I heard about this one guy who could only see through screens

He had television.

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👤︎ u/Derpvboii
📅︎ Apr 06 2021
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My GF and I watched Game of Thrones seasons back to back.

I wasn't the one facing the screen so I don't know how it ended.

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📅︎ Feb 18 2023
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Wife texted me as she was boarding a plane, irritated that there was no wifi or TV screens as it was one of their "classic planes"

So I texted back: "Looks like you boarded the air-PLAIN.."

She didn't text me again.

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📅︎ Jun 28 2016
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Mom Joke

This is really a Mom Joke as my wife told it.

We recently bought a 75" television and were watching the Bucs game on Sunday. Midway through the game, the station tried to get a closeup of Tom Brady's hands but instead displayed his derriere in full screen and in beautiful HD. I asked my wife if that did anything for her.

Without missing a beat, she smirked, turned to me, and replied, "You're the one who wanted a Big Ass TV."

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📅︎ Sep 19 2022
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Winter time it gets quite cold.

I was chatting with my dad and today is one of the coldest days in the year where we stay. Whilst having this chat, he just looks at me points at his phone and says excitedly

"it's so cold the screen has frozen!"

It wasn't just the screen, he took a screenshot and tried to press on icons to open them I saw it was an image but it was still quite funny.

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👤︎ u/DrTea123
📅︎ Jul 24 2021
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My wife and I watched 3 movies back to back last night.

Luckily I was the one facing the screen.

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👤︎ u/deedubya8
📅︎ Dec 31 2020
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The funniest thing my dad has said

My dad and I were watching tv one night and the screen suddenly goes black. After watching the blank screen for a good 10 seconds, he finally breaks the silence by saying "If anyone were to peer in at us right now, they'd think we're insane."

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📅︎ Oct 27 2013
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Color Pun Riddles

Q: What do you do if a piece of purple fruit gets stuck in the drain and clogs it?

A: Call the plumber.


Q: What do you do if you live in a purple house and the lights go out?

A: Go to the fuchsia box.


Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?

A: Make them do limeout.


Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?

A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.


(I've posted these on various places on the web outside of Reddit over the years under various screen names.)

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📅︎ Mar 23 2018
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Dad joked my friend on Skype by video call.

I was talking to a friend on Skype; at one point, I realised that I had to go to the bathroom.

"I'll be right back, I have to pee," I said.

"All right sure," she replied.

When I left, I put my laptop on the floor, the screen facing upwards, so as to avoid the ventilator being drowned by my duvet.

When I returned, I realised the webcam was pointing toward the ceiling, and I asked her:

"Did you find my ceiling interesting?"'

"Nah, I was looking at something else,"

And then, I saw my chance. It was glorious. Like golden wings borne on scarlet sunlight had brought me to Enlightenment, and I instantly replied with what is perhaps my greatest feat of pun yet:

"You know, that really hurts my ceilings."

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📅︎ Aug 25 2014
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A good friend of mine, who is a father, sent me an original joke of his creation today, an I wanted to share it because it was pretty good

He's someone who has been very creative in his ways when he delivers his jokes to his victims, I'm a bit ashamed I didn't see this one coming

He called me on the phone, saying he needed help with doing something, sounding fairly serious on phone. He said "soljakwinever I need your help with something on amazon. I keep searching for lighters and it's not working right. Can you open it on your phone for me" Recently he's been asking me for help with some computer stuff, I built it for him lately and it's got nothing problems, blue screens over stuff, he's very smart but I wouldn't say he's anywhere near 'tech-literate'. But his is getting issues like I've never seen. So I assumed he needed help with something like that. I answered "Sure Bryan. Let my just open the app." Pulling Amazon up on my phone. "So what did you need help with? Something about lighters" I ask. He replies still sounding serious "I keep searching for lighters and the app keeps showing me matches. Can you try it and see if that happens to me too." I type 'Lighter' into the search bar, submit the search and looking at my results, seeing product listings for lighters. "Looks normal to me. I'm seeing nothing but lighters" He responds starting to crack "Yeah! Nothing but matches!"

I got played.

EDIT: Wording fix

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📅︎ Aug 12 2019
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Pulled a dad joke will working on the coffee maker.

Recently we got a Keurig in the house, after 20 minutes and one frozen touch screen later I uttered the phrase this thing must run on Java.

It took me a second after hearing the groans.

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📅︎ Sep 28 2014
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Dad joked the gf

When I was skyping with my girlfriend last night at one point she got up to close the door but as she did it she said to me "hold on." So I waited for her to leave the screen and then immediately scribbled the word "On" onto a piece of paper and then held it up in front of the webcam, and screamed "Got It!" She sat down confused wondering what I had and then after reading the words she fell back in her bed laughing.

