If you commit 90 sins, you will only get caught half the time.
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︎ Mar 07 2021
If you sin 90 times, you'll only get caught 50% of times,
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︎ Sep 12 2020
Did you hear about the guy who only dated women named Esther, sometimes more than one at a time?
He identified as poly-Esther
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︎ Feb 24 2021
There is a religious veterinarian who has a strict rule that only one vet can work on large animals at a time
Because it is a sin to co-vet an oxen or donkey.
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︎ Feb 17 2021
What do you call a scandal concerning a rich engineer where the list of accusations only gets longer and longer over time?
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︎ Jan 24 2021
With the global warming raising the sea level, it is only a question of time for England to become Engsea.
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︎ Oct 23 2020
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. βDo you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?β
βBecause we donβt need depth perception with our mouths β was his technically correct answer
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︎ Jun 29 2019
I own a fake town which is actually a horror theme park and I only let a few people in at a time to keep demand and prices high.
It's called artificial scare-city
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︎ Oct 01 2020
The only time people should fret over nothing
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︎ Sep 16 2020
A drug addicted midget is the only thing that will always be both lower and higher than me at the same time.
Setting my heights real low on this one guys. Lol
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︎ Aug 25 2020
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, βThe Colour of Magicβ, Prologue.
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︎ Sep 03 2020
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
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︎ Jul 22 2020
On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.
I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.
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︎ Jul 29 2020
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole timeβ¦
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
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︎ May 17 2020
Started to learn to tell time on a analog clock last week. So far I can only tell when itβs 6:30
But I got that one hands down.
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︎ Jun 26 2020
If I had a Delorean, I would probably only drive it from time to time.
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︎ Jan 25 2019
I want to drink my coffee, smoke my cigarette, browse reddit on my phone all at the same time but I only have 2 hands. I wish I had another set of hands for this.
I think that would be pretty handy.
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︎ Feb 13 2020
Brought it in for an oil change, says he only drives it from time to time.
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︎ Nov 04 2019
Only part of my leg fell asleep but it's been asleep a long time
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︎ Apr 05 2020
My dad says the only difference between a good meal and a good time..
is where you put the cucumber..
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︎ Feb 07 2020
There is a mysterious body of water where every wave is the same height, only one type of fish is ever caught there, and the tides come in and out at the same time every day.
Itβs called the Redundant-Sea.
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︎ Feb 26 2020
Why does the hypochondriac only buy 10 eggs at a time?
Because there's tumor in a dozen
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︎ Aug 04 2019
The only time I got anything for Valentine's Day was in 3rd grade where my teacher gave me a Slim Jim.
I spent Valentine's Day eating my meat.
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︎ Jan 28 2020
So there are three female wizards assigned to protect three Rolex time pieces. My only question?
Which witch would watch which watch?
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︎ Jan 18 2019
The only time incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it's spelled incorrectly.
Credit my uncle, who is an uncle joking but not making uncle jokes. A dad-joker but not my dad.
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︎ Oct 11 2018
There are so many beautiful castles in Wales, but I only had time to visit one.
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︎ Mar 25 2019
Every time I visit my friend, he insists that we only listen to electronic dance music.
He wouldnβt techno for an answer.
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︎ Jul 07 2018
Today I only had time for a mini-workout
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︎ Oct 21 2019
The only good time to yell βI have diarrheaβ is when
you are playing Scrabble.
It's worth a shitload of points.
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︎ Sep 11 2019
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60.
Boss: Youβre fired.
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︎ Oct 31 2018
Just saw the star of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend preform in London for the first and (maybe) only time.
It was a 'once in Bloom moon' experience.
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︎ Jun 04 2019
If Einstein hadn't come up with the Theory of Relativity, someone else would have. It was only a matter of time.
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︎ Sep 28 2018
My wife can only breastfeed our baby for short periods of time.
Her doctor says itβs because of her short term mammary.
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︎ May 16 2019
The only time I get called "Sir" is when I'm in trouble.
Like, "Sir, you're gonna have to get out. The ball pit is for kids only Sir."...
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︎ May 04 2019
I only buy one pear at a time
They should be sold in pairs
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︎ Jul 02 2019
What do you call a time period when Lamborghini starts to produce electric cars only?
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︎ Oct 20 2018
Every time Iβm in Poland I only get one drink
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︎ Apr 26 2019
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
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︎ Apr 24 2018
I spend lots of time on the toilet. it's the only place I get shit done.
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︎ Jun 14 2017
Each Avenger on average can only have about 10 minutes of screen time.
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︎ Mar 14 2019
My boss only allows bathroom breaks at designated times, and it is my turn to go now.
I donβt need this shit.
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︎ Feb 06 2019
I think I'll try to be handy but only some of the time
so I can finally call myself Handsome.
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︎ Apr 14 2018
"The way Hulu works, only one person can watch at one time." - me
My dad responds with "So if there are two of us in the same room, Hulu will not work."
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︎ Jul 12 2018
My father needed surgery, and the only time the doctor could do it was on an evening flight
I knew this was a fly by night operation
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︎ Jan 17 2019
I once went to a zoo and only saw one animal the whole time.
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︎ Sep 03 2018
Mathematically, if you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.
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︎ Oct 04 2018
The only time anyone should fret over nothing...
...is playing air guitar.
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︎ Sep 16 2017
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