But I keep re-PEA-ting existing ones
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
So I asked her out on a date for the weekend but to let me know by Friday if she had to can salami.
(Cancel on me)
It sounds terrible at first but after a while it starts to grow on you.
It was groan free.
Yes. How else do we get No. 2 pencils?
Because they don't meet the koalafications.
Not quite as tragic, but it manifested into something which has haunted me at my job for years.
When I was a little kid learning about the world around me, my dad was naturally the font of all knowledge for me, He would answer all of little snippersmith's questions with his own unique insights and anecdotes teaching me of my surroundings with varying degrees of accuracy.
One day In a picture book, I encountered a photo of one of natures most bizarre creatures, the mighty duck billed platypus. Filled with curiosity of this bizarre creature and an Inability to read a young snippersmith asked his father what this creature was called, To which his father replied,
That's a Quackopotamous.....
As is a highly likely situation in day to day life the Platypus (or indeed the Quackopotamous), did not come into conversation for another 17 years, Until of course the Platypus came into conversation around the lunch table at a now grown up snippersmith's full time place of work.
I have not been allowed to forget I thought the Platypus was called a Quackopotamous, Indeed I am reminded on a daily basis by my colleagues, by my nickname Quackopotamous .
Thanks Dad.
EDIT 1: Holy Cow this took off! Gold! thank you so much.
My son loves plants and gardening. Last year he had an herb garden. As we were talking about what he wants to do this summer, he was lamenting how his herd garden died.
“It wasn’t mint to be” I told him to furious groans.
I guess the joke came at the wrong thyme.
It gives them square roots...
Poul-trees
Marlon Bondo (hey, it’s as good as the Marlon Brawndo plant joke).
Last night I pulled a classic dad joke on my daughter. Normally this would make anyone groan but because my daughter is cool like me she loved it.
We were studying for her science vocabulary test. When we came to the word “organism”
she said: “Any living thing. Like an animal, plant or fungi”
I said: “You know people think I’m a fun guy (fungi)”
(Pause) she looks at me….
Her: “Oh I get it! “ then we laugh as she explains the joke I made. She’s 9.
Classic… My daughter is going to make a great “dad” one day…
A face-plant.
He asked me why my plants always looked so good even as a novice grower.
I told him I keep the soil moist at all times
He said but aren't you afraid you'll overwater them?
Me- Nope, I think they just suck it up and keep growing.
Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Thanks for the silver ❤️
Wife: How's the market today?
Me: Grain is up in rows, livestock is outstanding in the field.
Some of these are border-line uncle jokes. I'm also an uncle. I keep all these jokes in my dadabase. Aka Google notes.
Some of these I got off of podcasts, the dad joke API, some from movies, but most are from this sub. Let me know if you want a source for a joke or if one of them was yours I'll give credit.
It's ok to be Frank with people. Or josh with them. But try not to Rob or Sue them.
What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck
If the USA is so great then why did they make USB?
Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa. Which is strange.
You think he'd be from mad-at-gas-car
How did Jesus keep his abs? Crossfit
What does a Jewish cowboy celebrate Yee-Hanukka
What did the stamp say to the letter Stick with me and you'll go places
I gave my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick She's still not talking to me
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
What word starts with E and ends with E, but only has one letter in it. Envelope ✉
Why do people on Athens hate getting up early Because dawn is tough on Grease
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain A purramid
Why do fish like salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze
If april showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? PILGRIMS
Why do cemeteries have fences Because people are dying to get in
Did you know Bruce Lee had a Faster older brother? Sudden lee
Did you know he also had a Vegan brother? Broco lee
Pig black belt in karate Pork chop
How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes in 3 cups of coffee If you have 20 sugar cubes? You have to use all the cubes.
You put 1 in the first cup, one in the second cup, and 18 in the last cup. Because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put on a cup of coffee.
I was going to tell your a joke about Yoga But it's Not working out
What do you do if your wife starts smoking Use some lubricant
did you hear about the woman with 12 breasts? Sounds weird, dozen tit?
