I got married the other day & for our honeymoon we stayed at this fancy hotel. My wife complained she never got any sleep because all night long, it was up and down, in and out, up and down, in and out!
I have to warn you. Never get a room next to the elevator!
I work in aviation and one day I got a call that one of our aircraft mechanics was caught drinking brake fluid.
He told us not to worry and that it’s not addictive, because he could stop anytime.
We played Scrabble in our bathroom one day.
It was full of bowels and continents.
One day at school we had to go in dressed as our favourite character from a book. I went in naked an spent all day sat on the toilet.
The teacher said: "Who are you meant to be?"
I said: "Poo bare".
My Wife says to me this morning. Our new neighbor kisses his wife every day when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that..!?
Because I hardly know her..I said.
my husband dropped this one on me and our 3-day-old jaundice son
I don't know who this Billy Reuben guy is, but he's about to get his ass kicked.
My kids wanted to spend the whole day of our vacation shopping, which I don’t understand at all.
If you’ve seen one shopping Center, you’ve seen the mall!
The biggest shock of my life was the day my wife delivered our son
Turns out it was actually DiGiorno
Girlfriend: "Honey, would you give me a ring on our wedding day?"
Boyfriend: "Sure, what's your number?"
It was a white Christmas kind of day and our fenced backyard was blanketed with crystalline beauty. We let our two little puppies out the back door. Amazingly, in a short period of time the yard was peppered with small holes over the entire surface. The cause of this was…..
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best...
My wife and I have to run an errand this morning, but our day is wide open after that.
First, we're going to pick up our new glasses. After that...we'll see.
A dad joke from my four year old this morning as her mom and I realized out loud it is our football day “Daddy is it warm outside now?”
My wife, tired, looked over at me next to the cot where our 5 day old daughter lay.
"Has she gone?" she asked me, questioning whether she's fallen asleep.
I peered over inside the cot and answered,
"Nope, she's still there."
(True story from last night)
The other day a cowboy stopped by our house and asked my Dad if he could help him round up 18 cows.
"Sure thing, pardner. That's 20 cows," says Dad.
So I was at Chili’s the other day and when a waiter came to take our order, I asked him to turn the heat up and when he asked why
I replied it seems a bit chilly in here. I’m now banned at all Chili’s restaurants in the USA
My wife asked me the other day what I wanted to name our twin daughters. Kate, I replied. And the other, she asked?
Recently, I've been driving my wife crazy with how many friends named Fred I've been making, and they all look the same, no less. That said, one day a man rang our bell, and my wife, relieved that he did not look like my other friends, asked who he was, to which a replied:
"Don't worry, Honey, he's just another Fred of mine."
Our local priest rides around our town on a motorbike all day.
I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"
My wife was commenting on one of our cats and its big belly. I said, "I don't get it. She eats protein all day...
...she's on Catkins."
(one of these days my wife's eyes are gonna get stuck in the eye-rolling position)
Our birth coach just cancelled, my wife is due any day now, and we're freaking out!
We're having a midwife crisis.
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”
She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“
“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
The day after our son died my wife came to me and said she felt like she wasn’t grieving properly and she felt bad.
The next day I woke up to her sobbing and I told her “good mourning!”
We have a magnetic alphabet on our fridge. The other day my daughter grabbed the letter T and put it in her in milk.
She looked at me and said, “I’m having a T party.”
I chortled.
The ultimate dadjoke. My toddlers believe that on 3 king’s day (along with bringing gifts) the camels severely screw up our home. I put muddy hoof prints throughout, upend the plants, knock over the tree, tear apart fruit, etc.
This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.
Photos here:
https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3
Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Don’t tell the wise men!
I teach elementary special Ed, and my co-teacher and I joke back and forth all day. This is our most recent best.
Co-teacher: "Students name" came in and said he lost his throat.
Me: Oh no! Did he check where he last remembered having it?
Co-teacher: He couldn't say.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
I sell appliances - one day the grates for one of our cooktops went missing...
A couple months later I found them hidden somewhere, most likely by some hooligans who had nothing better to do.
Anyways, after I found them I walked up to all my coworkers holding up the grates and said:
"Guys! I have grate news!"
My wife insists that she deserves an extra present this Mothers' day since she is the mum of our pet dog.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
So our P.E teacher said we are only having Omnikin for one day
But the next day, we had Omnikin. So I told my friend, "You gotta be Omnikidding me!"
It has been a bit of a strange day today... First of all I found a hat full of money in our local High Street,
then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!
Waiter: Our special of the day is beef tongue.
Customer: Ugh! I can’t eat anything out of an animal’s mouth. Give me a coupla eggs.
My older daughter asked me why Mommy is so tired after breastfeeding our baby all day
I told her:
Breastfeeding is tough for Mommy, it really takes a lot out of her
I went to a restaurant with two friends the other day one of them ordered a rare steak and the other asked for a medium rare steak. When we got our food they had each other's steaks,
I then instinctively yelled "I guess this was just a big 'mistake'"
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
"Happy Father's Day to everyone who used our competitors' products"
The teaching assistant for our class didn't show up the day after injuring his foot
Our professor told us he had a lame excuse
So I was mowing our lawn the other day and I wasn't wearing any shoes.
My dad shouted at me from the balcony and said "If you cut off your legs mowing that lawn, don't you come running to me".
I had fun angering our local magician the other day....
Our neighbors chicken jumped our fence and was hanging out in our backyard most of the day...
GF: Hey! The chicken is on the fence.
Me: On what topic?
My wife says to me this morning. Our new neighbor kisses his wife every day when he leaves for work, why don't you do that !
I replied..because I hardly know her.
My Wife says to me this morning. Our new neighbor kisses his wife every day when he leaves for work, why don't you do that..?!!
..because I hardly know her.
My wife drove our German car off the pier and into the sea. The next day I went diving and found it.
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