I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games...

I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2017
🚨︎ report
I tried playing poker for the first time this weekend...

It turns out I’m not suited for it

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/masterj2378
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter and I were playing on the beach today when I picked up her small bucket and stared at it for a long time. Puzzled, she asked, "Daddy, what're you doing!!?" Sounding concerned, I said, "Your bucket is sick!"

Surprised, she asked, "How do you know?"

I replied, "Well, it's a little pail!"

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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Why do Australians have such a hard time playing chess?

They can't tell the difference between "Checkmate" and "Check, mate".

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Protoss_Pylon
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Every time I watch a Jennifer Anniston movie, it seems like she’s playing the same person.

She is a victim of Rachel profiling.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
🚨︎ report
My kids and I have been playing the game Battleship. Sometimes it seems like they love it. Other times I think they hate it

It has really been hit or miss

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandoRobot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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The giant Dumbo ad playing at Times Square on new year's eve said "Happy New Year"...

It should have said "Happy New Ear" instead.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NewWhirledOrder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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My boyfriend and I have been playing this game for a while now and it makes us laugh every time. Here are some of my faves so far. Feel free to add your own!

What kind of underwear does Zeus wear?

..............Thunderwear!

What kind of underwear does a pirate wear?

.............plunderwear!

What kind of underwear does the NRA wear?

...............gunderwear!

What kind of underwear does a tyrannical leader wear?

............Attila the Hunderwear!

What kind of underwear does a Spanish person wear?

...............Juanderwear?

can you think of some more? :)

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdayle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2013
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I play Chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said " let's make this interesting "...

..so we stopped and went home.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...

"...mountains peak!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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A character you can’t play in a game was sliced with a sword multiple times.

It left them in pieces.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anxieturt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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What do you call it when a teacher watches his class as they take a test and plays online poker at the same time?

Proctor & Gamble

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weird_al_yankee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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Got a new tattoo

My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bosozokulove
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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After all this home schooling, my kid finally lost control
πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrettyPeeved
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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I have a friend and every time I make a play on words he always makes a better one

Total pun-upper

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yourmomophobe
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Great joke, albeit a bit long winded.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phrresehelp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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Ahh yes... Frants
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyaad_Yoda
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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When's the best time to play tennis?

Ten is

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheJenkinsComic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I broke my hand last week, at the hospital thinking it was permanently damaged, I asked the Doctor if I’d be able to play guitar. He replied β€œYes, after you’ve taken time to heal”

I was ecstatic, I’ve always wanted to know how to play.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reptarticle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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Pre- means before. Post- means after. To use both prefixes together,

...would be preposterous

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amar610
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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TIFU by mixing up my coworkers' sandwich orders and not giving them what they requested.

Sorry, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dinner_cat96
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Every time the Indianapolis NFL team starts an offensive play, the temperature drops

Because there's a Colt snap!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Suprcheese
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me he said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".

He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"

πŸ‘︎ 28k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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I just had two colleagues play "Bicycle Race" by Queen at the same time.

I told them it was nice to hear them working in tandem with each other.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/odd_gamer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m trying to cut down my fortnite play time as I think I’m gaining an addiction

I tend to play it every couple of weeks now.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lsharpe23
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Voldemort's parents played boop got your nose! one to many times
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Axe2004
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iFunny_15_T0x1c
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the time the Candles played the Breaths?

It was a blowout!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ServalSpots
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Tom Scott Joke: What do you call a timer set for when the title track of Europe's 1985 album will be played for the last time?

Its the final Final Countdown countdown.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Icecreep109
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
🚨︎ report
The times I've played with boobs...

...are some of my fondest mammaries.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KyleMistry
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2013
🚨︎ report
Did I ever tell you about the time I played chess with the Canadian Prime Minister?

It's a great a great story, it's not Trudeau.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greenman42
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I'd never let my children watch the orchestra

There's too much sax and violins

Edit: Thank you so much for the gold and silver

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theDwarfed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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To the guy who stole my antidepressants...

I hope you're happy now

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlwaysFearMe007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
my dad surprised me with this clever play on words, took me a minute to get at the time

just got home from the first day of school (i was in debate class at school)--

dad: how was school?

me: it was good, but a few of my friends dropped debate class

dad: dropped debate? what are they, fishermen?

πŸ‘︎ 279
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πŸ‘€︎ u/funkbf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
🚨︎ report
My wife: "I don't think the kids should play in the woods anymore. There might be chiggers this time of year."

Me: "Honey, please. It's 2017. I think they prefer the term 'cheegroes'."

Eyes were rolled, sighs were sighed. Dadjoke achievement unlocked.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Idontlikejokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Every time I used to play Halo with my dad as a kid...

Dad: How do I change my gun again?

Me: Y.

Dad: Because I'm almost of out ammo with this one!

He'd get a kick out of it every time and I'd fall for it every time.

πŸ‘︎ 330
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CogBlocker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2014
🚨︎ report
13 of my BEST Jokes

I used to be addicted to soap but ... I am clean now.

I am addicted to brake fluid but ... I can stop anytime.

If you are attacked by a group of clowns ... go for the juggler.

I just moved and IMMEDIATELY after we move in he starts banging on my door every night yelling at me ... coincidentally I just happen to be playing my drums those nights so I could easily tune him out.

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness ... It came right out of the purple.

I failed math so many times at school ... I can’t even count.

Once i threw a boomerang, it never came back, ... Now I live in CONSTANT fear

When life gives you melons ... you might be dyslexic.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline ... She hit the ceiling!

There are 3 types of people in this world, those who can count ... and those who can't

They say three out of five people suffer from diarrhea ... so ... does that mean two out of five enjoy it?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toydles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
While people are talking about the presidential election, I don't talk immediately, because...

I'm Biden my time, until I can play my Trump card.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dawsonju
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I really don’t know if I like the board game battleship. Sometimes I love playing it, other times I loathe it.

Honestly it’s hit or miss.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NC0828
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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