What's the fastest growing plant?

Birds. I scattered some bird seed on the ground; 5 minutes later birds everywhere.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dm80x86
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2021
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I had nothing to do so I thought of personally mixing the small leaves of a low-growing aromatic plant of the mint family.

But I knew I’d end up with too much Thyme on my hands

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
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I used to hate fast growing plants

But then it grew on me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xJammy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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Did you hear about the guy who’s been growing a marijuana plant for almost 20 years?

They’re best buds

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πŸ‘€︎ u/outsideofthecity
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
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Dad joked my friend while growing some plants the other day.

He asked me why my plants always looked so good even as a novice grower.

I told him I keep the soil moist at all times

He said but aren't you afraid you'll overwater them?

Me- Nope, I think they just suck it up and keep growing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Mighty_Pickle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2015
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Why should you let sugar plants grow slowly?

You don't wanna hurry-cane.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanOfAllTrades80
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2022
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What do you call a plant that grows chicken?

A poul-tree!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotebookArtist
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2021
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You can't grow plants...

If you haven't botany.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hallsguide
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
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There's only one thing girls want. It starts with a P and ends in an S.

Puns

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RompingOtter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2021
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My friend injects his marijuana plants with sugar water as they grow, they sells bags of it for much higher prices...

He's trying to sweeten the pot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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During this quarantine, I’ve made friends with the plants I’m trying to grow.

They’re my buds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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What kind of plants do they grow in Hell?

Purga Trees.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phillepips
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
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What do you call a plant that beef grows on?

A bovine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalArbiter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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I planted an acorn on the side of a hill, and it took forever to grow.

It turned out to be a real slope oak.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nodecam
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
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I want to grow some plants in my backyard

but I haven't botany.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/v_cleaner
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2015
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I told my Ranger at work that after my dog had passed away, we buried him and then planted a tree to grow on top of his grave.

He responded with "I guess that tree will have more bark than usual".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phat_blah
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2016
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What plant grows with your family?

Your ancestry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gnsnprwldwsl
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2017
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(My Grandma called me just to tell me this one): Why did the farmer bury a lightbulb?

He wanted to grow a power plant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frozeneskimo02
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
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Did you know that commas can change the meaning of a sentence.

For example

Ben is in a hurry

vs

Ben is in a comma

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SatanJoshKelpie22
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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Just got hired and I'm already *that* employee

Me: (assembling boxes) i'll watch out for that plant.

Boss: yes please do, i've had that fern since it was just a sprout.

Me: awww. they grow up so fast.

Boss: yes. it'll probably start going to college soon.

Me: think it'll go to an... ivy league?

Boss: ...

Me: ...

Boss: ...

Me: ...so yeah I'll just pack these boxes and watch out for the plant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/winnersbitch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2014
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Plant/Music Puns

I am looking for some sort or plant/gardening puns from famous song lyrics for a class assignment such as:

You can grow your own way

-or-

Don't grow so close to me

Any help?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fornicaked
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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How to start 3 different types of races!

Teddy bear race:Ready Teddy Go!

Goat Race:Ready Steady Goat!

Plant race:Ready Steady Grow!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joemama5lol
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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Look at this!... I said to my wife...

What?....she replied. ..Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eight plants are growing very well, but the other four are getting dry, I said.

Huh...that's really weird!..she responded ..water the odds!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeahmaybe2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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My six year old came up with these one today

How did the rose plant grow? It rose

His other good one after some thought..

How does a tree escape? It leaves

Iβ€˜m proud of his thinking

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πŸ‘€︎ u/artrandenthi1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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Man I hate grapes

Grapes suck man, I mean potatoes they're appealing ;) and can even grow back even after being smashed ;) out drunk, but grapes they just get drunk and wine and wine and wine ;), oh and corn, god who needs corn, they just party but pop off ;) for no reason, they say after its waters temper ;) but... well I guess water is not good either, they get angry and just boil ;) over... oh and I heard some news about tomatoes they had an affair with cherries ;), I heard that tomatoes wife is gonna get revenge by dewing grass ;), but I can only say one thing the plant party was wild last night.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mjk2581
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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My experience gardening

I decided to grow a garden this year. Most of the plants grew really well, but one of my herb plants struggled and eventually died so I had to throw it out. It was thyme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hammertime4525
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2016
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I submit to you a pun about plants in the final minutes of my reddit birthday.

