Today I saw a snake build a web.

It was a python.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fbiweeb
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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What’s the difference between a Boa and a Python?

A Python doesn’t have feathers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/loonmaster2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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What do you call a snake that can program?

Python

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ALizardKing
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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The first computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple that barely had any memory. One byte, and everything crashed.

It probably ran on Python

Credit: u/FriendofHolySpirit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cubic-Zirconia
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
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Harry Potter was a programmer

He is fluent in Python

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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What do you call snake who switches careers from standup comedy to Canadian law enforcement?

Mountie Python

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Torley_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2018
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I have to go to the veterinarian soon...

Because these pythons are sick!!

*Flexes arms

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πŸ‘€︎ u/swaggerhound3000
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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What do you call a snake that's 3.14 meters long?

A python.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gcace
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2017
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Collection of dadness

I am not a dad at the moment, but I've learned the art of pretty clever puns in college. Some are mine, some are spins on inspirations, others are more on the joke side of dad.

What does a radioactive cat have?
18 half-lives

Ventriloquists are like psychiatrists, they both talk through things.

What is my vision?
To make the world 10% better?
No, it's about 20/20...

The invention of the shovel was truly a groundbreaking discovery.

Dad: I invested in some uranium, but I lost money.
Friend: What happened?
Dad: The Profit decayed.

We have received a report of a hole being discovered in the ground, our investigative team is looking into it.

There was an explosion at a local film manufacturing company, the story is still developing as we speak.

A local theater put together an act about jokes.
It was a play on words

SΓΈ, I hΓͺΓ‘rd yΓΆΕ« lΓ¬kΓ« fΓΆrΓ©igΓ± aΓ§Δ‡Δ“Ε„tΕ‘

As an airline mechanic would say, the job has lots of ups and downs.

My New Years resolution will probably be 25 megapixels, or 4K, not sure yet...

There was a river in Egypt no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Dad-Epitaph:
I thought I'd never live to see this day come.

There are two things that are guaranteed to open doors in life.
Push and Pull!

(How to keep an idiot in suspense)
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

A man builds robotic snakes for a living, I guess you could say he was a... python programmer!

A researcher's obsession with mixing stone, sand, lime, and water has yielded concrete results.

A madman once attacked a rider on his horse.
The rider had to goto hospital, the horse remains in stable condition.

A man bought a paper shop, it blew away in the wind last night.

Science is all about learning the rules, setting off an absurd amount of explosives, and then writing down what happened.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

Dad: Did you pick up your room?
Kid: No, I tried but it's too heavy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
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Dad and Peter the Python

context: My dad and I have a baby python named peter, and he's been striking at the glass of the cage when you walk near him.  

  me: Peter is such an asshole, just went to check on him and he went to bite me.  

  dad: Well, I called the vet today about him being mean, turns out he has a reptile-dysfunction.  

  me: GROANS

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImTomRS
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2015
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So this European comedy group is working on a movie with a bizarre plot - apparently a famous rock guitarist and drummer gains control of the weather and sends it haywire.

The movie is going to be called, Monty Python and the Grohly Hail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whosevelt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
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Dad joking your dad is like finding the Holy Grail

My dad, discovering his copy of Monty Python and the Holy Grail in a completely obscure place:

Him: holds up box wow, that would have been hard to find when I wanted to watch it.

Me: yeah, it would have been like trying to find the Holy Grail!

Him: speechless eyeroll

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πŸ‘€︎ u/saints_chyc
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2016
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First death from Everglades pythons

An intern from the University of Prague was studying the breeding habits of Burmese pythons in the Everglades. Park Rangers were notified when he didn't report in at the end of the day. They managed to capture the pair he was studying.

The necropsy on the female python only found a fawn, several rodents, and a couple of turtle.

When they cut open her mate it was a different story. Sure enough, the Czech was in the male.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flaspike
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2015
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Do you know why the Spanish inquisition was so inhuman?

Because no one inspects the Spanish inquisition

 

(For those who don't Monty Python, explaination

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πŸ‘€︎ u/live4lifelegit
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2016
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Got my mom last month

Last month, I bought a book of skits from a store. I was reading a few of the skits out loud, and my mom mentioned Who's On First. My brother didn't believe it was 70 years old. Mom then said that there was a section of a Greek comedy that was very similar to Monty Python's Parrot Sketch, only with a dead slave instead of a dead parrot.

Me: "Monty Python resurrected that joke far more effectively than that guy wishes he could've resurrected the parrot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RotWS
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2015
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Dad joked my friend whose a programmer

If you program in Python, does that mean you're a parseltongue?

It got a good groan in a three cubicle radius.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
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