Tl;dr I held "on"

👍︎ 13
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📅︎ May 04 2014
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Playing GTA5

Last night I played GTA 5, and I was inside one of those neat clothing stores to buy a suit. I bought a suit, I return to my character, and out of nowhere there was a public transport bus in the middle of the store. I reacted with what the hack, and my dad looks at my screen and says: ah I see, you must be in one of those new Hugo buss stores.

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👤︎ u/mrkklppr
📅︎ Jan 07 2015
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Hit my family while watching jack the giant slayer...

While watching said movie; one of the little people actors popped up on screen spurring a mid movie discussion.

Mom : wasn't he from willow?

Dad: nawh I think he died a few years ago.

Mom: he died young I guess. He was what, 18 in willow?

Me: yeah it's scientifically proven that they live shorter lives.

Then my dad let out the proudest smile I ever saw

Clarification: they're all fine. Warwick davis is alive and well. He is now 44 years old. And I'm 24

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👤︎ u/ohcrayyy
📅︎ Apr 19 2014
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I got the McDonald's drive thru guy with this one

After I ordered my breakfast this morning and saw the total on the screen, my plan was hatched. I pulled up to the first window and the attendant told me my total.

"$7.11," he said.

"Circle K," I replied as I handed him my debit card.

My daughter actually laughed as she witnessed this one. All I usually get out of her is an eye roll.

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📅︎ Jan 27 2016
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My father on modern art

My parents visited me last weekend. Short on ideas, we decided to hit up a widely-respected art museum. They had some new exhibitions, some of which were a little outside our personal tastes and expectations.

We walked into a photography exhibit and saw, along one wall, a sheet of green. This sheet of green was a little higher and taller than the average door, and stretched all the way down that bit of wall plus a few feet onto the floor.

"Oh," I said, "a green screen. That's kind of a neat little thing to have here. Sort of an homage to that style of film, I guess?"

Little did I know. In hindsight, I don't know why I expected anything different.

My father and I approached the plaque beside it. There we learned the truth: This was not a green screen. No. No, this was a specially printed photograph.

A photograph... of a green screen.

There we stood, astonished at the audacity of the thing before us. "My God," I said aloud, "This, right here, this is something else. This is just plain genius. Can you imagine getting money for something like this? Why didn't we come up with this? This is gold!"

To which my dad simply responded, "No, son...

... it's green."

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👤︎ u/Habefiet
📅︎ May 31 2016
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So my dad bought a TV

I came home one day to find we had a new big screen television. It has some pretty stunning high definition and I said "Man, that resolution is SHARP"

Without missing a beat, my old man replied "Nope. Sony."

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📅︎ Jul 30 2013
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Dad loves using this one whenever it comes up during movies...

Actor: "FIRE AT WILL!"

Dad: "Okay! Which one's Will?!"

Followed by an intense stare at the screen.

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👤︎ u/RHPM
📅︎ Oct 06 2013
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(NAD) My sister was on her phone

Sister's sitting on her phone.

Me doing my job as a little bro and being nosy- "So, who ya texting."

Sister- "No one."

Me- "Well, what are you doing then."

Her- "Just sitting on my phone."

Me-"Woh! I hope you don't crack the screen."

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👤︎ u/PrairieKid
📅︎ Oct 27 2013
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Heard this one while visiting my parents...

Me: Goddamn flies...

Dad: Did you hear the one about the fly who tried to fly through the screen door?

Me: Nooo....?

Dad: He strained himself.

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👤︎ u/Eptar
📅︎ Feb 18 2014
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Two dad jokes in two days.

Yesterday I was watching T.V. with my family when a commercial for the new Honda Fit came on. If you've never seen it, the basic gist is, people ask the main man "Will (blank) fit in?" Two minotaurs come on screen and ask and here's what happened:

Mom: I really doubt a Minotaur would fit.

Dad: Maybe they're Mini-taurs.

Groans were had by all.

For the second one I was texting a friend and she said:

Her: I think I have a problem. I've ate ham almost nonstop since that party. Now I'm really sad it's almost gone. I might be addicted.

Me: I guess you'll have to quit cold ham.

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📅︎ Sep 15 2014
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Watching tv with my grandfather

So imagine everything my grandfather saying in a really redneck southern accent.

We're watching tv and one of the lead actors comes on screen. Conversation as follows Aunt: "I think that young man is wearing a girl's shirt" Grandfather: "damn. Is he one of those homosapiens?" Me: "granddaddy. You are a homosapien" Grandfather: "don't talk to me like that!"

👍︎ 3
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📅︎ Dec 12 2013
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Met a guy who told us he was an executive coach.

"Oh, is that one of the ones with TV screens and a toilet?"

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📅︎ Sep 20 2013
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