Phil X Puns

https://twitter.com/penguins/status/643509078795395072

Phil Ming.

...hangs on a wall?

Art

...goes for a swim?

Bob

...sits on a porch?

Matt

...lies in a ditch?

Phil

He visits ant infested houses, kills all the ants for free with the condition of keeping dead ants' heads to himself.

He is a Phil-ant-trophist.

The other one goes “Shut up Phil you’re drunk”

John left large shoes to Phil.

Flex shoes; they make him go Phil Swift!

I’m going to name my son Phil and from that point on everything I do will be for my son. That’s my Phil Osophy.

Phil A. of Phish

but his Shoes were too big to phil

Art.

Two guys with no arms and no legs and hangs on your wall? Curt n Rod.

No arms and no legs in a bathtub? Dwayne.

No arms and no legs at your front door? Mat

No arms and no legs and playing in the leaves? Russell

At the city dump? Phil

He was Phil-anthropist.

I once had a friend named Phil who would put extra salt on his noodles. He died of high cholesterol.

Can I get a Ramen?

He then said, “what about a computer bob or a computer Phil? How about a computer dan?”

Phil

"Nice to meet you full, I'm Phil"

Edit: Sorry if this has been posted before, my dad used to do this all the time.

My dad tells these old jokes all the time and acts like it's the first time we've ever heard them each time. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the lake? Bob What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs under the car? Jack What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole? Phil What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the wall? Art What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the mail? Bill What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the doorstep? Matt What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in stage? Mike And his personal favorite... What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs above the window? Curt n' Rod

Now we call him Phil.

I told her Phillips head, but to give it back to Phil when I'm finished

who claims he can heal anyone with magical crystals. He announces to a crowd, “anyone who needs something healed, step right up and I can heal you with my powers!” Someone steps up, on crutches. “Hi, I’m Phil, can you fix my leg?” He asks. “Yes! Of course! Phil, step behind the curtain!” Answers the crystal guy. Then, another man steps up. “You seem fine! What’s the problem?” The crystal guy asks. “I h-h-have ha-had this st-stutter since I wa-was five.” He said. “Ok, I can fix you right up!” The crystal guy says, motioning the guy with the stutter behind the curtain. Then, he says some sort of chant, moving crystals around. Once he is done he shouts, “Phil, throw a crutch over to prove you’re healed!” A crutch goes flying over the curtain. The crowd gasps. “Now, sir, with the stutter, say something!” He shouts, showing off it worked. “U-uh Ph-Phil fe-ell d-down.”

I am a cashier at Publix and had a guy and his wife come through my line. Upon ringing up his milk I asked "do you want your milk in a bag?"

Dad: "No thanks, I find it easier to take it home in the jug it came in!"

Dad's wife: "Dammit Phil, you say that every time we get milk."

Apparently, even after saying it every time, it still makes him chuckle.

Phil

Dr. Phil Good.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pond? A: Bob

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs under a car? A: Jack

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your mailbox? A: Bill

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on a wall? A: Art

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pot? A: Stu

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs sitting on a grill? A: Frank

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves? A: Rustle

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pot hole? A: Phil

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs at the bottom of a hole? A: Doug

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs at the bottom of a not as deep hole? A: Douglas

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs at your front door? A: Matt

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs on the floor at a barbershop? A: Harry

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs that works at a brewery? A: Bud

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs water-skiing? A: Skip

Damn it

• Phil Dunphy (Modern Family - Halloween 4: The Revenge of Rod Skyhook)

And he's not letting anyone go home at reasonable hours or take leave until the big project's . He's been working early mornings and late nights . It's been going on for weeks. they're all tired and homesick. I haven't had a meal with him at home all month which really sucks because he was a great laugh at dinner time. Even when I do see him he's too overworked to even think straight.

Anyway, yesterday Phil, one of his workmates had a brilliant plan.

He turned to my Dad and said to him; "I've had enough of this crap, I'm going home and calling in sick for the next couple of days!"

My dad is amazed. "Phil!" he says, "You can't do that - you'll get sacked!"

