My wife looked at the baby monitor and said, "Oh, the baby is stirring."
I said, "Well, take away his spoon!"
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 26 2021
I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filling with tears. "Great!" I said.
"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"
π︎ 92
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
Oh my baby heβs drowning!!!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
Oh NO!!! Just found out I failed my German exam...
π︎ 22
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
My 4-year-old got crumbs in his eye and started rubbing his eye. He said it didn't hurt much and I said "Oh, so it's just a little irritating?"
He said "No, it's eye-itating."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
Oh damn guess I get to keep my tip
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jul 05 2020
oh my god
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
Me: βOh, I wish Iβd listened to my motherβ Friend: βWhy? Whatβd she tell you?β
Me: βI donβt know, I wasnβt listeningβ
π︎ 17
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
Oh My Gourd! I Made These Gift Card Holders!
π︎ 16
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
Oh sheet.. look at my S!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: βsir, would you like to go out with the cart?β. To which I replied βoh, no thanks Iβm actually marriedβ. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Nov 30 2019
Wife: Oh my god why have you got that huge lizard?
Husband: You said we needed a baby monitor!!
π︎ 11
π
︎ Nov 24 2020
I found a cool rock in my father-in-law's yard. FIL- Oh that's a native American fertility stone. Me- Really! How can you tell? FIL- ....
π︎ 41
π
︎ Oct 24 2020
My 3yo is in a phase where he makes up words a lot, and today I heard him singing "Crotch-ohs, crotch-ohs" over and over. I told my wife, "That sounds like the worst breakfast cereal ever..."
"But at least it's made with whole groins."
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
βOh my God!β, my wife said, smiling, βour boy is...kicking.β
I said, βI know. I think thatβs how soccer works.β
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 26 2020
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jun 19 2019
"Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
"I know! And it's not working!"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
Oh my god i laughed hard
π︎ 2k
π
︎ May 13 2019
Oh my
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Oct 23 2018
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 19 2020
My wife during The Transporter: Oh look, it's Jason Stathamscope
π︎ 18
π
︎ Apr 23 2020
It's my b'day today, the big five oh.
As my son have me my 50th birthday card, I said " You know, i would have been happy with one"
πππ
π€£ππ
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
My wife started coming down with the flu, and I asked if she'd had some citrus. "Oh, I forgot," she said. To which I replied:
"Orange you glad I reminded you?"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 19 2020
Oh no! I found my son doing cokecane
π︎ 19
π
︎ Dec 21 2019
My 11 year old and I were at a grocery store. I got one of those flimsy bags to put peaches in. The bag ripped, my daughter laughed. I looked at her said oh no, I had a Bagcident. She stopped laughing.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Aug 30 2019
Oh no my pasta
π︎ 23
π
︎ Mar 29 2019
Overheard heard from an honest to goodness dad in the airport: Oh no, I ripped my sock...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 03 2020
Hey boss, I've been thinking about my next vacation. Boss: Oh?
Ya. I'm thinking of taking the rest of the year off
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 01 2020
I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, βOh sure. Iβm out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I donβt have anyone telling me what to do.β
I told him, βTurn right at the next corner.β
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 02 2020
Oh my God he's right
π︎ 36
π
︎ Jun 09 2019
Oh my God...
π︎ 49
π
︎ Feb 04 2019
A goose talking to duck at the local pond. βMy husbands gone away for a few weeks to Africaβ. βOh really.β Says the the Duck βUganda?β...
βNo Iβm a goose. My husband is a ganderβ
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 17 2020
oh.my.god.
π︎ 38
π
︎ May 14 2019
Looking at some fake fruit on the table, my dad said, βoh no!β
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 24 2019
Oh my back hurts!
From carrying around this sense of humour all day.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 03 2019
Mom: I hear that John's business is doing a lot better. How did he manage to get enough people to slow down on that stretch of highway to even notice his store? Dad: Oh, he followed my advice and put up a billboard.
"Nude Colony Ahead, Keep Your Eyes on the Road!"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 23 2019
Dad: "Oh my God!! This sucks!!"
Son: "what happened?!"
Dad: "this new vacuum is incredible"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 12 2019
Oh no, I left my credit card in my car, and it melted!
Man, talk about a liquid asset.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 25 2019
Oh my, look how the tables have turned
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 10 2019
Oh my.
π︎ 268
π
︎ Apr 24 2017
At work at PetSmart, little boy yells "guess what?! I have 3 knees!!" My manager takes the bait, says "oh yeah?"
He yells "yeah my left one, my right one, and a weeKNEE!" Child giggles ensue. Instilling dad jokes at a young age. Dadding done right. (:
π︎ 47
π
︎ May 27 2018
Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him "dad, please, no jokes." And he replies, "with what you're wearing, I won't need to." I roll my eyes and say, "oh, wow, sick burn dad."
I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".
He's a legend among my friends dads.
π︎ 659
π
︎ Jul 27 2017
βDo you think Jesus used to say βoh my dadβ?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 09 2019
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 05 2019
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!??????? DAD: No, it was with a knife
π︎ 25
π
︎ Nov 25 2018
βOh my God,β my wife said, smiling through her tears, βI think our son is....kicking.β
I said, βIsnβt that how soccer is supposed to work?β
π︎ 45
π
︎ Jan 01 2019
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 15 2019
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