Oh Yeah Puns

"Ok, well, I've got a tube of glue"

"Ha, I've got an entire tin of glue"

"I've got... Bread"

"Damn it, you win. I can't handle that with my glue tin 'n taller ants"

He yells "yeah my left one, my right one, and a weeKNEE!" Child giggles ensue. Instilling dad jokes at a young age. Dadding done right. (:

Well we introduced sex to women

Friend: You tried Yakiniku when you were in Japan?

Me: Yeah.

Friend: What kind?
Me: I had horumon

Friend: Oh... that's offal.

Me: It really was.

Guy (being bugged by his kids in the background) replies, “Yeah, can I put 9 and 12 year olds in your recycle containers?” I replied, without skipping a beat, “Oh, no. I’m so sorry, We JUST stopped accepting those ages. We are currently taking 8 and 10 year olds.”

I was in charge of the fencing. The construction site was almost finished, and it was only this and the landscaping remaining. I did the first couple posts, but then I went to lunch, and when I came back, they were gone. I did as much as I could until the day ended, and I went home. I came back the next day, and they were all gone. I decided to speak to the contractor, and when I told him about the posts, he said “Oh, yeah. There’s tons of reposting on this site.”

Really

Oh yeah, people were lined up for blocks

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

Oh yeah, Salt-N-Pepa

He sits down and orders a beer

Then hears a soft voice say "That's a really good color on you"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone, shrugs, and sips his beer.

Shortly there after he hears another study voice whisper "That's a really nice tie"

Looking at the bartender the man says "Do you hear those voices? Because no one else is here except you and me!"

The bartender says "Oh yeah.. Sorry about that.. Its the peanuts, they are complimentary"

Me: ...no, why? Is another one of your stupid jokes again?

Dad: No, no, no. I read it on my Yahoos and thought it was weird.

Me: Oh... yeah, that is weird I guess.

Dad: It would've been funny if that joke had a punchline, wooden tit?

Me: Dad, no.

Oh yeah, I'm a gamer. A gay Mercedes.

(Gay means happy too!)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Puns

Me: Hey, have you seen the last east episode of TMNT?

Friend: Yeah, I have! It was turtally awesome!

Me: ...Are you seriously gonna keep reusing that one, or should I expect something new? You’ve been using that one for awhile.

Friend: Oh, I’m sorry, do you want me to shell out some more puns? I’ve got a million of 'em, folks! I’ll be here all week!

Me: sighs in exasperation

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"

The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."

"Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"

"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"

She said she was watching Governor Cuomo hold a press conference.

I said "oh, yeah? Cuomo esta with him?"

but the only way out was from the roof. They got up there, before realizing they didn’t have any rope. One guy says, “Oh yeah! I’ve got a flashlight! Ill point it to the ground and you can climb down the beam.” The other guy says, “What, am I crazy? I’d get half way down and you’d turn it off!”

Daughter: I made a new friend.

Me: Oh thats great!

Daughter: Yeah! Her names Belle.

Me: Does she dingalingaling?

Daughter: DAD!!!! NO!!!!

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

The first one stops and says 'Oh, no! I think i've lost an electron!" The second one says 'are you sure?' The first one says 'Yeah, I'm positive'

I will ask people where they like to get a good burger, usual suspects arise and I ask them if they've ever had 5 guys.

They'll respond oh yeah their burgers are great!

I'll respond with when was the last time you did 5 guys?

They'll say oh a couple weeks ago...

I'll say were you sore after?!? Then give it 3 seconds before they get it.

So a guy decides he wants to buy the world's most unique pet. He goes to the pet store.

He looks at a cat and a dog. Not unique enough.

He looks at a hamster and a guinea pig. Please.

The pet store guy shows him a porpoise in a tank. He says "what's unique about that" and the pet store guy says "this one will live forever".

So he buys two.

He takes them home and puts them in his bathtub.

He feeds them. He tries feeding them fish, shrimp, waffles, everything. They won't eat anything.

So he goes back to the pet store, and says "they won't eat anything I give them" and the pet store guy says "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, the only thing they will eat is mynah birds."

He says "mynah birds. Really?" and the pet store guy says "yep".

So he buys a couple mynah birds and takes them home.

When he gets home, there's a lion sleeping on his front step. Yes, a lion.