"Don't worry, mate," says Phil, "I've got it all worked out." tapping his nose. Out of the blue he reaches up and grabs the ceiling fan (It was off) and hangs upside down from it. My dad has no idea what's going on and tries to ask him, but Phil doesn't answer.

Eventually the boss walks in and asks "Phil - what the Hell are you doing?"

"I'm a lightbulb." replies Phil.

The boss is surprised and realises the guy needs to go home and sends him off for a couple of days. All of a sudden my Dad gets up too and walks away.

"What do you think you're doing?" says the boss.

"You don't expect me to work in the Dark do you?" replies my Dad.

I have so, so many...

"The Road Is Shut" by Elaine Closed. "I'm Outta Gas" by Phil McCarup "How To Tie Shoelaces" by Ben Doon "A Cliff Edge" by Eileen Dover "A Book Of Churches" by Cath Headrall "I've Eaten Too Much!" by Buster Gutt "A Book On Soft Cheeses" by Phil Adelphia

And finally, "A Book On Domestic Pets" by Rabi Tuch... (...Rabituch...) (Rabbit hutch)

Phillip Turr was one of the most handsome men to ever exist. Throughout high school, Phillip Turr was often called Photogenic Phil, due to his heartwarming smile.

Consequently, he was offered a modeling job before college. During his career, articles were often written about how photoshop was not even needed when it came to pictures of Phillip Turr, because he was just so flawless.

On one gloomy day, Phillip Turr was walking to one of his photoshoots and crossed the street at a busy intersection and sadly, Phillip Turr was hit by a reckless driver and was killed.

The next day, one of the photographers at the photoshoot that Phillip Turr was walking to posted a picture on Instagram to commemorate Phillip Turr's life. The picture was of an empty studio.

The caption of the photo read: Here is a picture of the place where the beautiful Phillip Turr would have stood yesterday had he not been tragically killed. RIP. #NoPhilTurr

My dad is looking a get a refill on his cleaning spray, he holds up his sprayer to get the attention of the employee. She says: "Fill?"

My dad responds with: "My name is Rob, but you can call me Phil."

Laughs all around.

Listening to "In the air tonight",

From the other room, in perfect timing, yells out:

"I CAN PHIL IT, COLLINS IN THE AIR TONIGHT"

A favourite of mine from the show Modern Family that I laugh to myself about everytime I am packing leftovers.

Claire: How do the containers and lids get separated? Phil: Built-up resentment ... money issues ... met a younger lid.

“You only get one chance at a first impression. I suggest Julia Child because it’s easy to do. ‘Save the giblets’”

— Phil Dunphy

I work dispatch for an executive transportation company. The owner's name Is Matt. While talking to one of the chauffeurs, Matt's name prompted this.

You know what they call a guy with no arms, no legs and is lying next to a door? Matt.

He continues... Same guy is sitting in a pothole, what do you call him? Phil. And if he's in the swimming pool, we call him Bob. Put him up on the wall and his name is Art. Hang two of him on the wall and we call them Kurt and Rod!

I couldn't bring myself to respond. It was too brilliant.

So yesterday I had vision correction surgery and on the ride home my mom called. My dad answered it via the car phone and my mom was asking how it went and all that. The conversation went as follows:

Mom: Hi how are you doing? How's Phil?

Dad: Hi we are good. He was in and out in about 20 minutes and they gave him a CD with only one track on it as part of the recovery package.

Mom: Really? What for?

Dad: Just to ease the anxiety he may experience shortly after the surgery. It's the song I can see clearly now.

My mom proceeded to crack up over the phone and I think she accidentally hung up as well. My girlfriend and I were laughing hysterically as well.

Knowing my dad, he couldn't wait to drop that one.

His Royal Highness, the Prince of Puns, the Duke of Dadjokes, King Phil of Dumphy. http://imgur.com/lrjFHzz

"Watch out for Phil Swift, he'll pull a fast one on you."

"You know, I just got over my Phil Collins addiction. So take a look at me now."

Me: "Is Phil Hartman the one who was killed by his wife?"
Mom: "Yup."
Dad: "Shot him right in the heart, man."
Mom (genuinely): "Did she really?"

my sister, dad, and I just started cracking up.

What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera? Phil Ming"

Phil or was it Doug?

Phil