Opie And Anthony Book Of Puns

I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

I bought 2

We called him Reggae Tony.

>!I've decided the title is going to be 'Thymeless Classics'!<.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?

It’s gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

Then IT hit me.

I have only my shelf to blame.

I know I will never hear the end of it!!

I guess I only have my shelve to blame!

Because they all have phones.

I only have my shelf to blame.

It's called "Wisdom of the Kraut"

It’s only a draft at the minute.

The man asks "is this good for wasps?"

The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"

Slim to Nun?

(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)

The one with the Hoppy ending. My daughter told me this 😀

She said try Sarah Topps.

Inside of a dog, it's much too dark to read.

It's only a draft at the moment.

Personally, I’m tired of the hullabaloo.

Because it was written by a ghost writer

but it’s only a small draft at the moment

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

It's an autobiography.

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

Goodnight Moon is the darkest book I know.

It was about time!!

Me: What'd you do today?

My toddler: Nothing

Me: Are you sure about that?

My toddler: That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

Atlas, I found it.

That's what I do when I'm Russian

They said it was grounds for termination.

I can’t seem to put it down.

Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?

The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.

"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."

EDIT The responses here are incredible! 👌

I said, “That’s.....a novel idea.”

"It's to look at. "

I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.

This is apache version of history I thought

I told her I will address it when I get home

He really raised the bar on that one

A big fire in Boston.