He thinks, that's a little strange, but I've got these mynahs and I've got to feed my pets. So he steps over the sleeping lion and takes the mynahs inside.

Just then, a cop jumps out of the bushes and arrests him.

He says "come on! What's the charge"

And the cop says

"transporting mynahs across a sedate lion for immortal porpoises"

(This just transpired: I got sweaty cleaning out my shower and walked into the hall to cool off.)

Me to my SO: Shower is clean.

SO: oh good. Ew. You're gross

Me: yeah. I'm sweating.

14 y/o from down the hall in her room while painting her nails yells: "HI SWEATING!"

(I'm so proud)

Buddy: Wait, so their idea was, "Your son is the devil, we can fix that with a bone marrow transplant and a virus?"

Me: No, I think they were lying about the retrovirus and just putting holy water and stuff into the marrow to exorcise him. That is my guess because they were just nuns, not real doctors.

Buddy: But, when he was freaking out at the end didn't the nurse say, "The gene therapy would have worked, but he was just too strong!"

Me: Oh yeah, maybe they had some of Jesus's DNA. So, instead of the CRISPR gene they use the CHRISTR gene....

I got an eye roll! No kids yet, but at least I know I can rise to the occasion.

I said, “Oh yeah? Just you wait.”

Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon

Me: Oh jeez

Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed

Me: Oh my god what happened

Dad: He ran out of gas

(From Abbott and Costello’s radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if I’d have been wearing a license plate, he’d have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen — in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother — Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen, I’m not talking about that. What is the dog’s breed?
Lou Costello: What does he breed? He breeds through his nose, like you and me!
Bud Abbott: No, no, no, you dummy, what kind of dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a little.
Bud Abbott: Look, there are different types of dogs, such as Setters, and Pointers, …
Lou Costello: That’s it, Abbott! He’s a Setter-Pointer!
Bud Abbott: A Setter-Pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox! (Editor’s note: we now call an “icebox” a “refrigerator”)

Her: “Yeah we read Alice in Wonderworld today!”

Me: “Oh yeah that’s the one down in Florida, right?”

I can’t wait to have my own kids and fully ascend.

My boss was complaining she really needed a nap. I told her she should just go take one.

Boss "Oh yeah cause taking a nap right now would be so easy."

Me "Its so easy you can do it with your eyes closed..."

Cue her rolling her eyes and shaking her head. My director peaked his head out and nodded approvingly though. Respect.

"Oh yeah. You should see the other guy!"

For my highschool, Prom is this weekend. A group of friends asked the guy behind me in class wether or not he was going. He said no. He then said...

"I promise to go next year"

Then I turned around and said...

"Oh. You... PROM-ise to go next year?"

He said yeah then went back to work. 5 seconds later he slowly looked up at me with the "really?" Expression.

Worth it.

Me: Oh yeah, what was it on?

Her: Paper.

I was so proud.

Scene: Dinner for my mom's birthday at a very nice (expensive) restaurant.

Waitress: Your steak comes with a choice of the vegetable of the day or a twice baked potato.

Me: Are twice baked potatoes and refried beans prepared similar ways or is that just a naming coincidence?

W: Laughing Oh my God. Our bartender and I were just talking about funny "dad jokes" on reddit! I didn't expect to hear one in person. Do you use reddit?

M: Umm... Yeah... I actually follow r/dadjokes but I'm not a dad and

W: You should post that joke there!

I have no idea if she will see this but my wife said I had to let everyone know about a redditor interaction. I hope she does because the food was awesome and she was a fantastic waitress beyond being a fellow redditor.

I still have no idea if twice baked potatoes and refried beans have any link...

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

"I must have forgotten that Trump set the bar so low" he mumbled as he picked himself up and staggered into the bar and grill next to it. Upon seeing him, the bartender said, "hey!" The horse said, "neigh... but I'll take one for the road." The asphalt in the corner said, "thanks horse. Why the big pause?" The horse replied, "oh this is my friend the bear. He was born with big pas." "Yeah," said the bear. "I was adopted by two grizzly fathers. Turns out they weren't koala-fied to give birth to me." "Ugh," said the chicken after seeing how late it is. "I'm late to get to the other side of the road. See ya all later!"

He says to the dentist:

Dad: "You know, I've noticed something strange about our relationship."

Dentist: "oh yeah, what's that?"

Dad: "Well most people like me less after I open my mouth around them, but I actually like you less after I open my mouth around you."