What did baby corn say to momma corn ( I got a boy scout selling popcorn to eyeroll me on this one) Where's popcorn
What type of pasta do they serve at a haunted house? Fettuccine Afradio
What do you call a werewolf streamer? Liken subscribe
Why don't Elton John songs have a copyright? You can tell everybody this is your song.
My mom swears up and down cows arent real I was in udder disbelief
Skeleton goes into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop
Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet Because th
... keep reading on reddit ➡It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
if you haven't botany.
The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"
The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
http://imgur.com/p8zGyin
Me: (assembling boxes) i'll watch out for that plant.
Boss: yes please do, i've had that fern since it was just a sprout.
Me: awww. they grow up so fast.
Boss: yes. it'll probably start going to college soon.
Me: think it'll go to an... ivy league?
Boss: ...
Me: ...
Boss: ...
Me: ...so yeah I'll just pack these boxes and watch out for the plant.
A light snack
That joke was so funny I nearly wet my plants!
I work security at a large lab. We have a safety rating of green/yellow/red that we need to ask incoming workers. This occurred today when my co-worker greeted an incoming employee.
Co-worker: “Hello. What kind of work are you doing today? Green, yellow, or red work?”
Employee: “I’m just going to my office to water my plants.”
Me: “That’s definitely green work.”
Co-worker: “Did you have to?”
Me: “Sorry. That joke was low hanging fruit.”
Co-worker: “Really?”
Me: “Guess I’m stacking them up like cord wood today.”
My dad's favorite joke of all time (there are many variations, and of course, even more extended versions):
These three guys went to South America to explore the rain forest. The guide was leading them through explaining the different plants and animals. After awhile they started to hear this really loud sound.
whoosh
whoosh
whoosh
The men, kind of scared, asked the guide what the noise was.
"What the hell is that noise?"
"Oh, that's just the Foo bird."
"The Foo bird?"
"Yes, it's a giant bird, and the locals believe that if it poops on you, wiping it off will cause instant death."
"That's silly."
"Well, that's what the locals say."
The noise gets louder and closer.
WHOOSH
WHOOSH
WHOOSH
The men look up in the sky and see a glimpse of the Foo bird.
"It's huge!"
Suddenly...
SPLAT
All four of the men are covered with bird shit. The guide pulls a cloth out of his pocket and wipes the shit off of his face. He drops dead.
The first of the three men says, "that's got to be a coincidence."
He wipes the shit off, and drops dead.
The second guy nervously says, "it can't be true"
He wipes it off and drops dead.
The third guy doesn't wipe it off. He was found a few days later, and went home, refusing to be cleaned.
A few years pass, his life has been destroyed due to being covered in shit. His wife left him, his friends won't come near him, he can't find a job... One day, he's in the bathroom shaving around the shit.
"It's been years, most of it has flaked off, it's probably fine to wipe it off now."
He hesitates, but eventually grabs a towel, wets it down, and takes a deep breath.
He wipes the shit off, looks up into the mirror smiling, then drops dead.
The moral of the story is:
If the Foo shits, wear it.
We were planting some new shrubs. I was digging the holes and he was planting the bushes. I finished digging and called over to him and said "the hole is dug"... he called back "how do you know its name?" He was so proud, 3 daughters and his first real dad joke!
So I was walking along a bush path with my dad and brother and I was smashing them one after the other
"dad I keep feeling these plants, they probably want me to leaf it alone hahaha. How fern-y am I haha. If you guys don't like these jokes, I have found the root of the problem. I should probably branch out on my type of jokes, but I'm totally rockin it. I am having the moss-t amount of fun right now hahaha".
I thought it was hilarious but they just looked at me haha
"What are you planting?"
"Hostas, seedums and..."
"Yeah I see them 1-2-3-4-5."
Doesn't help much when my dad dropped a "Seedum grow" joke an hour before.
Every time the household has one of those "I love you" rounds... I say "I love lamp." The kids look at me funny and I correct myself to the appropriate-for-the-moment comment.
I look forward to them watching the classic "old" movie I've been referencing for as long as they remember. I hope they'll call me to say they finally got the joke.
Any other long-term dad-bombs I should start planting?
But you’ve probably never heard of herbivore
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
Mom jokes gives birth to laughter. Dad jokes plant the seed to laugh.
