I stole a dolphin, a porpoise, and a beluga whale. But there’s no law against that.

The police could only give me a cetacean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2021
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They killed the colourful whale on porpoise!

Oh the hue-manatee!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExactlyOneNinja
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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Whale played.
πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shampoo_and_dick
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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Must be pretty whalethy
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sweaty_Bollocks
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
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I had an amazing chat with a dolphin earlier who I had just met.

We just clicked.

I am sorry. So, so sorry...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkBlueMullet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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I once caught a fish with a hundred dollar bill in its mouth.

I know this story may sound a little fishy, some of you may even consider it a whale of a tale, but if you take it in tide I’m sure you’ll sea the porpoise isn’t me just beingkoi or * squidding* around or fishing for attention; it was shrimply an act of cod that I’m hooked on sharing with others. If it reely makes anyone crabby or puts me on thin ice, just let minnow and I’ll gladly clam up. I’d hate to see this sub flounder or take a dive because of my own shellfish ambitions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MC_Minnow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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A play on words

Play on words: Sexually frustrated sea mammals

     I'm Russ Whale. My wife Bayleen a few months ago gave birth to our first calf, Humphrey. I convinced my mother-in-law to whale watch tonight. It's been far too long. I drop off Humphrey and head home to hook up with the wife. 

I arrive and who do I sealion there? The wife. I'm undeterred. I try my patented move, the Humpback. I get a slight groan.

Bayleen: Rus, Are you poking me in the back again?

Rus: It's on porpoise. We're alone for the first time in forever.

Bayleen: I'm so tired, I haven't got any sleep with Humphrey making me into a nurse shark. Plus you smell like ambergris.

Rus: Hamburgers?

Bayleen: Yes, hamburgers. Please go take a shower or something.

Rus: Ok.

Rus takes a quick shower and returns. Bayleen is asleep again. Rus tries the humpback maneuver again. Nothing.

Rus: Sometimes... I wish I was a sperm whale.

Rus is slightly blubbering and and all you can make outs is odd noises and maybe the word 'blowhole'. Rus cries himself to sleep.

Fin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2016
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my ex-girlfriend's grandfather's funeral

I was at my ex-girlfriend's grandfather's funeral just kind of standing on the side of the room. her sister's husband walked over to me and introduced me to his father. I noticed that his tie had whales and dolphins on it and he said it was his favorite tie. I learned over to my ex and said "at least he wears that tie with a porpoise."

(needless to say, she didn't speak to me for a while)

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clarkolas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
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Dad joked a fishy customer and got dad joked in return.

I work in sales and a man with the last name 'Salmon' ordered some goods from us, his Credit Card payment wasn't passing our credit rating. He asked me for some help and I said 'I dolphinately haven't seen anything this fishy in a whale'

He chuckled to himself and asked me 'Did you just make a fish pun on porpoise?'

Who know there were so many dad's out there!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HarryGoLocky
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2014
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Whale watching...

So mom and dad have my wife and my kid along with my sister's kid out whale watching and sent us a photo of orcas they saw. This followed...

Me: killer view!
Siss: killer view!
Me: are you thinking the same as me OR CAn you not think of anything unique and are copying me on porpoise
Me: I mean I’m having a whale of a time
Me: Did you FINish?
Me: Does your boat have a motor anD/OR SAIL?
Mom (probably dad's joke tho): You are on a roll
Me: Not sure I have many lines left actually
Me: Actually I’m beginning to waver on that statement
Me: Though it seems siss has bowed out of the conversation.
Me: Maybe she’ll come up with something after I’m done
Me: have you guys SEAn (sic) anything other than orcas?
Mom: Humpback
Me: good day for that!
Wife: Very cool!
Me: Definitely looks chilly
Wife: 20 texts... Wow
Me: Definitely an imPORTant thread to watch
Me: like how i cap-size my text to make the joke obvious?
Me: siss’ silence is fishy tho
Mom: You definitely LANDed them
Me: They just come to me and I let em sail
Me: To admit some are a bit ridockulous
Me: Which can make them tough to catch
Me: but I’ll keep tossing them out there anyway for the few that land
Me: I think we lost the point of the conversation though
Me: Let's coral it back
Me: I'm being far too shellfish by uslurping it like this
Me: But Siss did have the gull to keep repeating me
Me: Buoy that one was bad

edit: formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gabeanzelini
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2015
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