Him: I lost my marbles!

Me: Oh?

Him: Yeah, and they were sentiMENTAL to me!

He then laughed and put his hand up for a high five. He is truly his fathers son:) My husband is very proud!

Wife - making a lovely dish of Shrimp Fra Diavolo goes to put the shrimp in the pasta - "Oh crap, I forgot to take the tails off."

Me - "Yeah, I guess this dish is all about the DE-TAILS."

She told me to go set the table.

I looked around but didn't see anyone, then suddenly heard, “Beautiful suit!”

Wondering what was going on, I saw the bartender, walked up to him and asked, “I heard a voice talking about my suit and tie and that they looked cool, but no one’s around. Dude, what’s up?!”

The bartender smiled, “Oh yeah, those are the peanuts. They’re complimentary!”

"Oh,yeah?" I answered, "Well, I'll die even if it's the last thing I do!"

I recently tore all the ligaments in my ankle and I’m still in rehab. I was on the sidewalk concentrating on my crutches when a construction worker popped up in front of me. Initially I thought he was going to tell me I was walking under something dangerous; halfway through I thought he was going to ask me out; then Jesus happened:

“Hey, that looks like it hurts!”

“Naw, it’s not bad, it’s much better now.”

“Running? Skiing? How’d you do it?”

“Rock climbing.”

“Rock climbing! Wow, so you must be strong, eh?”

“Yeah, I’m ripped.”

“ … ripped? Really?”

“Yeah, I’m super ripped.”

“ … oh. Wow. Not joking.”

“Yeah, I’m joking. I’m not actually ripped.”

“ … ahaha … hah. That was good.”

“Yep.”

“So, I’m Christian.”

“Hi, Christian.”

“... and I don’t know if you’ve read the Bible, but the Bible says that laying on of hands, especially for our fellow Christians, will heal. And I’ve …” etc.

It took me a block to realize that I’d accidentally made a Dad joke.

Me: signs document

Banker: "Oh, sorry, you also have to swear to the information on this paper"

Me: "Well, that's kinda weird."

Banker: "Yeah, since this is a sworn document, you have to swear. It's weird, I know."

holds up piece of paper and makes a concentrated face

"Fuck!"

"Oh yeah? How'd you know?"
"You have small pupils..."
Told to me by the octogenarian Navy vet at breakfast today. He then said when he told that joke last, they asked him to leave.

Wife: The Flash is my favorite superhero!

Me: Why? Is it because he's hot?

Wife: What?

Me: Yeah, the 'Hot Flash'!

Wife: Thinking..... Oh my God... I get it now. Rolls eyes

I came home for a weekend and my mother was catching me up on some current events in the family.

Her: Oh yeah, your cousin has enlisted in the Navy and he's going to training pretty soon.

Me: Wow, how does the family feel about that?

Her: What do you mean?

Me: Well, are they... pause... All aboard with the idea?

both can't contain laughter

Everyone in my family is witty and we all love dad jokes so we always have a good time around the dinner table.

Gf: Why do fish always sing off-key?

Me: ... They don't know their scales?

GF: Good guess, but it's because you can't tuna fish.

Me: Oh, I mistook this for "Why are fish always perfectly pitched?" "Because they know their scales so well!"

GF: Yeah. You got that...

•_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■) Bass-ackwards.

"Oh yeah you're Eye-rish"

I made this up in 3rd grade but still thinks its funny

Me: You know, they say porcupines are one of the smartest animals on Earth.
Wife/kids: Oh yeah?
Me: Yeah, science has proven that they're pretty sharp.

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.

“Daddy, may I ask you a question ?”

“Yeah, sure, what is it ?” replied the man.

“Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?”

“That’s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.

“I just want to know.  Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?” pleaded the little boy.

“If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.”

“Oh,” the little boy replied, head bowed.

Looking up, he said, “Daddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?”

The father was furious. “If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.   Think about why you’re being so selfish.  I work long, hard hours every day and don’t have time for such childish games.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning.  How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.  May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.

The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.  “Are you asleep son?” he asked.

“No daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.

“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,” said the man.  “It’s been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here’s that $9.00 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, beaming.

“Oh, thank you daddy!” he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.  The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

“Why did you want more money if you already had some?” the father grumbled.

“Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.

“Daddy, I have $20.00 now.  Can I buy an hour of your time?”

