And on that note
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︎ May 11 2021
my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
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︎ Apr 30 2021
There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..
..they make me feel even number.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
My dad wanted to post something on Reddit and I told him thereโs specific subs he would want to post on and certain ways to post
And he responded โoh so thereโs reddiquette to it thenโ
(Also heโs on Reddit now so if he sees this then hi dad)
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︎ May 04 2021
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, โYouโre an 8 on a scale of 10.โ
I still donโt get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
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︎ Mar 16 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iโm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerโฆ.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! โค๏ธ
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Whatโs the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
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︎ May 19 2021
My friend and I are working on a tight deadline in our Dracula action figure business.
I have to make every second Count.
๐︎ 109
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︎ May 15 2021
My roof caved in on me... and I no longer feel safe.
I think I have truss issues
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︎ May 12 2021
I was going to the moon on vacation and I read it gets to -280 degrees at night,
I might need a space heater.
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︎ May 14 2021
If you are on the first floor of a building, and someone one the second floor is being arrested, are you...
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︎ May 18 2021
I called my wife and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home.
She just grunted. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.
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︎ May 05 2021
Got drunk yesterday and puked in the elevator on my way back home.
It was disgusting on so many levels.
๐︎ 255
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︎ Apr 29 2021
You do know that modern appliances are really spying on us, and sending back data on our habits. In fact..
Vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years.
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︎ Apr 23 2021
I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesnโt come with a driver.
I canโt believe I have nothing to chauffer it.
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︎ May 14 2021
Just spent $300 on hiring a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and have nothing to chauffer it.
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︎ Jan 29 2021
My friend has been going on and on at me to stop doing flamingo impressions.
In the end, I had to put my foot down.
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︎ May 16 2021
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle, and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
edit: had to delete original post, due to misspelling in the title.
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︎ May 15 2021
A coworker of mine spilled boiling hot coffee on my leg and had the nerve to ask where it hurts
๐︎ 50
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︎ Apr 15 2021
I've placed simultaneous orders for a rotisserie chicken on Uber Eats, and for an egg omelette on DoorDash
Looks like we're about to find out, once and for all, what comes first!
๐︎ 100
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︎ Apr 06 2021
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
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︎ May 03 2021
Doc, it hurts when I poke myself on the shoulder and when I poke myself on the forehead and when I poke myself in the thigh.
Doc: Your finger is broken.
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︎ May 12 2021
My neighbor is stalking me by looking me up on Google and checking my social media every hour
I saw it through my telescope last night
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︎ May 02 2021
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies...
Is this a trick question?
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︎ Jan 16 2021
I posted this on r/eyebleach and in the end it got heavily downvoted but I wasn't missing the opportunity to post a terrible pun
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︎ May 18 2021
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says .....
๐︎ 30
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︎ Apr 21 2021
I went to dinner with a couple of Vikings and they kept tapping on the table and laughing. I finally asked what was so funny and they said:
โYou wouldnโt get it, itโs Norse codeโ
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︎ Mar 28 2021
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
๐︎ 354
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︎ Mar 10 2021
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
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︎ Mar 24 2021
Ordered Eggs Benedict at a diner and they served it to me on a hubcap.
Thereโs no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
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︎ May 15 2021
After Orville and Wilburโs first horrific and fatal plane-accident leaving their remains scattered on the tarmac, the chief medical examiner approaching what was left of them simply asked:
โAre you all Wright?!โ
๐︎ 6
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︎ Apr 15 2021
My wife looked at my son (7) yesterday and told him his shoes were on the wrong feet
Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"
Proud dad moment!
๐︎ 15k
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︎ Dec 30 2020
When you see birds flying in a V and there are more birds on one side, why is that?
Because there are more birds on that side.
Zinger from my father-in-law.
Edit: This is word for word. Thanks everyone for trying to make it better.
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︎ May 20 2021
Patients who recover on Saturdays and Sundays have a weekend immune system.
๐︎ 13
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︎ Apr 30 2021
A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.
๐︎ 3k
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︎ Jan 24 2021
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were down on their luck.
They took one of their prized possessionsโThe Star of The Empire, one of the worlds largest diamondsโto a famous yet discreet pawn shop outside of Las Vegas to ask for a loan.
The pawnbroker said "So I talked to my buddy who is an expert in diamonds to get his opinion. I can give you $200,000 for it."
Prince Harry said "You must be joking, I had this appraised at nearly 2 million pounds! Don't you know who I am, I'm a prince! My mother is Queen of The United Kingdom, Elizabeth II!!"
The pawnbroker said "$200k, take it or leave it. When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are..."
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︎ May 12 2021
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
๐︎ 85
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︎ Apr 09 2021
If someone is burnt and needs a skin graft, can I donate the skin tissue on my butt?
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︎ May 25 2021
Went to the doctor and he used the defibrilator on me!
๐︎ 9
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︎ May 21 2021
One of the world leaders is actually an alien hellbent on taking over the world and I know who it is!
It's crazy but it's Trudeau
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︎ May 08 2021
I got bit by a Japanese mosquito on the leg, now I got a Japanese one and two
๐︎ 11
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︎ May 18 2021
Finally took my chances and went put on the pull with my new aftershave called breadcrumbs
Complete success! The birds love it
๐︎ 2
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︎ May 07 2021
A guardโs boss didnโt bother congratulate him on his recent success and started to cry.
Seeing this, a robber sneaked past, and when the boss ended up being in the next room, the boss asked, โhowโd you get past security?โ In response to this, the robber said โyou let your guard down.โ
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︎ May 25 2021
My boss walked into my office this morning and handed me a brochure on anger management.
๐︎ 30
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︎ Apr 17 2021
My fiancรฉe and I were on a hike.
There was a detour to get to an overlook to see a waterfall. When we reached the overlook, there was thick shrubbery in front of us blocking the view of the waterfall.
Fiancรฉe: Ugh, I can hear the falls but I can't see it.
Me: I guess it wasn't an overlook, it was an overhear.
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︎ May 17 2021
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, "No the steaks are too high."
๐︎ 78
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︎ Apr 01 2021
2 women in a restaurant, when a duck walks in with a huge bunch of flowers. He places them on the table and says,
"You two ladies are so beautiful with sparkling eyes. "
One of the women stopped him, called the waiter over and said, I ordered AROMATIC duck."
๐︎ 12
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︎ May 10 2021
I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
๐︎ 56
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︎ Apr 30 2021
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
๐︎ 34
๐
︎ Apr 27 2021
My brother and I are working on a tight deadline in making Dracula action figures.
I have to make every second Count.
๐︎ 43
๐
︎ Apr 15 2021
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