I immediately bellowed "REMEMBERRRRRR THE AALLAMOOODE!
Not kidding pulled this up in real time. Pretty proud of it
I failed Spanish in high school, so I came home with a long stem rose and a chicken.
When I got there I saw a guy standing on my watch and harassing this girl. So, I knocked him out! Nobody messes with women on my watch!
My son asked me a question about a rock mine. It was Coryβs quarry query.
I was like "no whey!"
She wasnβt happy with me apparently I picked 7up
I guess it was an UPS-trucktion
She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up
So we took the See-Nick-Route.
He told me that I ought to try it as itβs a fantastic experience.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
The HIGH-way!
"That's a sound prediction," I concurred.
I said "her name was Reese something" and my mom replied "WITHERSPOON???" but I said, "No, with a knife"
It was disgusting on so many levels.
She just grunted. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.
Why do witches wear black?
So you canβt tell which witch is which!!!
It turned into a field.
I sat down in this bright green chair and out of nowhere, my voice changed. I started talking funny. My buddy says β Oh yeah, that there is the new accent chair.β
It looked like they were having a drug deal. Must have been looking to make a quick buck.
(I used this joke on my dad and he thinks my wife is pregnant now)
It was really hauling ass
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
She looked really angry when I came home with sugar cubes.
Dad: damn! What will those kids throw at you next?
Queso we needed some more.
.
I may have peaked with this one, guys.
Okay so I get off at 4:00 and I didn't waste any time leaving the office. Shut down my computer, grabbed my keys, and I was on the road by 4:05. It had been a pretty crazy day and I was ready to get home.
As I'm driving home I notice I'm running on Empty. I probably could have made it home but I was really craving a Coca Cola so I decide to stop at the nearest gas station.
Anyways I'm filling my tank I see an old lady a few gas pumps away putting gas in her old beat up station wagon but didn't really think anything of it and just continued to enjoy my icey cold Coca Cola.
Next thing I know I see this old lady holding the gas pump nozzle spewing gas everywhere. I guess she had taken the nozzle out of the vehicle w out disengaging the automatic trigger or whatever but it went EVERYWHERE. Her car, her arms, the ground, all over the place and by the time she got that thing to stop spraying there was at least a gallon of gas everywhere.
So I immediately run over to see if she's okay and she smells like straight up gas. I gave her napkins to dry off her hands and to clean what gas was spilled on the car. She said she was okay and thanked me for my help so I leave and head home.
So now I'm a few blocks from home, driving over the last hill right before my next turn and all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere, she comes flyin past me in that same old beat up station wagon with, I shit you not, her arm CAUGHT ON FIRE. And as if that's not bad enough there are two cops right behind her in hot pursuit. So while I'm freaking out trying to pull over to the side she zooms past so fast I barely catch a glimpse of her frantically flailing her arm out the window as they all go over the hill.
At that point couldn't believe what I was seeing it was just too crazy. So I quickly get back on the road and make my way over the hill and I spot her. She's pulled over in the emergency lane. I see the same old lady being handcuffed and put in the back of the squad car.
Yeah turns out she was arrested for waiving a fire arm in public.
Β―_(γ)_/Β―
I put it down before leaving the store, though. Wouldn't want to get into the habit of shoplifting.
I asked if it wanted anything to eat. It said, Brr grr
Credit: my 8th grade English teacher
The sign said it was 25 miles. That's a HUGE rest area!
It was an enLIGHTNING experience
When I got home I told her I was exhausted from all the naan stop grocery errands she sent me on
My parents and I were on our way home for spring break when my dad noticed a liquor store called "The Wine Spot." He pulled into the parking lot and started complaining "I'M TIRED, MY FEET HURT, I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE HOME" and pulled right back out. I didn't get it at first but my mom did and then I quickly followed and just lost it. Best dad joke he's done so far :')
Who is this?
My mom was worried that we had a feral animal of some kind on the loose in the neighborhood. She said to my dad, "How close were they?" My dad's response was, "Well I don't know what kind of relationship they had, honey."
"I'd go back for it, but I don't have the time."
We drove to Florida from the midwest for vacation last week. After fun in the sun all week, it was time to go home on Saturday. We had lots of movies for our 3 kids to watch including Hugo, which they had never seen.
My 3 year old doesn't like movies that aren't animated so as soon as she saw I was getting Hugo she starts up the whining: "I don't want to watch that, waa aah" and so on. So I turn around in my seat (the wife was driving) and say "We'll then, why don't Hugo to sleep."
Dad: Did you take some tums to help?
She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up.
I didn't realize i picked 7 up
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins...
I think she still regrets letting me name the kids.
I think she regrets letting me name our kids.