So I know of this one plant. He's a sentient plant, who feels like he needs to move around more than he does (because plants can't move where they're planted on their own), and decided that he needs feet to do so.

So, the plant got a contractor to build him a laboratory around himself. He worked tirelessly for years in hopes of growing a foot he could use, but to no avail. Or, almost no avail.

He managed to finally create SOMETHING, but it wasn't much. All he could get out of all of his experiments and concoctions was a toe. Not even a real toe, a fake one.

So he has now performed...

FAUX-TOE-SYNTHESIS

(say it out loud)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zap-Brannigan
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2012
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Lies out parents told us when we were little.

I'll start with mine.

  1. If you eat the seeds of the watermelon, a watermelon plant will grow in your stomach.

  2. If you grow up in a foreign country your face will turn into one of a foreigner (as chinese immigrants to spain, my parents told me this to get me to go to school)

  3. My grandpa used to tell me that if I moved too much after eating the food would leak into my blood veins and I would die. Needless to say that scarred me for a long period of my infancy.

  4. My grandma, conversely, told me that if I slept face down I would crush my heart and die. Screw you, grandma...

  5. One of the most cruel lies was from my uncle, in which every time we heard police sirens, he would hurry and exclaim that the police was going after me for having too many toys... Made me scared of cops for a long time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dronelisk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2013
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Litter box garden

Just watched a neighborhood cat poop in my garden beside a jalapeΓ±o plant.

Now I'm going to grow shitty peppers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdnewton
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2016
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What if they planted a bomb?

My cousin walked up on my front porch. Walked up by the door. Then turned around and walked away.

My little brother: What if they planted a bomb? Dad: It wouldn't grow. This was followed with 10 minutes of nonstop laughter. Just from him and my mother.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zeo50900
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
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Some highlights from our family trip last weekend

Oldest son (at a restaurant): do they accept dogs here? Me: no, it's cash or card

Waitress (bringing our after dinner drinks): I have three ports. Me: it was supposed to be two ports and a starboard

Youngest son (while we were driving): look, a cow... nevermind, it's gone Me: yes, we mooooved on...

Me: those plants around the redwoods are ferns Oldest son: they grow really close to the trees Me: yeah, they're really frondly...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/confibulator
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2017
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Just gardening when my uncle asks me a question.

"What are you planting?"

"Hostas, seedums and..."

"Yeah I see them 1-2-3-4-5."

Doesn't help much when my dad dropped a "Seedum grow" joke an hour before.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Turbotottle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
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Popped a dad joke while playing an online game with friends

I was playing a game of heroes of the storm with friends. We played a map where the objective is to grow a giant plant to attack the enemies base.

My friend commented "I am really starting to like this map!" I said in return "Yeah, it's really starting to grow on me." Of course I was promptly told to shut up by my friend.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chilaxbro
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2015
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Guy made an awesome party entrance with a cheesy dadjoke

My friend had a truck on his lawn full of firewood for the bonfire planned for later in the party. This guy who just arrived walks into the kitchen and says, "Hey, you know you've got a truck growing outta your lawn?" My friend replies, "Yeah, I planted a couple GMC emblems and it just sprouted up!" The guy, without a moment's hesitation says. "Damn, that's a real bumper crop!" Everyone in the kitchen died laughing and the guy, who didn't really know anyone there, instantly became the centre of the party.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WebberWoods
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
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Dadjoked in the garden

My dad and I were doing some spring lawn care in my yard yesterday.

When we were near the gardens he asked me "Why don't you plant the onions next to the potatoes?" I said I'm not sure, probably because there's not enough room.

He says to me, "Good thing, it would just make their eyes water anyway."

My love for him grows stronger.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/largetall
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2015
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What kind of plants do they grow in Hell?

Purga Trees.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phillepips
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
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