The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said "Overtime is double pay."

"There's a whole section on it," I said.

"Oh yeah?"

"...Hebrews."

Dad: "I went on date with a girl with a lazy eye once..."

Me: "Oh yeah?"

Dad: "I got up and left because she was seeing someone else."

Me: "Fuck offfff"

A cure for...

NARCOLEPSY?

Huh? Oh, yeah...

Wife: Hey, your sister's wedding is coming up, what do you wanna get her for a gift?

Me: I have no idea. What do you think she'd like?

Wife: Well, she mentioned to your mom that she could really use a comforter for their new bedroom set

Me: A comforter? Oh, yeah, I got that covered.

Wife: You do?

Me: Yeah! Starts rubbing her arm gently

Wife: Wh-what.. are you doing?

Me: shhhhh... it's okayyyy.

Wife: What? What're you doing?

Me: Being a comforter!

(This was before we got married, and she still brings it up to this day for being the most ridiculous dad joke she's ever heard.)

So I was pouring a cup of coffee when the lip of the cup caught on the spout of the coffee pot causing some hot coffee to splash on my hand, instinctively I yanked my hand away like a scalded cat.

Customer: "oh my God, are you ok?!”

Me: "Yeah, it's fine. It's only a..Light Roast."

Wife says she's going to go finish cutting the grass (I am still recovering from shoulder surgery) and I told her "don't forget outside the fence."

To which she responded "nope. That's where I draw the line...."

So, of course, I responded "oh yeah? Well do ya know where I draw the line??"

"Hmm..."

"On paper!"

At which point she rolled her eyes and walked out to the garage...

Rear ended a car at a stop sign. Guy jumps out and starts walking back to my car -turns out he is a little person so I roll my window down and he says; “I’m not happy”. So I look down I and say; “Oh yeah? Then which one are you?”

Bee was making a list for her New Year’s Eve party. She asked her friend Grasshopper for help.

“Who should I invite?” “How about those ants that’ve been your next door neighbors for years? You invite them every year.” “I guess so… I find them a bit old-fashioned though.” “I think they’re quaint. Also you should invite the new young ant family down the street.” “Yeah, they seem so nice.”

Bee sent out most of her invites but in her rush forgot her next door neighbors. New Year’s Eve came and the party started at Bee’s house. Grasshopper came early to help Bee out as always, and noticed the unsent invites on the counter. Oh well, too late. The doorbell rang and Grasshopper went to open the door. It was the ants from next door.

And so it came to be that Grasshopper said to himself on New Year’s Eve:

“Shoot, the older quaint ants Bee forgot.”

I recently purchased a new bed and had the joy of trying to find all the necessary accessories for a California King bed. After spending a full Sunday with my girlfriend bouncing around different home stores, we finally have all the sheets, duvet covers and bed skirts we need. We've assembled our new frame and I start putting the bedding on our mattress. I'm struggling with getting everything put on and call out, "uh oh, I think we got some phony pillow cases."

Fear and anxiety paint her face as she rushes over and asks "what's wrong?!"

I quip back at her, "yeah, this thing is a sham!"

We were on the road, and she was complaining about having sore hands.

Me: Do you think your hands are sore because all you've done today is drive us all places?

Wife: Yeah - too much time gripping this steering wheel.

Me: Oh, that's carpool tunnel syndrome.

After a a solid few minutes of silence my dad comes out of nowhere with this:

Him: "I'd love to live in Switzerland."

Me: "Really? Why?"

Him: "Yeah! The chocolate, the cheese....Oh and the flag's a big plus!"

My dad stayed home from work today, and I asked him if he stayed home for a specific reason, as I needed some help with my car. He said, "Yeah, I've got a problem with my eyes." I said, 'Oh, shit, really?', "Yeah, I couldn't see myself going into work today."

.....God damnit lol

I'm a college kid that works fast food part time to pay the bills. However, I managed to get two of my friends jobs there aswell, and our manager is pretty cool. So we have good times there and it's never quiet.

Anyway, I was bagging up an order, and my manager thought it would be funny to follow me and tell me exactly how to do everything; open the bag, put the box in the bag, receipt in the bag, blah blah blah and so on. Once I had handed out the order, she was like,

"Alright job, thanks to me".

I responded,

"Oh yeah you were great. They should promote you to micromanager."

