to tell God about his life. A few minutes later, he walks into heaven. The preacher walks up to God. God says, βWhat kind of things did you do in your life?β βWell, I went to church and gave great sermons. Do I get to go to heaven?β βI donβt know,β says God. βWhat? How come that dumb bus driver got to go to heaven?β God says, βWhen you gave your sermons, everyone fell asleep. But every time the bus driver was driving, there was at least one person on the bus who was praying.β
With my fingers.
I got quite far, but heβs farther in law.
So the hardest part is it has to be uplifting/cute like all the other mothers day cards, can't just be a simple jail/robber pun.
So far I got:
You're ex-cell-ent mom!
I'd break into a maximom security prison for you!
Hope your mothers day is on point! (with a diagram of a shank)
^((But they're kind of trash))
Ideas from others:
Most people have a mother-in-law but I get to have a mother-outlaw! u/tcbst15
Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner are already spoken for, but Thanksgiving hasn't been discussed yet. Thanksgiving is usually at my father-in-law's, but my stepmother-in-law has previously hinted that she might not want to host anymore.
Wife: "I talked to [stepmother-in-law] today, and she didn't say 'boo' about Thanksgiving."
Me: "Did she say 'gobble gobble'?"
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
βWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that Iβd beat lung cancer...β
pauses for effect
β...I guess I let it go to my head.β
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...Iβll be making matching gifts to St. Judeβs or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another βincurableβ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
I said, I don't hate your relatives, in fact, I like your mother in law a lot more than I like mine
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
Mother in law
A father in law...
A father in law
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
He's my father in law
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
A father in law
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