How to earn a ton of money in 1 easy step
Put 5 female pigs and 5 male deers in your backyard.
Congratulations, you now have ten sows and bucks!
What do you call an army of 1 year olds?
In a world where people with superpowers make up 1% of the world population, people with two make up 1% of that 1%. These people born with two superhuman abilities are called squares.
Squares are raised to a second power.
There are 2 types of people in this world: 1: People who can extrapolate information based off of incomplete data
More than 1 000 pieces of music by Johann Sebastian Bach have been preserved,
along with nearly 900 by Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach, nearly 400 by Johann Christian Bach, more than 300 by Johann Christoph Friedrich Bach, and nearly 200 by Wilhelm Friedemann Bach.
Together with as many as 200 more surviving compositions by other members of the Bach dynasty, scholars estimate that about 3 000 works are preserved in total, a collection that we today know as the Baroque Bach mountain.
2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in
Hadn’t cleaned the house all year
Soldier 1: "zz~ WE'RE TAKING A LOT OF SHOTS OVER HERE!"
Soldier 2: "zz~ ALRIGHT, DON'T DRINK TOO MUCH!"
My day is full of conference calls, collaborations, and 1-on-1s. I wish they would all just go away...
...but then my life would be meetingless.
There are 2 types of people: 1) people who make inferences over low amounts of information
Why is the Supreme Leader of North Korea number 1.
Because he is Kim Jong-Un, not Kim Jong-Deux.
Plus his father passed away since he was Kim Jong-ill.
Did you hear about the cow that could produce 1,000 gallons of milk every day?
1 of the 2 women in my office has cast a spell on me...
I don't know which one is witch ?
3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
This Is A Paid advertisement: Have a home project you’re working on? For a limited time, Lowes Home Improvement is now selling Levels 2 for the price of 1!
My wife said on a scale of 1 to 10, she rates me an 11
I was so happy but then she told me it was a pH scale because I’m basic as hell.
Kills 99% of germs, the rest 1% cause bad puns.
I still remember the moment when my math professor told us what the square root of -1 was.
Guy #1: Check out these pictures I took of the wheat fields during my drive in the country
Guy #2: That would explain why they look so grainy
(1) What type of airplane bounces back up when it crash lands?
One of my kids ate a magnetic number off the fridge; it was the one between 1 and 3.
The doc said they would be ok “This two shall pass.”
On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.
I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.
If I had $1,000,000, I’d donate a quarter of it to charity.
Then I’d have $999,999.75.
Son: Dad if I'm 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos I would be 99% human 1% nachos!
Dad: you're 100% my son you will not !
Son: 99% your son.
Dad:...?
Son: 1% nacho son.
I saw an advert that read "Radio for sale, $1.00, volume stuck of full"
I thought, "I can't turn that down"
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote “Ant” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
Help: Spent my whole shower trying to think of comic book-based puns for toiletries. Best I could do was Conditioner Gordon and a 2 in 1 shampoo named Harvey Dent.
Maybe a No More Tears version called Daredevil? I don’t know. A sleeping mask called the Dark Night? Deadpoop toilet paper? I’m drowning here, man.
I took my kid shopping and he asked me why cookies were $1.99 instead of $2.00
I looked at him bewildered and told him because $2.00 doesn't make cents.
Pirate 1: Arrr... would you like to drink some of my booze?
On a scale of 1 to 10...
...it's really hard to weigh yourself.
My wife put food in front of our 1.5 yr old
She said "say your prayer"
He said "Prayer" then just smirked at her
So proud right now.
Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90.
Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:
Riceless.
Went to the local deli and ordered 1 lb of Swiss. The clerk gave me 3.5 lb instead.
I guess he went ham on that Swiss.
My French friend borrowed 1,000 gallons of water from me...
Windmill number 1 asked windmill number 2 “what kind of music do you listen to?” Windmill 2 responded “I’m a huge metal fan”
I asked my wife what she thought of my peeing skills, on a scale of 1-10...
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are unfaithful....
Now I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
What do you call getting thousands of upvotes not 1 second after posting?
On a scale of 1 to 10, I would rate today
Just arrived in Minnesota: the land of 10,000 lakes and 1 bad pun..
After I got a new leather messenger bag, my Dad asked "Do you know what the number 1 use of cow hide is?"
1 acre of land for sale, no house.
If Neil Young was a leprechaun what would be the name of his #1 single?
I told my dad, “Did you know that 1 out of 5 kids today faces hunger?”
Dad: Someone should turn that 5th kid around.
Son: Dad, did you know that 1 out of 5 children in the world still face hunger?
Dad: Why isn’t anybody turning the 5th kid around?
There are two types of people: 1.) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
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