The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.

I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 42
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 06 2021
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I went to a bookstore and saw a book titled "How to solve 50% of your problems".

I bought 2

πŸ‘οΈŽ 69
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/elster000
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 11 2021
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My college roommate, Anthony, was really into Italian food and Jamaican music.

We called him Reggae Tony.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/henry_holyoak
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 15 2021
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I'm putting together a book of tried and true recipes, none of which will include thyme as an ingredient.

>!I've decided the title is going to be 'Thymeless Classics'!<.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/psychpopnprogncore
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 22 2021
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

show more
πŸ‘οΈŽ 17k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 21 2020
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I'm sick and tired of people coming into my house, trying to sell me books, and then just marching out and leaving the door wide open.

Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/WhatProtomolecule
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 15 2021
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I once swallowed a book of synonyms.

It’s gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/shua_mc
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 12 2021
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Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone, and I wondered why they were doing that...

Then IT hit me.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 50
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/obsidiandragon61
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 28 2021
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After a bad diy project, a load of books fell on my head.

I have only my shelf to blame.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 46
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ExtraSure
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 11 2021
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I lost one of my wife's audio books.

I know I will never hear the end of it!!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 118
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 26 2021
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The other day a bunch of books fell down on my head.

I guess I only have my shelve to blame!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 38
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 18 2021
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How come there are so many people named β€œSmith” and β€œJones” in the phone book?

Because they all have phones.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AConfederacyOfDunces
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 02 2021
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A bunch of books fell on me yesterday, but I couldn’t find anyone at fault in the accident.

I only have my shelf to blame.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 130
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/backalleywillie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 20 2021
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I interviewed the leading German herb gardeners and compiled their knowledge into a book.

It's called "Wisdom of the Kraut"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Hasanowitsch
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 17 2021
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I’m currently writing a book about wind, hurricanes and tornados..

It’s only a draft at the minute.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 46
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 06 2021
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Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray

The man asks "is this good for wasps?"

The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DemonDoorknob
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 28 2021
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A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 29k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/megad1rt
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 18 2020
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What kind of books does a Rabbit like?

The one with the Hoppy ending. My daughter told me this πŸ˜€

πŸ‘οΈŽ 35
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/peacefulsalmon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 03 2021
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I asked the librarian if she knew the author of a dinosaur book.

She said try Sarah Topps.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 54
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Realistic-Twist-3112
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 07 2021
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.

Inside of a dog, it's much too dark to read.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/antiviolins
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 10 2021
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I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes...

It's only a draft at the moment.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 03 2021
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I guess people are just going crazy about the exterior of that new cargo ship that was named for the bear from the Jungle Book.

Personally, I’m tired of the hullabaloo.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 26 2021
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The best part of writing a book using only a Ouija board is getting all the credit.

Because it was written by a ghost writer

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 24 2021
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I’ve started writing a book about whirlwinds and tornadoes

but it’s only a small draft at the moment

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FuntCaseKid
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 24 2021
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In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 338
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 12 2021
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I'm currently reading a book about the life of Henry Ford.

It's an autobiography.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 148
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/gregsedwards
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 15 2021
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The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 376
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 14 2021
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I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, β€œYou’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 16 2021
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Every night, I read my kids a book about the end of days...

Goodnight Moon is the darkest book I know.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Solest044
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 20 2021
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I havent read a book in ages. So i decided to start with a book of how clocks work.

It was about time!!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 104
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/robconone
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 08 2021
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I got home one day and a book was stuck to my toddler

Me: What'd you do today?

My toddler: Nothing

Me: Are you sure about that?

My toddler: That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/doublet4p
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 11 2021
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I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sierrasport
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 04 2020
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It’s kind of sad that Christianity, Judaism, and Islam have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 497
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 14 2021
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For years I was searching for a book with all kind of maps.

Atlas, I found it.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 67
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Allgen
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 19 2021
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Why did I stop and take a shot of vodka when I was running late to work?

That's what I do when I'm Russian

πŸ‘οΈŽ 339
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Rysefin
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 27 2021
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I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.

They said it was grounds for termination.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jvlpdillon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 25 2021
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I’m reading a book on the history of glue....

I can’t seem to put it down.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 202
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 28 2020
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If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God

Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/-Tigger
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 14 2021
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A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."

The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.

"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."

EDIT The responses here are incredible! πŸ‘Œ

πŸ‘οΈŽ 174
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/lady_emily_
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 28 2021
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My wife said, β€œWhy don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”

I said, β€œThat’s.....a novel idea.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I built a model of Mt.Everest and my son asked, "Is it to scale?" I replied "No."

"It's to look at. "

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/rhshi14
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 22 2021
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A lot of people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology.

I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 381
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MrsBunnyPants26
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 26 2021
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Found a book on american history and no mention of Native Americans

This is apache version of history I thought

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/substantiallypartial
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 30 2020
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My wife called me at work and told me one of our envelopes is giving her an attitude

I told her I will address it when I get home

πŸ‘οΈŽ 66
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/I_Only_Have_One_Hand
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 04 2021
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The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved

He really raised the bar on that one

πŸ‘οΈŽ 351
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 12 2021
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If a one L Lama is a holy man and a 2 L Llama is a beast of burden, what is a three L Llama?

A big fire in Boston.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 33
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 07 2021
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