Our Day Puns

I replied it seems a bit chilly in here. I’m now banned at all Chili’s restaurants in the USA

"Don't worry, Honey, he's just another Fred of mine."

Because working for a fortnight would make everyone too weak.

...she's on Catkins."
(one of these days my wife's eyes are gonna get stuck in the eye-rolling position)

We just call him Rev.

But it’s up there.

She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”

She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“

“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”

... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!

To which I replied “No it doesn’t.”

We're having a midwife crisis.

They got a whole 20 minutes in before the teacher woke him up

"And then we'll see."

She looked at me and said, “I’m having a T party.”

I chortled.

DupliKate

The workers in a thick Japanese accent said DAT SOON

Co-teacher: "Students name" came in and said he lost his throat.

Me: Oh no! Did he check where he last remembered having it?

Co-teacher: He couldn't say.

A couple months later I found them hidden somewhere, most likely by some hooligans who had nothing better to do.

Anyways, after I found them I walked up to all my coworkers holding up the grates and said:

"Guys! I have grate news!"

That shit was in tents.

What a bitch.

The next day I woke up to her sobbing and I told her “good mourning!”

But the next day, we had Omnikin. So I told my friend, "You gotta be Omnikidding me!"

then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!

This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.

Photos here:

https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3

Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Don’t tell the wise men!

I got the Benz.

I then instinctively yelled "I guess this was just a big 'mistake'"

I told her:

Breastfeeding is tough for Mommy, it really takes a lot out of her

She says she loves being carded.

There is the 1st, the 2nd, the 25th, etc., no day has ever been called A, B or Mary.

Customer: Ugh! I can’t eat anything out of an animal’s mouth. Give me a coupla eggs.

• Durex

Our professor told us he had a lame excuse

He pulled his hare out.

when almost all the states are connected like a big jigsaw puzzle.

I handed her a hundred to deposit in the bank from a wedding present.

Her: Do you have any smaller bills?

I proceed to take out a ten...

Her: taking off a zero doesn't count.

So I take the hundred, fold it in half, and hand it back

My dad shouted at me from the balcony and said "If you cut off your legs mowing that lawn, don't you come running to me".

GF: Hey! The chicken is on the fence.

Me: On what topic?

Me: I guess you can say... she gets a kick out of it!

YEAHHHHHH!! (I didn't actually do this part, but it played in my head.)

Wife: groans go to sleep.

A saying of my father a frontpage post inspired me to share.

Today my dad and I went to a tech store, where we bought a TV. The checkout assistant gave us a receipt we had to deliver to the tech store's warehouse on the other side of the road. My dad and I walked into the warehouse and went to stand in the line. A couple of minutes later, it was our turn to get service. We gave them the receipt, and then they came out with the TV. My dad then started saying: "This is our lucky day. I can't believe how clumsy people can be. Dropping a receipt to such an expensive TV to the floor." The people in the queue gave us some weird looks. When we came out of the store my dad started laughing. I got to admit, though. I thought it was pretty funny as well.

Some times dadjokes can be funny...

Me: "He looks kind of distressed. I think he misses going outside."

Dad: "He must have a bad case of cat-in fever!" (Chuckles to self for the next several minutes)

I got the Benz.