Got a good laugh out of everybody, and it will be on my life's highlight reel if I have anything to say about it

"Hey dad, I tried that Indian bread you bought."

"Oh yeah? How was it?"

"Good! I tried putting it in the toaster but the top stuck out and didn't get toasted. Really, though, it's a naan issue."

I was Santa she was a naughty girl. 'Unfortunately you've been a naughty girl and you're on Santas naughty list and wont be receiving any presents this year.' 'oh no Santa i really want a present i'll do anything to get on your good list' 'oh i dont know if there is a way i'm afraid' you're just going to have to bend over my knee and take your spank now.' bare butt spanks occur 'Please Santa let me on your good list I'm begging you' 'Well come to think of it there is a Claus in the contract' .... Then realising the accidental Santa Claus pun I made I had to be sure she got it. 'Get it! CLAUS HHAHAHA CLAUS LIKE SANTA CLAUS HAHAHAHHAA' yeah she didnt find it as funny as me... No sex for me..

Characters: My wife, my son (four years old), and my daughter (his twin, so obviously also four).

Son: "My classmate didn't like me laughing at her today."

Wife: "Why were you laughing at her?"

Son: "I'm a vampire! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

Wife: "OH! Like an evil laugh?"

Son: "Yeah! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

Daughter: "I'm a witch! Hee hee hee hee!"

Wife: "So you're both monsters?"

Son: "Yep!"

Daughter: "Hee hee hee hee!"

Wife: "Am I a monster too?"

Son: "Yeah! You're a ... " <dramatic pause> " ... mummy."

Whole family in hysterical laughter, and after it dies down he goes, "Get it!? Mummy!"

I've never been so proud. A spontaneously generated pun of that caliber at four years old, AND an unnecessary clarification/repetition of the joke? I've got high hopes for this one.

Nan-"watched a great movie today"

Me-"oh yeah, what's it about?"

Nan-"about an hour and a half"

I'm not a dad, but my lame humor is sending me in the right direction. My girlfriend and I were walking down the street and she turned to me and said, "Are you as tall as your parents?"

I responded, "Yeah, I'm actually taller than both of them."

She asked, "Then I wonder where you get your genes?"

I said, "Oh..... usually at the GAP."

Out riding in the car with my boyfriend this evening.

Me: The trees look really pretty in this lighting.

Him: Yeah they really do! That one pine tree has scoliosis.

Me: Oh, does it?

Him: Yeah! Do you see it?

[I see the tree he is referring to.]

Me: nodding yes

Him: (nonchalantly) I guess it's just the curvature of the pine.

I laughed really hard.

Brother in law, "you know our twins have already said their first words?" Sister, "Oh?" Brother in law: "Yeah... we're hungry, fetus!"

... I think there was even groaning in the uterus...

(she's working on a project that involves a fake plastic fish)

me: Isn't it weird that you don't see obese fish?

her: Yeah but that's because they just keep growing bigger.

me: Oh, I thought it was because they all have scales

Watching tv, and a tv spot for Godzilla comes on.

Me: That's going to be freaking awesome.

Dad: Oh yeah?

Me: Yeah, you know he's(Godzilla) the biggest he's ever been here.

Dad: No, he was bigger in Japan.

He was mighty pleased with himself.

Wife hands me a birthday card to sign for our nephew...

Me: "Where is his birthday party again?"

Wife: "It's at Stars and Strikes today."

Me: "Oh man!!! I wish I could go, but I have to work."

Wife: "Yeah, I know. It's right up your alley!"

I ordered a l dry erase calendar from Amazon, and it arrived today. My wife got the package asked me "Honey, did you order something off of Amazon?" Me "oh yeah, it's my penis enlarger" Her "ha ha. It's a really big box" Me "damnit, they sent the wrong thing"

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

“Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.”

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

“Son I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.”

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

“Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.”

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

“Hey there,” says the recruit. “is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!”

The crewman says “Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”

I said, “Oh yeah? Just you wait.”

I said, “Oh yeah? Just you wait!”

I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”

MAKE AMERICA GRAPE AGAIN

Oh yeah

Oh yeah? Which one?

Wife says she heard a great joke on the elevator.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, it worked on so many levels", followed by her laughing that she finally got me.

I gave her the customary groan that she wanted, and replied "Good one, you're going to make such a good dad some day!".

I got the last groan.