Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too
This time of year we switch out our old decorative squash for a new one -
It's the traditional changing of the gourd.
If you are visiting Rome, be forewarned: it might take you a long time to get out of the city.
All their roads seem to have this weird design flaw.
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
Running out of toilet paper, in a time like this, makes sense
I always knew we would wipe ourselves out
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing “Danger Zone” nine times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts.
Great, just got kicked out of the karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone five times.
Apparently I exceeded the maximum number of attempted Loggins.
By the time my brother got out of the 4th grade, we all knew what he was gonna be when he left high school
Ok guys. Time to rally together to help a fellow new dad out. I’m MCing a wedding and need the worst of the worst wedding themed dad jokes you have to offer.
Sorry I’m advance if this isn’t allowed.
Whoever figured out the 'days of the month correspond with your knuckles' thing had too much time on their hands
There is a mysterious body of water where every wave is the same height, only one type of fish is ever caught there, and the tides come in and out at the same time every day.
It’s called the Redundant-Sea.
I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, “Oh sure. I’m out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I don’t have anyone telling me what to do.”
I told him, “Turn right at the next corner.”
I was cooking when suddenly I realized I was out of Time...
So I turned off the burner and renewed my subscription.
DadProTip: When you back out of a parking space, be sure to say "Thiiiis takes me back" every time your kids are in the car.
Song pops in my head every time, thought I'd make a meme out of it.
I wanted to cook chicken for dinner, but I forgot to take it out of the freezer ahead of time.
It wasn’t a well thawed out plan.
I went to the doctors for the first time in a while. He told me that I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass.
I told him that was just the tip of the iceberg
A pod of porpoises moved into the harbor near my town. So, me and my friends decided to go camping on the beach to check it out. We brought beer for us and some raw fish to feed the pod. Everybody had a great time. You could say it was a party
for all in tents and porpoises.
True story: I wanted to print a dozen copies of a document, but selected 'Number of Copies: 12' on both MS Word and the printer itself, just to be sure. Turns out, it treated that as 12 times 12 copies.
I soon discovered that I had made a gross error of judgment.
Back in medieval times, they used to make computer mice out of the poop of giant flame breathing reptiles...
...surely you've heard of the "dragon drop" interface.
For the longest time I couldn’t figure out how I tripped over the remains of that tree.
About time of the year to bust out the missile toe.
Farmers have a hard time being the best because all of them are out standing in their fields
I've decided on a number of time-out punishments for my one and future kids...
- Stand in front of a mirror and reflect on what they've done.
- Sit in the corner where the floor speakers are to face the music.
Any other suggestions?
My wife checked this sub out for the first time and said, “I groaned at most of the jokes on here.”
I said, “Yes. They /r/dadjokes.
Every time I have cabbage I'm out of mayo, and every time I have mayo I'm out of cabbage. It's like some kind of Murphy's Slaw.
I ran out of time
I was taking a culinary class, and I was working on an assignment. However, I ran out of time so I had to use basil.
I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time
This Dad... Juust in time for Xmas decorating ,or how to get out of it.
https://imgur.com/gallery/yjl3w
My son took a box of crackers out of the cabinet to get a snack. I told him to put it back with the box top facing out to make it easier next time...
I told him it was a get Ritz quick scheme...
Do you recall that film that was kinda like A Bug's Life and came out at the same sort of time as A Bug's Life but wasn't nearly as good as A Bug's Life?
Well you should, it's Remember Antz Day
One time someone tried to sell my dad a belt made out of watches...
He told the salesman that this deal was
A waist of time!
I have a pair of shoes which I named 'Rainy shoes'. It is because every time I go out with that pair on, it begins to pour.
I guess it got some rain issues.
I knew that my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers had gotten out of hand, so it was time to quit...
My drunk friend was kicked out of Karaoke for singing “Danger Zone” 7 times in a row.
He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.
I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row...
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts...
I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.
Just got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone 5 times...
Apparently I exceeded the amount of Loggins attempts.
I was kicked out of the karaoke bar for singing Highway To The Danger Zone 3 times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts I guess.
I just got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone five times
I guess I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attemps.
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